Rewind, Review, and Re-Rate: ‘Jauja’: An Art-House Flick Exclusively for Viggo Mortensen Fans

“Jauja” is an art-house film. What is art-house? Art-house films are sometimes art, sometimes they’re pretentious, usually they have subtitles, and often they implode the skull with boredom by attempting to go outside the tried-and-true (*ahem* fun) laws of cinematic storytelling.

As mentioned, “Jauja” is one such art-house film, and a South American Western to boot. It’s a little comedic, with a tiny smidgen of drama, a disturbing slaying or two, and a lot of grass for you to literally watch growing. The actors watch the grass grow too. Like right here. Look at them watching the grass grow. Very artistic.

Ingeborg (Viilbjork Malling Agger) and her father, Gunnar Dinesen (Viggo Mortensen), watching grass grow, in "Jauja." The Cinema Guild

The main attraction: megastar Viggo Mortensen of “The Lord of the Rings.” He’s speaking Danish and Spanish here. So check the subtitles box.

Gunnar Dinesen (Viggo Mortensen) scopes out copious amounts of grass in "Jauja." The Cinema Guild

While you’re at it, with all those vistas of grass growing, also check the bored-silly box. And since, apparently, the director said (at the Cannes Film Festival) that it doesn’t matter whether the audience understands it or not, only whether they enjoy it—maybe don’t check the pretentious box on this one. It’s nice of him to care about that.

But, well, you know ... enjoy? See, for me, checking the bored-silly box automatically creates an “I did not enjoy it” box, which I find I must vehemently check. Maybe you like watching grass grow. What do I know?

Gunnar Dinesen (Viggo Mortensen) walking in the grass, in "Jauja." The Cinema Guild

Opening with a much-longer-than-“Star Wars” text, we learn that “Jauja” was the name of the former capital of Spanish Peru. It also means “Unattainable Utopia.”

Down thereabouts in Patagonia, there was a “Conquest of the Desert,” around 1882. The Spaniards and the Danes are warring over some great, green, grassy tracts of land. There’s also a genocide of South American Indians happening.

Gunnar Dinesen (Viggo Mortensen) has a drink, while looking at grass, in "Jauja." The Cinema Guild

Lanky, bearded, slightly inept Danish captain Dinesen (Mortensen) is working as an engineer with the Argentine army.

Gunnar Dinesen (Viggo Mortensen) looks down at his feet, standing in the grass, in "Jauja." The Cinema Guild

His daughter Ingeborg (Viilbjork Malling Agger) is a 15-year-old Scandinavian blonde and comely bit of jailbait, the only female around for miles and miles. She’s sought after by a quietly disgusting, older Spanish soldier. (He asks her father if he can take her to the ball.) She eventually hightails it out of there with a handsome young Spanish soldier. Smart girl.

Gunnar Dinesen (Viggo Mortensen, L) being asked by a soldier (Diego Roman) whether he can take Gunnar's teenage daughter on a date, in "Jauja." The Cinema Guild

When Dinesen wakes up one fine morning, he rushes around shouting “Ingeborg!” and then decides to head out into Indian country to find her. As Wayne and Garth of “Saturday Night Live” would say, “And … scene!”

And … Grass

Mostly. To sum up, you’ve got walking through grass, riding a horse through grass, and sitting amid the grass. And there’s a stream. And some boulders. And even a cave with an old woman in it. A few grisly kills. But mostly there’s grass. And it grows. Green. Sometimes yellow.

Gunnar Dinesen (Viggo Mortensen) rides his horse through the grass, in "Jauja." The Cinema Guild

Does he find his daughter? Can’t tell you. He does find a dog. A large, flea-bitten Irish wolfhound with that itchy, hot patch dogs sometimes get when they get nervous and upset. He follows the dog, hither and thither. Through the grass.

Gunnar Dinesen (Viggo Mortensen) finds a dog sitting in a puddle in the middle of grass, in "Jauja." The Cinema Guild

This dog apparently has a twin with that same itchy patch. Why? Because the teenage owner of this twin dog keeps wandering out of present-day Denmark, wearing only her underwear and a shirt, and showing up in Argentina, a long time ago, wearing skirts with bustles, and a bonnet. It’s art—don’t ask.

Ingeborg (Viilbjork Malling Agger) in present-day Denmark, in "Jauja." The Cinema Guild

Should that be profound? Unfortunately, the only thought that comes to mind is that, since this is 1882, it’s a shame they don’t yet have those white plastic funnels to put on the dog’s head to keep it from scratching.

Ingeborg (Viilbjork Malling Agger) in an earlier century, in "Jauja." The Cinema Guild

You could call the film an interesting study in naturalism—all those super-long takes to put you right there in real time. One definitely has the naturalistic experience.

But does one want to be there, in all that grass? The director doesn’t care that you understand. I’m here to tell you that you can go to Prospect Park in Brooklyn and stare at the New York City grass for two hours and have more fun due to the Jamaican and African soccer games happening in those parts.

Nobody’s geared to appreciate this kind of cinematic experience these days. Unless perhaps told beforehand: “Assume a meditative state.” Interesting to hear Danish-American Viggo’s Danish (and Spanish), though.

‘Jauja’ Director: Lisandro Alonso Starring: Viggo Mortensen, Viilbjork Malling Agger, Diego Roman, Ghita Norby, Mariano Arce Running Time: 1 hour, 49 minutes Release Date: Oct. 7, 2014, (New York Film Festival) Rating: Unrated 1 star out of 5