One day it hit me. I decided to give my kids “the gift of Dad.” I knew they would be so excited. By the “gift of Dad,” I meant that I wanted to teach and share with them all the things about money my own dad hadn’t shared with me. What an incredible advantage they would have. I just knew they couldn’t wait to get started unwrapping this priceless gift.
Some dreams die more quickly than others.
Kara and I had just purchased a new home. We were living in a rental house temporarily due to a nine-month gap between selling our old house and the new house being ready for us to move into. The rental house was quite small, our kids were still pretty young, and the changes completely disrupted our family routine. The close proximity to one other had its advantages though. We were always bumping into one another.
One evening I asked my daughter Lauren, in the sixth grade at the time, “Can I talk with you about something?”
“Sure,” she said, as I stood at the doorway of her room.
“I want to talk to you about money,” I told her. I already felt triumphant, like I was the newly crowned champion who was about to share his secrets of success. I began to share my insights on sound investing and ways to make money grow.
Well, you know that sound when something screeches to a halt, like stopping short when someone suddenly runs out on the street right in front of you, or the sound of chalk against a chalkboard? That’s pretty much what happened in my mind as Lauren gave me the equivalent of a stiff arm. It wasn’t exactly a physical hand to my face, but after two words of my sage advice, the blank expression on her face telegraphed, “Dad, I’m not interested. I’m bored, my eyes are closing. Take your words elsewhere.”
I was surprised, then a little offended. I politely excused myself from the room. I don’t give up easily, so I rethought my game plan. A few days later I tried a different approach. “Lauren,” I said again. “Got a second? I want to ask you about something.”
She seemed wary, but said “Okay,” as I again stood in the doorway of her room.
Take two!
I mentioned to her that I thought she might find the high school Business Club I had started at her school interesting. She was only three years away from starting high school. I felt this was a great time to spark her interest and get her commitment to join. (Okay, so maybe I was jumping the gun a little.) “We’re doing some very cool things,” I told her.
“Like what?” she asked, without much expression.
“We talk about how to make money and how to start a business,” I said. I gave her some examples of business success stories. I even mentioned that everyone got their favorite candy when they came to Business Club. I was sure the hook was set, but I figured that was enough for now. I didn’t want to overplay my hand.
A few weeks later, I brought up the Business Club again and it piqued her interest a bit more.
“How do you get into the club?” she asked. (Probably to find out how to get the candy.)
“Well, it’s not for everybody,” I told her. I was brilliantly playing hard to get. I explained it was forty minutes every other week, and there was homework. She didn’t seem to like the homework idea (I’m not sure why), but I assured her the homework was fun, like how to turn $5 into $25 in a single weekend.
I was sure I had her—hook, line, and sinker.
Three years later, Lauren was sitting in the first row of the first Business Club meeting of her freshman year.
Throughout high school, Lauren became a sponge, learning lots of business principles. The door had been opened for many wonderful conversations I never anticipated. Fast forward to today. I believe the Business Club and the ongoing dialogue that ensued helped shape her into the young woman she has become. More recently, helping her open her first investment account and make her first stock purchases put another smile on this dad’s face.
Building curiosity is one thing; sharing curiosity is another, and it’s a rich opportunity for learning. It’s not always what you know; it’s often what you don’t know and can learn together. Let’s say a family member has asked for your help in investing or starting a business, but you have limited to no knowledge where to begin. You could say, “Sorry, I can’t help you” or you could say, “That sounds interesting. Let’s learn together.” The beauty of that second response is that it takes you off the hook for not being an expert. It’s enough just to be an expert at empathy and to be excited about learning together.
Many—actually, most—of my clients told me they never heard their parents talk about money. It’s important that you do. Let your children observe you and your spouse having a budget meeting. Kelsa Dickey says to let them overhear you sit down together and say things like, “Mommy needs to update her budget.” Children need to know that managing money takes effort, and that you don’t have to have all the answers to teach somebody something.
