When Grief Goes On and On: Understanding Complex Grief and Steps to Healing

Grieving is deeply personal, and there is no timeline for when it should "end." Biba Kayewich

Last week, after a seminar I presented on healing from depression, a young woman asked if she could talk with me.

“My dad died in a car accident three years ago—a devastating tragedy for my mom and me,” she said. “I know grieving often takes a long time, and I understand that Mom will always miss my dad and mourn his loss. And so will I. But I’ve become very worried about her, because she seems completely unable to move on with her life. It’s like she’s been frozen in time ever since Dad died. She has almost no friends, she is withdrawn and isolated, and she refuses to celebrate any holidays. It seems like she has no life and no strength to take steps forward.”

As a mental health specialist for the past 40 years, I have heard similar stories dozens of times. Everyone encounters loss, and everyone deals with it differently.

Grief is one of life’s most profound emotions, a testament to the love and connection we share with those we’ve lost. It’s a pilgrimage through pain and heartache, a process of adjustment that teaches us to live without someone who was once an inseparable part of our lives. For many, this journey, although painful, leads to eventual acceptance and healing. But for others, grief can linger like a shadow, heavy and unrelenting.

Researchers and psychologists commonly refer to this kind of enduring sorrow as “complicated” or “complex grief.” As the woman so aptly described after my seminar, people can sometimes feel like they are “frozen in time” with no joy and no strength to move on.

What Is Complex Grief?

Grieving is deeply personal, and there is no timeline for when it should "end." Biba Kayewich

Clinically known as “prolonged grief disorder,” complex grief is more than just mourning—it’s an ongoing and intense sorrow that makes it hard to engage with life. Unlike the more common grief process, which gradually softens with time, complex grief feels like an open wound that never heals.

Researchers at the Mayo Clinic explain: “In complicated grief, painful emotions are so long-lasting and severe that you have trouble recovering from the loss and resuming your own life. ... During the first few months after a loss, many signs and symptoms of normal grief are the same as those of complicated grief. However, while normal grief symptoms gradually start to fade over time, those of complicated grief linger or get worse.”

Grieving is deeply personal, and there is no timeline for when it should “end.” But complex grief traps individuals in a cycle of pain, making it difficult to accept the loss, remember their loved ones with peace, or imagine a life of joy again.

Complex grief can permeate every corner of a person’s life, causing emotional, mental, and physical struggles. Symptoms include:

Unrelenting pain. The sorrow of complex grief is intense and persistent, refusing to diminish even as time passes. It might include feelings of guilt, such as thinking “I should have done more” or anger toward circumstances, others, or even oneself. The constant emotional weight makes it difficult to perform daily tasks or engage in relationships.

Constant preoccupation. This can take different forms: longing for the loved one’s presence, replaying moments from the past, frequently looking at photos or mementos, or having vivid dreams in which the person feels alive again. While reminiscing is a normal part of grieving, in complex grief, it becomes all-consuming, leaving little mental space for other aspects of life.

Avoidance of memories or places. To shield yourself from the intense emotional pain, you might avoid anything associated with your deceased loved one. Avoidance is often driven by fear—fear of breaking down, reliving the pain, or fueling regrets. But this avoidance can lead to isolation and prevent healing, as it denies the chance to process and integrate the loss into your life.

Intrusive thoughts. Even when you’re not actively thinking about your loss, memories, images, or feelings can intrude unexpectedly. These moments feel like an “emotional ambush,” stirring up feelings of despair or guilt that you thought were under control. Intrusive thoughts often resurface during quiet moments, sleepless nights, or triggers such as hearing a certain song or smelling a familiar scent.

Physical problems. The emotional strain of complex grief doesn’t just affect the mind—it takes a toll on the body too. Chronic fatigue, sleep disruption, loss of appetite, and unexplained physical pain are common occurrences. Stress hormones such as cortisol are often elevated in those experiencing prolonged grief, contributing to physical exhaustion and weakened immunity. Over time, these physical symptoms can spiral, leading to frequent headaches, chest pain, or gastrointestinal issues.

