How to Write a Letter (or Email) Like a Gentleman—According to a Handbook on Manners From the 1880s

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Some will surely find the art of writing letters indispensable in the task of drafting emails so necessary in modern life. They may find this excerpt “CHAPTER XXII The Letter Writer” from “Our Deportment,” by John H. Young, published in 1881, thus invaluable, particularly if they aspire toward gentlemanly conduct, aiming to refine their manners in electronic correspondences so often neglected in these unbalanced times. 

A French writer says, that the writing a note or letter, the wording of a regret, the prompt or the delayed answering of an invitation, the manner of a salutation, the neglect of a required attention, all betray to the well-bred the degree or the absence of good-breeding.

A person who has self-respect as well as respect for others, should never carelessly write a letter or note.

The letter or note should be free from all flourishes. The rules of punctuation should be followed as nearly as possible, and no capital letters used where they are not required. Ink-blots, erasures, and stains on the paper are inadmissible. Any abbreviations of name, rank or title are considered rude, beyond those sanctioned by custom. No abbreviations of words should be indulged in, nor underlining of words intended to be made emphatic. All amounts of money or other numbers should be written, reserving the use of numerical figures for dates only. It is a good form to have the address of the writer printed at the top of the sheet, especially for all business letters. For letters of friendship and notes, pure white paper and envelopes are in better taste than tinted or colored, and the paper should be of a superior quality. When a page is once written from left to right side, it should not be written over again from top to bottom.

ANONYMOUS LETTERS.

No attention should ever be paid to anonymous letters. The writers of such stamp themselves as cowardly, and cowards do not hesitate to say or write what is not true when it suits their purpose. All statements made in such letters should be regarded as false, and the writers as actuated by some bad motives. Anonymous letters should be burned at once, for they are not to be noticed.

LETTERS AND NOTES.

The writing of notes in the third person is generally confined to notes of invitation, and such notes are never signed.

When a letter is upon business, commencing “Sir” or “Dear Sir,” the name of the person addressed may be written either at the beginning or at the close of the letter, in the left hand corner. In letters commencing with the name of the person to whom you are writing, as, “My Dear Mrs. Brown,” the name should not be repeated in the left hand corner.

No notes should be commenced very high or very low on the page, but nearer the top than the middle of the sheet.

MANNER OF ADDRESS.

In addressing a clergyman, it is customary to commence “Reverend Sir,” or “Dear Sir.” It is not now customary to write “B.A.” or “M.A.” after his name.

Doctors of divinity and medicine are thus distinguished: “To the Rev. John Blair, D.D.,” or “Rev. Dr. Blair;” “To G.T. Roscoe, M.D.,” “Doctor Roscoe” or “Dr. Roscoe.”

The President of the United States and Governors of States, are addressed “His Excellency.” U.S. Senators, members of Congress and men distinguished by holding various political offices of an honorable nature, are addressed as “Honorable.”

The superscription or address should be written upon the envelope as legibly as possible, beginning a little to the left of the center of the envelope. The number of the house and name of the street may be written immediately under this line, or in the lower left hand corner, as the writer sees fit. The postage stamp should be securely fixed in the upper right hand corner of the envelope. The following forms will show the appearance of a properly addressed envelope:

In sending a letter in care of another person the following form is the manner in which the envelope should be addressed:

In sending a letter by a friend or acquaintance, and not through the mail, acknowledge the courtesy of your friend on the envelope. The letter should not be sealed. The following is the proper form:

A note or letter sent to a friend residing in the same place, by a messenger, may be addressed as follows, or bear the full address:

FORM OF A LETTER.

DEGREES OF FORMALITY OBSERVED.

In commencing and signing notes and letters there is a difference of opinion in the degrees of formality to be observed, but generally this scale is used according to the degree of acquaintance or friendship. “Madam” or “Sir,” “Dear Madam” or “Dear Sir,” “My Dear Madam” or “My Dear Sir,” “Dear Mrs. Brown” or “Dear Mr. Brown,” “My Dear Mrs. Brown” or “My Dear Mr. Brown,” “My Dear Friend.” In closing a note, the degrees are implied as follows: “Truly Yours” or “Yours Truly,” “Very Truly Yours,” “Sincerely Yours,” “Cordially Yours,” “Faithfully Yours,” “Affectionately Yours.” The proper words should be carefully selected, as the conclusion of a note or letter makes an impression on the person reading it. To aged persons the form, “With great respect, sincerely yours,” recommends itself as a proper form. “Yours, etc.,” is considered a rude ending. If you are sufficiently well acquainted with a person to address her “My Dear Mrs. ——,” do not sign “Yours Truly,” or “Truly Yours,” as this is the form to be used in writing to strangers or in business letters.

