A loving sister, who moved with her husband and kids into an apartment on her parents’ property, is sharing how taking care of her brother with cerebral palsy is enriching her life and teaching her kids valuable life lessons.
Jessie Ashcroft, 31, lives in a small town east of Toronto in Ontario, Canada, with her husband and kids: Dawson, 3, and Goldie, 1. Adjoining Mrs. Ashcroft’s home is her parents’ home, where her brother, 30-year-old Daniel Bylsma, lives.
‘The Mystery Child’
Mrs. Ashcroft’s mother, Marriette Bylsma, was in labor with Mr. Bylsma for 37 hours. Her doctor didn’t know the baby was posterior (facing the wrong way) and thus didn’t opt for a Cesarean section. When Mr. Bylsma was born, his neck was limp. A year after his birth, doctors discovered that his brainwaves were abnormal, and he spent the first five years of his life in and out of SickKids Hospital in Toronto.“He was known as the mystery child because he would get sick and then all of a sudden get better. They couldn’t really figure him out,” Mrs. Ashcroft told The Epoch Times. “I was only 13 months older than Daniel, so it wasn’t like I was at an age where my parents could sit me down and have this talk about Daniel being different than me.”
However, as Mrs. Ashcroft grew older, she began to understand that her brother was different, but since she had always accepted him that way, she never really had any issues.
“My family always included Daniel in everything that we did,” she said.
Through Mr. Bylsma’s diagnosis of cerebral palsy, the siblings stayed close. Playing grew to include caregiving, and Mrs. Ashcroft learned from her parents’ example. The family had “many breakthroughs” over the years but just as many disappointments.
“When he was really young, he used to be able to crawl, and he would open up a cupboard and pull whatever was in it out on the floor,” Mrs. Ashcroft said. “Then, at one point, he needed a minor surgery, and after that, he never did it again. When Daniel was grade school age, he used to be able to take at least 10 steps with a walker. ... Then once he hit puberty and he went through a growing spurt, all that hard work was just kind of lost because his body couldn’t keep up with his strength and his body growing.”
When Mr. Bylsma turned 21, his health declined. He lost weight and was lethargic. It took two years for doctors to figure out that he was suffering from heartburn, but those two years were eye-opening for Mrs. Ashcroft.
“I saw my parents just be completely depleted,” she said. “I remember having moments where I would be bawling my eyes out, just so scared at the thought of losing him. ... I wasn’t married, and I didn’t have kids, so Daniel honestly was my everything. I looked at him like my child in a way, and the love that I have for him is very similar.”
With stem cell therapy and hyperbaric chambers for cerebral palsy “experimental and expensive” back then, the Bylsmas had to figure out their son’s care for themselves. Today, they manage Mr. Bylsma’s heartburn through his diet and his bathroom routines, and Mrs. Ashcroft marvels that her brother is “happy and mild-mannered” despite his suffering.
“[H]e’s always been fun to take care of, and his smile truly lights up the room, which was really special and encouraging for us,” she said.
Perfect Timing
The Bylsmas were always thinking ahead, so to accommodate Mr. Bylsma’s future needs, they built a granny flat-style addition to their home where Mrs. Ashcroft’s grandparents lived.“My grandma was very, very good with helping us take care of Daniel, so my parents could get out on a date night or whatever it may be if they needed to go on vacation and get away,” Mrs. Ashcroft said.
When Mrs. Ashcroft and her husband began dating, she made it clear to him that she never wanted to move away from her family.
“I said, ‘Look, if you want to move, I’m not the girl for you,’ because for me it was very important to be able to have that physical connection with Daniel and be there for my family,” Mrs. Ashcroft said.
When Mrs. Ashcroft got pregnant in 2020, she and her husband sold their small home and moved in with his parents. After welcoming their son, in July 2021 they decided to move into the apartment on Mrs. Ashcroft’s parents’ property, allowing Mrs. Ashcroft to stay close to her brother and parents.
“It was actually kind of perfect timing because my grandparents moved back into town,” Mrs. Ashcroft said. “We ended up renovating to make that side of the home work for our needs as a family. ... My dad started on the demo, and my husband helped wherever he could. ... The fact that they were willing to take on a renovation like this one with us was truly amazing.”
‘It Just Clicks’
A typical day for Mrs. Ashcroft and her mother involves doing “literally everything” for Mr. Bylsma, including feeding him, taking care of his bathroom routine, physiotherapy, and “making his life as exciting as possible.”“My mom handles the morning wake-ups,” Mrs. Ashcroft said. “I arrive at 10 in the morning ... we do his bathroom routine, which can take anywhere from four to six hours, but it’s really important for Daniel because he deals with a lot of heartburn, indigestion, and pain. ... Once that’s complete, we of course feed him breakfast and lunch and get him drinks throughout the day.”
Mrs. Ashcroft and her mother pick a different activity for Mr. Bylsma to enjoy each day, such as a walk, pool time, or making a bonfire, and Mrs. Ashcroft takes care of laundry while her mom handles cooking. “It’s the whole production,” she said.
As for communication, Mr. Bylsma relies on eye contact and extending his hand to say “yes.” Through the years, Mrs. Ashcroft has been talking to her brother just like anybody else and believes he understands every word she says but isn’t able to respond verbally.
“Sometimes his processing might be a little slow, but there are some times where it just clicks, and if I make a funny comment, he'll actually laugh when he should laugh,” she said. “Those moments are really so special for us because it just confirms that Daniel gets it. He’s just, in some ways, trapped in his body.”
The siblings have always been close.
In 2010, Mr. Bylsma was dressed up for prom photos with his sister. In 2018, he was “man of honor” at her wedding. Today, Mrs. Ashcroft is grateful that her kids have the chance to grow close to their uncle.
“Sometimes his movements and noises can scare them,” she said, “but for the most part, it’s just leading by example; they see how I interact with Daniel and how I treat Daniel, and it’s so beautiful to watch them kind of climb on him or just be so caring towards him. ... I’m really excited that my kids get to grow up with Daniel because I think it will teach them a lot of important life lessons and values, some that many people don’t even learn in their lifetime.”
Just like everyone else, Mrs. Ashcroft also has some down days, and it’s challenging for her to see her brother suffering.
‘Value and Purpose’
Mrs. Ashcroft has always advocated and shared pictures and videos of her brother on social media. When she moved away from the fashion industry, she began sharing more of her life with Mr. Bylsma on Instagram and has been blown away by the swathes of public support and connections she has made with other people in caregiving roles.Mrs. Ashcroft and her family’s goal is to get Mr. Bylsma “to a place of comfort.” They have vowed never to place him in a home for people with special needs. The family, who love snowboarding, take Mr. Bylsma to their cottage, which he loves, as often as possible and is considering taking him on a ski hill.
If and when their parents can no longer care for Mr. Bylsma, Mrs. Ashcroft said she will likely take on “more of the managerial role” by coordinating her brother’s care and hiring staff.
At times when she feels like her “whole life is literally revolving around him,” she remembers that it’s her story too.
“What I’ve learned is, family is very important, surround yourself with good people who care about you,” she said. “Another important lesson it’s taught me is that life is not always about you, and it’s important to be kind, have empathy, and to think of others.
“[N]o matter your view, everyone’s life has value and purpose. ... You can learn to find the littlest of blessings throughout your day. Also, for me personally, talking to God helps. Even when you don’t feel like He’s there, He is always listening.”