It’s also important to teach your children the personal responsibility that comes with having money. Bola Sokunbi says she’s teaching her kids that money is power. “Having money gives them the opportunity to have options. But it’s not just about having money, but it’s about understanding how impactful money can be in their lives and understanding responsibility when it comes to wealth. And these options are so important because they can put their money towards causes and things that they support ... [and] they walk away from situations or jobs that don’t serve them because they know they have money in the bank.”
Kelsa Dickey, with a different life experience, has another equally instructive message that she wants to convey to her children. As they got older, Kelsa feared that if her business became too successful, her daughter would grow up selfish, spoiled, and entitled, without a strong work ethic. Any success Kelsa had in business had been her own doing, so she wasn’t so much anxious about how she would handle wealth as much as how her children would handle it. She spoke to her husband about her concerns, and the two of them discussed how a child’s value system and what they care about in life comes from the parents—not from money. It comes from parents teaching a work ethic, as well as empathy and compassion, regardless of whether the family is poor, middle class, or wealthy.
That was exactly what Kelsa needed to remember. “Money is neutral,” she said. “Money doesn’t say you have to be entitled or selfish or spoiled.... That was the money block that I personally had to overcome.”
Kelsa and her husband then did something I recommend to others. They wrote what she described to me as a family creed or motto. “Here are the values that we are going to live our life by. And these are the values we’re going to put our money behind, these are the values we’re going to parent our children by, and we are going to embody these in all ways—money is just one of those ways that we will embody these. So the way we take care of ourselves, the way we take care of our home, the way we treat others—we will embody these values in all ways. And that has [been] really powerful for lots of conversations.”
Kara and I regularly remind ourselves to have open conversations with our kids about money too. When I decided to sell my business, we gathered the family together and told them our decision. They asked a lot of questions, like “What’s next for Dad?” We were honest that we did not know the answers to a lot of their questions. Or several years ago, when Kara and I decided to give away our long-saved kitchen renovation money to help fund a gymnasium at our church, we discussed the decision as a family.
But not all moments make the highlight reel. There have been times when I made a bad decision about a particular stock and chose to share my disappointment with them. This is actually an incredibly powerful tool as well.
When you choose not to hide your money mistakes in the closet, it relieves the pressure for you to be perfect. Instead, it creates an open, safe dialogue. Let me give you an example. When I come home from the office—which these days is upstairs—it’s normally dinner time. We go around the table asking, “How was your day?” If I say, “Oh, I had a good day,” my kids might give me a little of their attention. But if I say, “You know what, guys? I really screwed up today,” suddenly they’re all ears. They’re on the edge of their seats thinking, What’s Dad going to say? Dad says he screwed up? How good is this going to be?
I call this the power of the “screw up.” Most people miss out on it. When—not if—you screw up, you should share (if appropriate) the mistake with your family. So much of our lives are spent placing an aura around ourselves of the persona we want to be. I think that’s kind of sad.
A good friend of mine told me many years ago, “Derrick, people like imperfect people better.” When he said that, relief washed over me. Think about this: When you go to a friend’s house and there are a couple dishes in the sink, or maybe a pillow not puffed perfectly, do you feel more at home than when you go and you feel like the home has been staged by a real estate agent? It’s not uncommon that you might see a few dirty socks scattered around the Kinney home. (Hey, I still have teenage boys.) But as silly as it might sound, those dirty socks remind me that I don’t have to fake it with my kids. It’s okay not to have it all together and to let them in on my mistakes and parenting fails. I consider it a strength, not a weakness. This is real life, and these are life lessons. I don’t want to be selfish by not sharing.
When you talk about your screwups in front of your kids, they start to pay attention and respect you for your candor. Use the power of the screwup and start talking about money together.
(To be continued...)
This excerpt is taken from “Good Money Revolution: How to Make More Money to Do More Good” by Derrick Kinney.
To read other articles of this book, click here.
To buy this book, click here.
The Epoch Times copyright © 2023. The views and opinions expressed are those of the authors. They are meant for general informational purposes only and should not be construed or interpreted as a recommendation or solicitation. The Epoch Times does not provide investment, tax, legal, financial planning, estate planning, or any other personal finance advice. The Epoch Times holds no liability for the accuracy or timeliness of the information provided.