SIGNATURE OF LADIES.

A married lady should not sign herself with the “Mrs.” before her baptismal name, or a single lady with the “Miss.” In writing to strangers who do not know whether to address you as Mrs. or Miss, the address should be given in full, after signing your letter; as “Mrs. John Smith,” followed by the direction; or if unmarried, the “Miss” should be placed in brackets a short distance preceding the signature.

Only the letters of unmarried ladies and widows are addressed with their baptismal names. The letters of married ladies are addressed with their husbands’ names, as “Mrs. John Smith.”

LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION.

Letters of introduction should be brief and carefully worded. Give in full the name of the person introduced, the city or town he is from, intimating the mutual pleasure that you believe the acquaintance will confer, adding a few remarks concerning the one introduced, as circumstances seem to require. Modest persons sometimes shrink from delivering letters of introduction which appear to them to be undeservedly complimentary. Letters of introduction are left unsealed, to be sealed before delivery by the one introduced. They should receive immediate attention by the parties who receive them. When a gentleman delivers such a letter to a lady, he is at liberty to call upon her, sending her his card to ascertain whether she will receive him then, or appoint another hour that will be more convenient. The same rule is to be observed by those whose stay in the city is short. He may also send it to her with his card bearing his address.

A letter of introduction should not be given, unless the person writing it is very well acquainted with the one whom he introduces, and the one to whom he writes. If the person who receives such a letter is really well-bred, you will hear from him or her within twenty-four hours, for a letter of introduction is said to be like a draft, it must be cashed at sight. The one receiving it either invites you to dine, or to meet others, or to a drive, or to visit some place of amusement. Too great caution cannot be exercised in giving a letter which makes such demands upon an acquaintance.

When the letter of introduction is left with a card, if there is a gentleman in the family, he may call upon the stranger the next day, unless some engagement prevents, when he should send his card with an invitation. If the letter introduces a gentleman to a lady, she may write a note of invitation in answer, appointing a time for him to call.

The following is an appropriate form for a letter of introduction.

The envelope containing a letter of introduction, should be addressed as follows:

NOTES OF CONGRATULATION OR CONDOLENCE.

Notes of congratulation and condolence should be brief, and the letter should only be sent by near and intimate friends. Do not allude to any subject except the one for which you are offering your congratulations or sympathy. Such notes should be made expressive of real feeling, and not be mere matters of form.

INVITATION TO A RECEPTION.

For a general reception, invitations are printed on cards. Their style is like the following, and do not require an answer unless “R.S.V.P.” is upon one corner.

INVITATION TO A BALL.

The “At Home” form of invitation for a reception is often adopted for a ball with the word “Dancing” in one corner, though many people use the “At Home” form only for receptions. For balls the hours are not limited as at receptions. When the above form is not used for a ball, the invitation may read as follows:

“Mrs. Blair requests the pleasure of Miss Milton’s company at a ball, on Tuesday, February 7, at 9 o'clock.”

Invitations to a ball are always given in the name of the lady of the house, and require an answer, which should not be delayed. If the invitation is accepted, the answer should be as follows:

“Miss Milton accepts with pleasure Mrs. Blair’s kind invitation for Tuesday, February 7.”

If it is found impossible to attend, a note of regrets, something like the following, should be sent:

“Miss Milton regrets that intended absence from home (or whatever may be the preventing cause) prevents her accepting Mrs. Blair’s kind invitation for February 7.”

INVITATION TO A LARGE PARTY.

The invitation to a large party is similar to that for a ball, only the words “at a ball” are omitted, and the hour may be earlier. The notes of acceptance and regret are the same as for a ball. If the party is a small one, it should be indicated by inserting the words, “to a small evening party,” so that there may be no misunderstanding. A large party calls for full evening dress, and it would be embarrassing for a lady or gentleman to go to a house in full evening dress, expecting to find a large party there in similar costumes, and meet only a few friends and acquaintances plainly dressed. If there is any special feature which is to give character to the evening, it is best to mention this fact in the note of invitation. Thus the words “musical party,” “to take part in dramatic readings,” “amateur theatricals,” will denote the character of the evening’s entertainment. If you have programmes, enclose one in the invitation.

INVITATION TO A PUBLIC ENTERTAINMENT.

