A ninth grader who has been without a cell phone since the fourth grade is now thanking his parents, after five years of freedom from screens and the dangers of untethered access to the internet.
Kaylee Low, a former registered nurse and full-time mom, and her husband, Mike Low, a lawyer, have been married for 18 years and have four children together, two sons and two daughters. The family lives in Alberta, Canada.
When their oldest son, now aged 14, started asking for a cell phone back in the fourth grade, they both said no.
Not the Right Time
“He was really noticing his peers getting smartphones,” Mrs. Low told The Epoch Times. “But due to the experiences of people that we knew, we weren’t naïve to the fact that a cell phone would increase the risk of exposure to pornography, and other risks, and so we just kind of had this gut feeling that it wasn’t the right timing.”All the while, the couple educated themselves about the effects of cell phones on children and teens. As they learned more about the effects on mental health and the developing brain, the couple became “more conscious” about introducing the technology to their kids—slowly in stages, or at an appropriate age. It became a hot topic of family conversation.
“We‘d often, and still do, talk about what he felt he needed a phone for. How would it be a tool that he needs to use,” Mrs. Low said. “As we go through, logistically, the way our life looks and the way our schedule works, we’d come back around to the conclusion, together as a family, that it wasn’t time yet.
“I wouldn’t say there was any rebellion. In grade six, I think that was probably the hardest year for him in this process. There were 34 kids, and he was the only one without a smartphone.”
At the times when their son grew frustrated, Mr. and Mrs. Low “got better at teaching him” why they wanted to wait and made space for the teen to express his feelings. “I think we just really tried to listen to them, tried to validate his feelings, tried to come up with ideas or ways that we could support him,” Mrs. Low said.
“A huge piece in all of this is having a relationship with our kids. We have to spend time with them. We have to create family culture, where we have traditions and certain things that our kids can depend on and know that ‘These are the things that I can count on to always happen in my family.’ So when you have a relationship with your child, these conversations can come across as ‘We’re doing it because we love you, and we want what’s best for you,’ instead of it coming across as being bossy or being told what to do.”
To foster togetherness, the Lows hold a family meeting every week where each person shares a highlight, a struggle, and something they’re looking forward to. Each parent also schedules one-on-one time with each of their four children once a month. The kids pick the activity, the only caveat is that “whatever we’re doing, we’ve got to be able to still have a conversation.”
Driven to Succeed
One challenge for the Lows’ eldest son as he entered his teens without a cell phone wasn’t peer pressure but loneliness, even though he’s always had a lot of friends.“We’ve all witnessed it. We all do it, where we’re quick to turn to our devices in times when we’re bored, or when we’re uncomfortable, or we have a free minute,” Mrs. Low said. “I really think that when our eyes are on our phone, it creates this emotional disconnect between us and the people that are with us, and no matter what our age is, we feel that. I think that started happening more and more at school. ... It was just the loneliness of walking a path that wasn’t common, or a path that was less traveled.”
However, in grade seven, the teen quit asking for a cell phone altogether. He'd begun to notice that some of his classmates, who were often up gaming all night, were more anxious than they used to be, couldn’t regulate their emotions, or seemed disengaged from the world around them. Some of them had lost interest in extracurricular activities and “really seemed unhappy.” Gradually, he grew closer to his siblings and cousins, spoke frankly with his parents, and developed the courage to talk to new people.
“I’ve noticed he’s able to look people in the eyes when he talks to them,” his mom said. “I find him more present, or not easily distracted. He finds joy in outdoor activities or extracurriculars. He’s driven to succeed in life.
“When I specifically asked him where he felt the benefits were, he said that he ‘doesn’t have to carry the world around in his pocket.’ He said that kids at school are stressed out about how many likes they get, or what’s going on in some random part of the world. So, he feels a sense of freedom. He doesn’t have the same weight of the world to carry around, like some kids do, because of what they’re exposed to online.”
The teen has also avoided the peer pressure of social media, cyberbullying, and the “potentially dangerous trends and challenges” that circulate online. He is sporty and loves reading, writing songs for his guitar, hiking, camping, and skiing with his close-knit family.
Mindful of his future needs, the Lows now plan to introduce their eldest to a cell phone gradually.
Helping Others
To assist other parents and their kids with the transition, Mrs. Low recommends some of her favorite books: “Creating A Tech Healthy Family“ by Andrea Davis; ”Glow Kids” by Nicholas Kardaras; “Reset Your Child’s Brain” by Dr. Victoria Dunckley; and “Good Pictures Bad Pictures Jr.—A Simple Plan to Protect Young Minds“ by Kristen A. Jenson.She said: “Make a little change, and do that for a while, and then add to it with another little change, and then keep adding along, over time. Be more intentional with using technology. In the beginning, the changes might feel harder because when you take the screens away [from kids], it’s an actual withdrawal. Like, it’s a short circuit that’s happening in the brain ... [and] we see that in the tantrums. But over time, they won’t crave it. It will get easier over time if you can stick with it, be intentional with it, and trust the process—it'll work out.
“I just want parents to have hope that it’s possible to change. And the brain is really quite an amazing part of the body. It can recover, heal, and change. Change can happen.”
None of the Low siblings have social media. Their father never has. Mrs. Low took a break for 10 years before returning to Instagram in 2022 to share her insights on regulating screen use and speaks from experience.
“I felt like I had way more time in my day when I didn’t have social media,” she said. “I also really loved that my relationships with people were just whatever happened face to face, in person. ... I felt like I should start an Instagram account just to try and share more information about the things I’ve been learning about screens, to try and help parents in my community.”
Mrs. Low makes sure she always exercises and reads scripture before going near social media and has a 15-minute time limit on the app to keep scrolling to a minimum. She takes every Sunday off and breaks for a week or two every couple of months.
“I’m happy if it can help anybody out there who feels like they’re walking a lonely path and trying to navigate technology with their kids,” she told The Epoch Times. “Technology is so helpful, and it’s a great tool, but sometimes we get sucked in simply because it’s convenient.
“Over time, it’s not a healthier way to handle things. We can’t expect our kids to think or act like an adult when we hand them over a cell phone with untethered access to everything that an adult might have access to. With continuous and high surges of dopamine ... it can rewire the pathways in our brain, and it can lead to addiction.”
Mrs. Low advises other parents to delay introducing cell phones as long as possible, or limit usage in a sustainable way, start having open conversations with their kids to explain the reasons why, and trust their gut instincts.
“It’s never too late to start making little changes and to feel hopeful,” she said.
