Dear June,
I’ve been a subscriber to Epoch Times for about five months now and I’ve really been enjoying your column. I am a 39-year-old married woman with two boys, ages 6 and 8. This year has been profoundly transformational and challenging for me. I’ve lived my life as a strong, opinionated, career-oriented feminist who held tightly to the many beliefs and ideals of the liberal left. Well ... I’ve undergone a huge change in my beliefs and attitudes toward family, feminism, masculinity, religion, economics, and politics. It’s been enlightening but also incredibly challenging because some of my relationships have changed.
My question for you is this: Can you recommend any resources, provide words of encouragement, or share experiences of those who have undergone a similar transformation? I feel like who I knew myself to be has been shattered and I’m trying to rebuild without completely losing myself. I’d be curious for your perspective.
Thanks so much.
Dear Amanda,
It is no small thing to overturn one’s lifelong beliefs! But in my experience, when you disperse the fog of feminism, the men and boys in your life become amazing.
I never considered myself a feminist in theory, but in practice, my lack of understanding and appreciation for the inherent differences between men and women and our complementary virtues hung like a dead weight on my relationships, including my relationship with myself. Allowing myself to let go of always pushing myself to be strong and on task, and allowing myself to be gentle and adaptable has been so freeing and nourishing, both for myself and also for my family.
So my first resource recommendations would be the book “Fascinating Womanhood,” written by a Christian mother and published in the late 1960s. I’ve recommended this before because I found it inspiring and a good counterpoint to some of the ideas of second-wave feminism that were coming to popularity in the ’60s and that are now very generally accepted ideas.
Since you have sons, and if you have not already done so, I would recommend becoming familiar with their unique needs and forms of expression. I’ve appreciated the ideas of Kim John Payne, Meg Meeker, and Ted Braude, and on my list to explore is the work of Michael G. Thompson. Helen Andelin, the author of “Fascinating Womanhood,” also wrote a helpful book about raising children (she had eight).
Regarding the challenge of transformation, I think it is important to acknowledge that in order to grow, there is pain and suffering. The hardest moments in my life have ultimately been what pushed me to strive to be and do better. I cannot think of any example in history where someone achieved greatness without pain and suffering, and at some level, I think we need this suffering to ennoble us. All this is to say that I think the person you will become through this process will be stronger, clearer, and more beautiful.
I realize that words like these may not offer much in the way of inspiration or solace when one is in the midst of hardship, so I’d also like to share some of the soul-stirring beauty that is available once one lets go of the mentality of struggle that comes with a worldview based on “-isms.”
In opposition to the struggle mentality is what I would call a reverence for life. It allows you to appreciate the strength, bravery, and stoicism of men; to be awed by the sacrifices of our ancestors; to be moved by great art; and to be humbled by the complexity of truth—how little we can actually know of it and how thrilling the discovery!
And what a joyful thing that you will be able to share this beauty with your boys.
As a final thought, once we step beyond the limited groupthink and start thinking for ourselves, we are on very shaky ground because we can no longer trust sources and knowledge as we used to. But I think there is an innate part of us that is able to discern truth—I would describe the feeling physically as a kind of warmth in the solar plexus, sometimes accompanied by a fullness in the heart, and a knowing that is calm. Conversely, when we lie, people report a feeling of pain or constriction in the solar plexus.
“It is the mark of an educated man to look for precision in each class of things just so far as the nature of the subject admits; it is evidently equally foolish to accept probable reasoning from a mathematician and to demand from a rhetorician scientific proofs.
And give yourself permission not to have abundant answers but to frame your questions well and embrace the journey to discover the answers. This is actually one of the most empowering things I can think of, because it allows you to seek ever higher and deeper truths.
Sincerely,
June
June Kellum is a married mother of two and longtime Epoch Times journalist covering family, relationships, and health topics.