An invitation from a gentleman to a lady to attend a concert, lecture, theatre, opera or other amusement, may read as follows:

“Mr. Hayden would be pleased to have Miss Morton’s company to the Academy of Music, on Monday evening, November 8, when ‘Richelieu’ will be played by Edwin Booth’s Company.”

An invitation of this kind demands an immediate answer of acceptance or regrets. A previous engagement may be a reason for rejection.

DINNER INVITATIONS.

These are written in the name of the husband and wife, and demand an immediate reply. This form may be used:

“Mr. and Mrs. Eugene Snow request the pleasure of Mr. and Mrs. Horace Allen’s company at dinner, on Tuesday, the 13th of January, at 7 o'clock.”

A note of acceptance may read as follows:

“Mr. and Mrs. Horace Allen accept with pleasure Mr. and Mrs. Eugene Snow’s kind invitation to dine with them on Tuesday, the 13th inst., at 7 o'clock.”

A note of regret may read:

“Mr. and Mrs. Horace Allen regret exceedingly that sickness in the family (or whatever the cause may be) prevents the acceptance of Mr. and Mrs. Eugene Snow’s kind invitation to dine with them on Tuesday, January 13th.”

INVITATIONS TO TEA.

An invitation to a tea-drinking may be less formal and should partake more of the nature of a private note; thus:

“Dear Miss Brock: Some friends are coming to drink tea with me on Thursday, and I should be glad of the pleasure of your company also. Please do not disappoint me.”

An invitation of this informal nature needs no reply, unless “R.S.V.P.” is appended, in which case the answer must be returned, if possible, by the messenger who brought it, or sent at once, as your friend may depend upon having a certain number of people at her tea-drinking, and if you cannot go, she will want to supply your place.

LESS FORMAL INVITATIONS.

Invitations of a less formal character are sent for charades, private theatricals, and for archery, croquet, sailing and garden parties; but, however informal the invitation (except only when a visiting card is used) on no account neglect to give immediate attention to it, by sending an acceptance or a regret, for any want of courtesy in this respect is unpardonable.

PROMPTNESS IN ANSWERING.

All invitations requiring answers should be answered as soon as possible after receiving them. The French have a saying, applicable to all notes of invitation, to the effect that it is as important to reply as promptly to a note requiring an answer, as it is to a question in speaking. All refined people who are accustomed to the best social forms, consider that it would be an unpardonable negligence to omit for a single day replying to an invitation or a note requiring a reply.

In accepting dinner invitations, repeat the hour and day named in your letter of acceptance, in order that if any mistake has been made it may be corrected.

Promptly acknowledge all attentions you receive, such as receiving presents of books, flowers, etc.

EXPRESSIONS TO BE USED.

The expression “presents compliments” has become obsolete in the writing of invitations. The expression “kind” or “very kind” invitation has taken the place of “polite,” in notes of acceptance or regret. Be particular to distinguish between “go” and “come,” you go to a friend’s house and your friend comes to your house.

TIME TO SEND INVITATIONS.

Invitations for parties and entertainments of a formal nature, can be sent out for a week or two weeks before the entertainment is to take place. A notice of not less than one week is expected for such invitations. They should be printed or engraved on small note paper or large cards, with the envelopes to match, with no colors in the monogram, if one is used.

INVITATIONS FOR SEVERAL MEMBERS OF A FAMILY.

It is not considered good form to have one card of invitation answer for several persons belonging to the same family, or to address an invitation “Mrs. Blank and family,” as it indicates a scarcity of cards. One card or invitation may be sent to Mr. and Mrs. Blank, and one each to the several members of the family who are to be invited.

THE LEAST FORMAL INVITATIONS.

The least formal, of formal invitations, is when a lady sends or leaves her own visiting card with the invitation upon it. An invitation of this kind need not be answered unless an “R.S.V.P.” (Respondez s’il vous plait), is on the card. You go or not, as you please, but if you do not go, you call, or leave a card as soon after as is convenient.

UNCIVIL ANSWERS.

Uncivil and curt, not to say rude, answers are sometimes returned to invitations, more frequently the result of carelessness in their writers than of premeditated rudeness.

“Mr. and Mrs. Adam Brown regret that they cannot accept Mrs. Smith’s invitation for Wednesday evening,”

is a rude form of regret.

“Mr. and Mrs. Adam Brown decline Mrs. Moses Smith’s invitation for Friday evening,”

is a still ruder form.

A curt and thoughtless reply is:

“Mr. and Mrs. Adam Brown’s compliments and regrets for Friday evening.”

REASONS FOR REGRETS.