Why Does Grief Become Complex?

Sometimes, the circumstances of a loss or the relationship we had with our loved one make grieving feel like an insurmountable mountain. These circumstances include:

Sudden or traumatic loss. When a loved one is taken suddenly or under tragic circumstances, the shock leaves you feeling unprepared and powerless. You may replay the events in your mind, searching for answers or wishing you could change what happened.

Profound bonds. When someone was the cornerstone of your life—a child, spouse, or parent—the absence of that person leaves a void that feels impossible to fill. You may struggle to imagine a future without that person, as though the loss has taken part of you too.

Emotional vulnerabilities. If you’ve faced challenges such as anxiety, depression, or trauma in the past, grief may hit even harder, deepening those struggles and making it difficult to find a way forward.

Isolation. Grief can feel incredibly lonely, especially if those around you don’t fully understand your pain or if cultural or family expectations pressure you to “move on” quickly. This lack of support can make your sorrow feel invisible and overwhelming.

Small Steps Toward Healing

Healing doesn’t mean forgetting. It means learning to carry the love you shared while finding new ways to embrace life. The journey through grief is unique for each person, but these steps may help guide you toward peace and resilience.

Acknowledge Your Grief

Give yourself permission to grieve in your own way. There is no “right” way to mourn and no timeline to follow. Your feelings—whether sadness, anger, or guilt—are a natural response to the depth of your love.

Speak to yourself with kindness. Tell yourself: “It’s OK to feel this way. My grief is a reflection of my love.” Journaling or sharing your emotions with someone you trust can help validate your experience.

Seek Professional Support

Sometimes the weight of grief feels too heavy to bear alone. Therapy is not about “fixing” your grief but about providing a safe space to explore your emotions, find meaning, and rediscover hope.

A therapist can help you process unresolved feelings, such as guilt or anger, and guide you toward rebuilding a fulfilling life. Support groups are also valuable, connecting you with others who truly understand your pain.

Reintroduce Routine

Loss can make the world feel chaotic, but small routines can create a sense of stability. Even simple acts, such as having breakfast at the same time each day, can help ground you when emotions feel unpredictable.

Begin with small, manageable habits, such as a daily walk or a cup of tea at the same time each morning. These routines act as gentle reminders that life can regain some rhythm.

Show Yourself Compassion

Grief often comes with guilt—for not preventing the loss, experiencing moments of joy, or not grieving “enough.” Remember, you are human. Grieving is not a measure of your love—it’s a process that takes time.

When self-blame arises, ask yourself what you would say to a dear friend in your situation. Speak to yourself with the same love and understanding.

Honor Your Loved One

Finding ways to celebrate the life of your loved one can bring comfort. Rituals help you stay connected to their memory while also acknowledging the new chapter of your life.

Light a candle in their memory, create a photo album, or plant a tree in their honor. These acts of love allow their memory to live on in meaningful ways.

You will never stop loving or missing the one you lost, but you can find a way to honor their memory while creating space for joy and connection in your life.

Maintain Activities That Replenish You

Experiencing grief can preoccupy you to the extent that you forget the activities that used to bring you peace and joy. A big part of healthy self-care is continuing the endeavors that invigorate you and make you smile.

Identify three activities that bring you happiness, such as meeting a friend for lunch, going for a bike ride, or playing a round of golf. Then begin scheduling these activities and following through.

Stay Connected to the People Closest to You

Grief is isolating, but sharing it with others can bring unexpected comfort. Whether it’s close friends, family, or a community group, finding people who will listen without judgment is vital.

Even if it feels difficult to reach out, start small—call a friend or write a letter to someone you trust. If talking feels overwhelming, simply sitting in the presence of someone supportive can be healing. Studies have shown that social support can provide a key source of emotional energy and ongoing resilience. In the journey of life, your friends offer support during hard times, share laughter during good times, and believe the best about you at all times.