Why people lie to you—and what to do about it.
What a wonderful world it would be if everyone made a commitment to be completely truthful and trustworthy with each other. We can all hope that day will arrive sometime in the future.
In the meantime, we must resign ourselves to the fact that plenty of people choose to be deceptive. From small white lies to grand fabrications, people lie for a wide range of reasons.
Recently, at the mental health clinic I lead, a client told me: “I caught my best friend telling me a blatant lie. I knew she had been fired from her job, but she told me she quit. When I asked her about this, she went down the rabbit hole of telling another lie to cover the first, then another, and another. I would be gracious regardless of what happened with her job—that doesn’t matter. But what matters is that my friend looked me in the eye and lied to me. Several times. That raises a lot of painful questions about our friendship.”
In my work as a psychologist, I frequently hear variations on this theme involving people being lied to by spouses, roommates, teenagers, coworkers, and others. Sadly, this is a common practice in our society.
- One study from the University of Virginia showed that, on average, people lie one to two times every day.
- A National Geographic study set that number higher, estimating that 59 percent of adults lie five times or more daily.
- In addition to periodic liars, there is a small percentage of “prolific liars,” who regularly tell 15 or more lies day in and day out.
- According to statistics gathered by Brandon Gaille, 70 percent say they would be willing to do it again.
Why Lies Matter
Lies destroy a crucial component of any relationship: trust. Sure, a lie told to you could be an isolated incident or a half-truth that might be forgiven and forgotten. But often a lie is a sign of trouble.
A person’s need to lie is a telling clue about his or her character and emotional health. It may indicate serious insecurity, lack of integrity, or flimsy moral standards. If dishonesty shows up in a relationship once, it will likely show up again. People willing to lie in one situation or with one person will find it easy to lie in other contexts.
A lie rarely appears out of nowhere—it’s part of a larger deceptive context. If someone is dishonest, you’ll naturally wonder about ulterior motives. Even small lies create an environment of mistrust, where you wonder if the other person is being real and genuine with you.
Inside the Mind of a Deceiver
People who tell lies have underlying issues that lead them to deceive. Here are the most prevalent reasons why people lie:To avoid negative consequences. When the truth carries the risk of punishment, embarrassment, or loss, lying can seem like the safer option. Whether it’s a child lying to avoid getting in trouble for breaking a vase or an employee fabricating an excuse for missing a deadline, the motivation is the same: to protect oneself from the fallout of telling the truth. In many cases, people lie because they feel trapped between being honest and facing unwanted repercussions, and they believe dishonesty will offer them an escape route.
A poorly developed conscience. A person’s conscience is the internal guidance system that leads him to do the right thing, behave humanely, and treat others with compassion. In contrast, liars act out of their own desires and impulses, paying little attention to how their actions might affect you. If they can get their own way, even if that causes you pain, they will do so.
To gain power or manipulate. Lies in this category are more calculated and intentional, often designed to deceive or exploit others for selfish reasons. These lies can be used as stratagems to manipulate situations, advance careers, maintain control, or promote a positive image. In these scenarios, the liar’s primary goal is to use deception as a means to achieve personal success or maintain influence. This type of lying is often the most damaging, as it erodes trust and creates environments where dishonesty becomes a norm.
To avoid conflict. Many people fear confrontation and the discomfort that comes with being honest about difficult situations. Rather than face a potential argument or backlash, they may choose to lie or withhold the truth to keep the peace. This form of lying creates an illusion of harmony, but it often leads to unresolved issues and deeper misunderstandings in the long run. Avoiding conflict through dishonesty may prevent short-term discomfort, but it will erode trust and weaken relationships over time.
Habit and compulsion. Some people lie so frequently that it becomes second nature, often without any clear or rational motive. Compulsive liars may feel a sense of gratification or control through deception, even when their lies serve no obvious purpose. In extreme cases, compulsive lying can be linked to psychological disorders, such as pathological lying or narcissistic personality disorder. For these individuals, lying is not just a conscious choice, but a deeply ingrained part of their identity and coping mechanism.
What to Do When Lies Come to Light
Once you’ve uncovered deception, how should you react? Start with these strategies:Pause and process your emotions. When you discover that someone has lied to you, your initial reaction might be anger, hurt, or confusion. Since these are normal emotions, give yourself time to process them. At the same time, don’t let those emotions drive your immediate response. Acting impulsively—whether through a heated confrontation or by withdrawing in anger—can escalate the situation and make it harder to resolve. Gaining clarity about your own feelings will help you decide how to approach the situation calmly and thoughtfully.
Consider the context. While lying is never ideal, understanding the person’s motives can give you a clearer perspective on how serious the situation is. Was it a malicious attempt to deceive, or was it a white lie told with good intentions? A friend who lies about why she stood you up for your monthly lunch get-together may not be acting out of malice, but rather embarrassment or anxiety. On the other hand, a colleague who lies to take credit for your work may be motivated by egotism and selfishness, which will have more serious implications.
Decide whether to confront the person. Confrontation doesn’t have to involve an intense encounter—it can be a calm, open conversation where you express how the lie has affected you. If the lie was relatively minor or if the person’s intentions were not harmful, you might choose to let it go. But if the lie has damaged your trust or caused harm, it’s important to address the issue.
When you decide to confront the person, approach the conversation with curiosity rather than accusation. Start by sharing how you feel, using “I” statements rather than “you” statements: “I feel hurt and confused” rather than “You lied to me.”
Listen with an open mind. While it’s easy to jump to conclusions or make assumptions about why someone lied, hearing their side of the story is crucial for understanding the full picture. People lie for many reasons—fear, insecurity, or an attempt to protect someone. By listening with an open mind, you may uncover important context that changes your perspective on the situation.
Still, listening to their explanation doesn’t mean you have to accept or excuse bad behavior. It’s possible to empathize with someone’s reasoning without condoning the lie.
Assess the impact on the relationship. Can trust be rebuilt, or has the damage gone too deep? This will largely depend on the severity of the lie, the person’s attitude during the conversation, and whether they take responsibility for their actions. If the person shows genuine remorse and a willingness to make amends, trust can be rebuilt over time. But if the person continues to lie, deflect blame, or dismiss your feelings, it may be a sign that the relationship is not as strong as you thought.
Set boundaries moving forward. If you’ve been hurt by someone’s lie, it’s important to communicate what you need to feel safe and respected in the relationship. This might mean asking for more transparency, clarifying expectations around honesty, or establishing consequences for future dishonesty.
If a friend repeatedly lies to avoid difficult conversations, you might set a boundary that you need honesty, even if it’s uncomfortable, in order to maintain the friendship. If the lie occurred in a professional setting, you might establish boundaries about communication and accountability to ensure that similar incidents don’t happen again. Holding boundaries sends a clear message that while you may be willing to move past the lie, you won’t tolerate ongoing dishonesty.
Know when to walk away. Repeated dishonesty can erode trust to the point where the relationship becomes toxic or unsustainable. If you find that the person is unwilling to change their behavior or take responsibility, it may be necessary to walk away for your own well-being.
Ending a relationship over dishonesty is never easy, especially if the person is someone close to you. But staying in a relationship where trust is constantly broken can lead to ongoing frustration, hurt, and emotional strain. Sometimes, the healthiest choice is to remove yourself from the situation and focus on relationships where trust is valued and upheld.