“All regrets from persons who are not able to accept invitations, should contain a reason for regretting,” is a rule strictly observed in our best society, and is considered especially binding in answering a first invitation. If persons are in mourning, they regret that a recent bereavement prevents them from accepting. Those contemplating being absent from home, regret that contemplated absence from home prevents them from accepting. “A previous engagement” is made the excuse when there is an engagement either at home or away from it, and also when one has no inclination to accept; which makes it quite necessary for those who really regret their inability to accept, to mention what that engagement is.

THE FAMILY LETTER.

It seems hardly necessary to give the form of a letter from one member of a family to another. It is often the case that letters sent from home to an absent member are decidedly unsatisfactory, if not to a great extent of little interest outside of one or two facts mentioned. Consequently some hint as to what those letters should be, are here given. They should be written as though the writer were talking, using familiar expressions, and such peculiarities as the writer possesses in ordinary speech should find a place in the letter. The writer may speak of many trivial things at and about home, and gossipy matters in the neighborhood, and should keep the absent one posted upon all minor facts and occurrences, as well as the more important ones. The writer may make inquiries as to how the absent one is enjoying himself, whether he finds any place better than home, and ask such other questions as he may desire, concluding with sincere expressions of affection from various members of the family. The absent one may, in like manner, express himself freely on all subjects, describe his journey minutely, and speak of whatever he may feel deep interest in. In short, a family letter may be as gossipy as the writer can make it, without much regard to an attempt at showy or dignified composition.

THE LETTER OF FRIENDSHIP.

This should be of a more dignified tone, contain less trivialities than the family letter, and should embrace matters that will be of interest to both. A letter of friendship should be answered in due time, according to the intimacy of the parties, but should not be delayed long enough to allow the friendship to cool, if there is a desire to keep it warm.

THE LOVE LETTER.

Of this it may be only said, that while it may be expressive of sincere esteem and affection, it should be of a dignified tone, and written in such a style, that if it should ever come under the eyes of others than the party to whom it was written, there may be found in it nothing of which the writer may be ashamed, either of silliness or of extravagant expression.

BUSINESS LETTERS.

These should be brief and to the point, should be of plain chirography, and relate to the business in hand, in as few words and as clearly as possible. Begin at once without apology or explanation, and finish up the matter pertaining to the business. If an apology or explanation is due, it may be made briefly at the close of the letter, after the business has been attended to. A letter on business should be answered at once, or as soon as possible after receiving it.

It is allowable, in some cases, upon receiving a brief business letter, to write the reply on the same page, beneath the original letter, and return both letter and answer together.

Among business letters may be classed all correspondence relating to business, applications for situations, testimonials regarding the character of a servant or employe, letters requesting the loan of money or an article, and letters granting or denying the favor; while all forms of drawing up notes, drafts and receipts may properly be included. The forms of some of these are here given.

LETTERS REQUESTING EMPLOYMENT.

A letter of this kind should be short, and written with care and neatness, that the writer may both show his penmanship and his business-like qualities, which are often judged of by the form of his letter. It may be after this fashion:

New York, March 1, 1880.

Messrs. Lord & Noble,

Dear Sirs:

Having heard that you are in need of more assistance in your establishment (or store, office) I venture to ask you for employment. I can refer you to Messrs. Jones & Smith, my late employers, as to my qualifications, should you decide to consider my application.

Yours truly,

James Roberts

LETTERS REGARDING THE CHARACTER OF A SERVANT.

Dear Madam: Sarah Riley, having applied to me for the position of cook, refers me to you for a character. I feel particularly anxious to obtain a good servant for the coming winter, and shall therefore feel obliged by your making me acquainted with any particulars referring to her character, and remain, madam, Your very obedient servant, Mrs. George Stone

To Mrs. Alfred Stark

Mrs. George Stone,

Dear Madam: It gives me pleasure to say that Sarah Riley lived with me for two years, and during that time I found her active, diligent and efficient. She is a superior cook, and I have full confidence in her honesty. I feel that I can recommend her with full confidence of her being likely to give you satisfaction. I am, madam,

Your very obedient servant,

Mrs. Alfred Stark.

Mrs. George Stone,

Dear Madam: In replying to your note of inquiry, I beg to inform you that Sarah Riley, who lived with me in the capacity of cook, left my services because I did not find her temper and habits in all respects satisfactory. She was thoroughly competent as a cook, but in other respects I cannot conscientiously recommend her. I remain,

Yours, very truly,

Mrs. Alfred Stark.

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