In my role as a mental health professional, I hear comments such as these every week:
“When my spouse starts to get upset, it quickly escalates and sometimes spins out of control. I don’t know what to do.”
“My coworker flies off the handle at the slightest problem, and it scares me. He’s going to get himself fired—or maybe get somebody hurt.”
“My roommate is always ranting and raving about something, and it gets my own blood boiling. What can you do with a hot-headed person?”
Chances are that you could say something similar. That’s because we all have at least one angry, explosive person in our lives—and for most of us, there are several of them.
If volatile people aren’t among our circle of family members, friends, and coworkers, we certainly encounter them on the road, at the grocery store, and in the neighborhood. It’s no surprise that recent research has found that:
- According to Harvard Medical School, nearly two-thirds of U.S. adolescents have experienced an anger outburst that involved threatening violence, destroying property, or engaging in violence toward others.
- In a 2019 study by The Zebra, 82 percent of people admitted to committing an act of road rage in the past year.
- Nearly 65 percent of office workers have experienced office rage, and 45 percent of employees regularly lose their tempers at work, according to The British Association of Anger Management.
Anger is a normal, natural emotion. Some people misunderstand the role of anger in their lives, relationships, and interactions with others. They believe that it’s wrong to feel angry and that this emotion should be avoided or suppressed. But anger is a normal part of being human and a helpful response to dangerous or unjust encounters. Channeled properly, anger can propel people toward noble goals, empowering them to stand up for what’s morally right and protect themselves from threats to their safety.
Anger can be constructive or destructive, depending on how it’s handled. Anger itself isn’t the problem, but the expression of it can be a huge problem. Mismanagement of angry feelings and the inability to control heated emotions can quickly become destructive rather than constructive.
Psychologists sometimes refer to ‘clean anger’ versus ‘dirty anger.’ Clean anger means finding responsible, appropriate, and productive ways to express strong emotions. We behave reasonably, rationally, and safely, not allowing supercharged feelings to take control. Conversely, dirty anger is any negative, unhealthy, or counterproductive expression, which can include shouting, making threats, and damaging property.
Beware of Flamethrowers
I refer to people who are unable or unwilling to manage their blazing emotions as flamethrowers. These individuals aim their fiery fury at a specific person or at no one in particular. They have a pattern of unpredictable, heated rants that might also involve physical actions, such as throwing objects or pounding a wall. Innocuous incidents can ignite a flamethrower’s hair-trigger temper, causing the person to spew a caustic barrage.While most of us succumb to occasional venting, anger becomes a flamethrower’s default setting, with his or her internal filter always pointed toward life as unfair, unreasonable, or unjust. When enraged, this person feels vindicated, powerful, and in control. Amid the rush of adrenaline, flamethrowers may feel empowered and energized, which can become addictive. Treating others as verbal punching bags is a classic sign of toxic behavior.
Healthy Ways to Respond When an Eruption Occurs
Although anger management is a challenge for many people and a strain on mental health, there are several strategies for defusing a confrontational situation.Above all, keep yourself safe. If you suddenly realized that you were holding a ticking bomb that was about to explode, the wisest step would be to drop it and run! Yet when it comes to dealing with an explosive person, many of us ignore the best defense we have: safe distance. We remain in harm’s way, on the angry person’s terms, long past when it’s productive or prudent to do so.
Protecting yourself is paramount. In extreme cases, where physical violence is a possibility, it’s vital that you leave immediately. If you feel threatened in any way, go now.
Take a time-out. Even when you aren’t subject to bodily harm, there’s no need to submit to an angry, emotional beating either. It’s important to recognize when the heat of rage has overwhelmed any possibility of reason or compromise—and to take a break for the sake of avoiding further escalation. The time-out can last minutes, hours, days, or longer. The point is that you’re allowed to maintain a healthy space for as long as you continue to feel exposed to the flamethrower’s unmanaged anger. Use the time to organize your thoughts so that you can have a constructive discussion later.
Resist the urge to fight fire with fire. If there’s one thing that acts like gasoline poured on the fire of someone’s out-of-control anger, it’s more anger. Yes, you have the right to be safe, to set boundaries, and to push back when necessary. But getting angry yourself is the path least likely to lead to peace. Remember that anger by itself is only an emotion. It has no power to “force” you to respond one way or another. We’re conditioned through experience to treat someone’s anger like the ringside bell at a boxing match—a signal to come out swinging. But it need not be that way. We can choose to see that anger is contagious only if we let it be. Staying calm means not allowing the sparks from someone else’s anger to ignite your own.
Lower the temperature. When someone begins to feel angry, they aren’t thinking with their higher brain; they’re operating from their amygdala—the area of the brain responsible for the fight-or-flight response and fear processing. This is sometimes called the “lizard brain,” the part that’s primal and nonrational. Give the angry person time and space to regain composure. The calmer you remain, the quicker the angry person will calm down, too.
Don’t try to point out irrational behavior while the person is behaving irrationally. Attempting to control or confront someone who’s throwing a temper tantrum is like waving a red flag in front of a bull. It’s only going to escalate their heated emotions. Angry people often see themselves as standing up to an unfair world, so they’re likely to feel attacked if you try to point out their unreasonable behavior.
Set and hold your boundaries. Establishing a boundary is equivalent to drawing a line in the sand and saying, “You aren’t permitted to cross!” or building a fence around your property and posting a sign that reads, “No trespassing!” You need the emotional strength and clear conviction to know precisely what kind of toxic behavior you’re willing to put up with and what you aren’t willing to put up with. For instance, you might decide that if someone starts berating you or calling you names, that’s your cue to leave the scene. If the angry person insults others who you care about, you can choose to not participate and respectfully say so.
Use calming words and tone. It’s hard to argue with the wisdom found in this Old Testament proverb, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1). In the heat of the moment, speak softly and avoid provocative words. Hold up your hands in a gesture of disengagement and say something such as, “I can see that you’re upset, and I want to hear you out. Let’s just take a deep breath and cool off.”
Address conflict when anger has cooled. Once the person has calmed down, you can pursue a rational conversation. You can have a discussion at this moment if the person has calmed down sufficiently. But if the tension is still high, arrange a time to talk the next day or even a week later. A little time and space might provide a different perspective on the triggering event. Express your own needs and wishes while speaking honestly and respectfully. It’s important to consider the other person’s needs and feelings and to show that you respect them. This approach doesn’t impose any conditions upon the angry person’s behavior; it simply holds the door open for productive problem-solving now that the heat has dissipated.
