Why Addicts’ Family Members Become ‘Collateral Damage’

Addiction may be an individual struggle, but its consequences are far-reaching

Addiction affects loved ones as well. fizkes/Shutterstock

Addiction is often thought of as a disease that affects a single person—the one who is dependent on and unable to break free from a substance or behavior.

This is an understandable misconception.

The life of the addicted person becomes clearly unmanageable as the dependency progresses. We see the person’s life fall apart, manifested by the loss of jobs, relationships, physical health, mental stability, and social connections.

But how are the lives of the family members affected by the addiction of their loved ones? For many families, this question is ignored and overlooked for a long time, as the focus of attention is on the addict himself.

The truth is, however, that addiction of a loved one has a drastic effect on the family as a whole. In fact, the National Council On Alcoholism And Drug Dependence describes addiction as “a family disease that stresses the family to the breaking point, impacts the stability of the home, the family’s unity, mental health, physical health, finances, and overall family dynamics.”

Family members become “collateral damage,” suffering different though dramatic consequences along with the addict. Those people connected to the addict—and by extension, to the addiction—get caught in the undercurrent of damage. Here are just a few ways family members are affected.

Feeling Deceived

Dishonesty and deception are key aspects of any addictive lifestyle, and those closest to the addict usually feel deceived the most. Anyone who has been around an active addict knows that he or she is a master liar. Active addicts have perfected the “con” to a fine art, and the lies typically happen on three levels:

Addicts lie to themselves. The purpose of this lying is to stay out of touch with what they are feeling and what they know and need.

Addicts lie to people around them. By doing so, they create a confusing and dishonest family system.

Addicts lie to the world at large. They pretend to be something they’re not, often putting up a good front to convince others that “all is well.”

This systematic deceptiveness leaves family members continually suspicious, mistrustful, or feeling duped. As a mother of a 22-year-old alcoholic told me:

“From one day to the next, from one moment to the next, I’m never sure if Derek is telling me the truth or telling me a blatant lie. There have been countless times when he’s looked me straight in the eye and told me something, swearing up and down that it was the truth. I felt so stupid when I believed him and then his ‘truth’ turned out to be yet another lie. I want to believe the best about him, but how can I? He consistently tries to deceive his own mother.”

Sadly, for any family member of an addict, this mother’s feelings and experiences will sound very familiar.

Loneliness and Aloneness

For spouses, parents, or children, one of the most prevalent forms of collateral damage is loneliness. As the addiction consumes greater amounts of their loved one’s time, energy, and attention, they find themselves crowded out, abandoned to live a life alone or subservient to the addiction. Their own needs, wants, and desires are boxed out, placed on hold.

Family members of an addict often experience the physical absence of the addict because the person is off somewhere acquiring or using the substance of choice. More often, family members feel the emotional and intellectual absence even when the addict is physically present.

That is because the person’s thoughts are someplace else, his emotions are numbed, and his energy is low. All of this leaves everyone around the addict to feel distant and alone, even when together.

Made to Feel Worth Less

The people closest to an addict feel “worth less” than the addictive agent (alcohol, drugs, gambling, and so on), which causes them to feel worthless. Addicts place priority on their behavior, at the expense of family members and others.

This sense of worthlessness is often felt most acutely when a child’s relationship with a parent is undermined by that parent’s addiction. The child does not understand the subtle pressures and complex motivations of the addiction; all he knows is that the parent fails to provide attention or affection.

Addiction is a jealous presence, brooking no challenge to its supremacy in a person’s life. The voice of the addiction may even speak out against the child, transferring blame and guilt onto them. Children can assume the reason they are not being loved or cared for is because there is something inherently wrong with them.

Surrounded by Constant Chaos

The addict anxiously plots out the next encounter with the source of addiction, fearful and unsure of either the certainty of each occurrence or its ultimate effectiveness. The addict lives a life of uncertainty, which becomes subtly and overtly communicated to others. Those associated with the addict also live lives of uncertainty, unsure what the next crisis will be and what it will require.

Responding to crises can become so ingrained in their experiences, especially as children, that life without them can become a foreign experience and seem stressful. When crisis is the expected and anticipated norm of childhood, life is robbed of peace.

Those in relationship with someone struggling with addiction end up struggling themselves, as their lives become entangled with the consequences of that addiction. An addiction is a devastating cyclone of traumatic events and behaviors that can uproot and unhinge family relationships, causing damage well into the future.

A Sense of Helpless

Those associated with an addict recognize, by the addiction’s supremacy, that they have been rejected. This is the reality they’ve lived with every day of the addiction. They may have cried out in frustration, “If you loved me, you’d stop!” only to watch the addiction continue.

Family members come to understand the intensity of their love is not sufficient to change the addiction. They can support the change, but they cannot mandate the change. This leaves family members with an overwhelming sense of helplessness. And because this helplessness is painful to experience, they may harbor unresolved anger toward the addicted loved one.

Seeing What the Addict Can’t

Every day, family members live with the harsh reality of the addiction. The addict, however, while actively listening to the voice of the addiction, can fail to see or recognize the damage being done to others. This isn’t surprising; the addict, blinded by the addiction, often fails to see or recognize the damage being done to themselves.

My first answer to “Why can’t I see what this is doing to others?” is because the addict’s mind is blinded to the true consequences of the addiction. Whenever the person tries to see beyond the veil of the addiction, he is presented with all sorts of reasons why he’s not really seeing what he’s seeing and why others are not really experiencing what they’re feeling. Within the haze of addiction, the person can’t see truth clearly.

My second answer is because the person really doesn’t want to see the truth. It is too painful and avoiding pain is an overriding reason for the addiction. Your loved one doesn’t want to fully grasp the pain he has caused, especially those closest to him. Without the haze of addiction, he is afraid of seeing the truth clearly; he is afraid of seeing the truth about you clearly.

Thankfully, amid all of these difficult realities, there is good news: Change is possible, healing can happen, and relationships can be restored. There is always hope—for the person battling addiction and those who care about that loved one.

Family Members of Addicts Are Not Alone

Trying to know how to best help an addicted loved one can feel like a lonely, isolating pursuit—like you’re in the struggle all by yourself. The fact is, millions of Americans are currently or have been in the same situation, concerned about the addiction of someone close to them.

Specifically, near half (46 percent) of U.S. adults have a family member or close friend who has been addicted to drugs. And that figure does not account for other types of addictions that don’t involve substances. So the “addicted loved one” saga is likely experienced in some form by a majority of Americans.

These findings come from a Pew Research Center study that found this issue cuts across gender, race, age, education levels and even partisan lines—meaning that almost no one is immune to having a family member or close friend who struggles with addiction.