To My Lady Readers,
This week, I’d like to share some reflections on gentleness in the hope that these thoughts help and inspire you as much as they’ve helped and inspired me.
One of my ongoing questions to myself is how I can do better with life. Recently, part of the answer has been to be more gentle. When I say gentle, I’m speaking of a quintessential feminine trait, different from being a gentleman.
In her book “Fascinating Womanhood for the Timeless Woman,” Dixie Andelin Forsyth defines gentleness thus: “Gentleness: This is a hallmark of our sex. It can be beautiful and inspiring. It involves the actions we often take to uplift and preserve others’ feelings.”
I would add that gentleness is a balm to the souls of husbands and children.
When it comes to children, I have found that a gentle touch on the back and a soft voice are far more effective at changing unwanted behavior than yelling, lecturing, nagging, or giving consequences. Nagging and yelling are the opposite of gentleness; I have learned through experience that they leave me feeling frustrated and spent and don’t help my children grow or behave well, nor do they contribute to happiness or harmony in the family. Even if reproof or consequences are needed, giving them gently, along with explanations of my reasoning, much better respects the tender feelings of the child.
I’m not saying I’m a perfectly gentle mother, but only that I see the benefits of it. I recall once standing in line at Target and watching the mother in front of me berating her son for fidgeting and bumping into things. How much nicer it would be for everyone, I thought, if she gently reminded her son to be calm in the store. It would probably do a lot more to help him actually calm down. At the same time, I had to admit to myself that I often used that exact same tone with my son and that I was being shown this scene so that I could see how my behavior looks from the outside.
A massage therapist once told me that the gentlest touch can be the most powerful because the body relaxes into it instead of tensing. I’ve certainly found that gentle touch and movements are powerful, and the same principle applies to relationships—gentleness allows people to relax, trust, reflect, grow, and connect with their hearts. It allows children to trust you and helps instill in them a desire to be good.
I have some friends who inspire me in this realm, and from literature, I’ve taken inspiration from Ma in the books written by Laura Ingalls Wilder and from Marmee in “Little Women.” Both of these women are adored and respected by their husbands and daughters, which is one effect of gentleness.
When it comes to husbands and sons, gentleness in women brings forth love and admiration. For many a man, his mother and wife might be the only ones who care deeply about his feelings.
Herriot and his wife, Helen, are being taken to dinner by his colleague Granville Bennett and his wife, Zoe. Bennett is a good-hearted, generous man, but in this situation, a bit overconfident:
“Outside the fog was thicker than ever. My colleague backed his enormous Bentley from the garage and began to usher us inside with great ceremony. He installed Helen and Zoe in the back, clucking solicitously over them, then he helped me into the passenger seat in front as though I were a disabled old man, tucking my coat in, adjusting the angle of the seat for maximum comfort, showing me how the cigar lighter worked, lighting up the glove compartment, enquiring which radio program I desired.”
Ahead of them is a very steep, grassy hill, and Bennett, unable to see in the fog, proceeds to drive up it:
“He didn’t seem to notice as the nose of the great car rose steadily higher, but when we had achieved an angle of forty-five degrees, Zoe broke in gently from the back.
“‘Granville, dear, you’re on the grass.’
“My colleague looked round in some surprise. ‘Not at all, my love. The road slopes a little here if you remember.’ He kept his foot on the throttle.
“I said nothing as my feet rose and my head went back. There was a point when the Bentley was almost perpendicular and I thought we were going over backwards, then I heard Zoe again.
“‘Granville, darling.’ There was a hint of urgency in her tone. ‘You’re going up the bank.’”
This time, it seemed her husband was prepared to concede a little. Bennett takes his foot off the brake, the car shoots backward, stopping with a crunch as it hits something behind. Zoe says:
“You’ve hit Mrs. Thompson’s wall, dear.”
To which Bennett replied:
“Have I, sweetheart? Ah, one moment. We’ll soon be on our way.”
He drives forward briefly before there’s a dull crash in the front and the sound of breaking glass and metal:
“‘Darling,’ Zoe piped. ‘That was the thirty miles an hour sign.’
“‘Was it really, my angel?’ Granville rubbed his hand on the window.”
At this point, he concedes that the trip to the restaurant had better wait.
Now, some of you may be wondering whether gentleness means being submissive or a “doormat.” My answer to this is that part of the role of a wife and mother is to help our family members become the best they can be, and central to this is good moral character. So we need to keep the big picture in mind and there will be things we choose to forbear, but we also need to be firm about what matters and address harmful situations appropriately. And in this, gentleness is a great asset because it’s wonderful for helping minds to open and hearts to change.
And it most certainly isn’t a sign of weakness. Gentleness actually requires great strength, like in the story above, where Zoe remained calm and loving in a tense situation.
Another important facet of gentleness is its effect on the emotional well-being of us women. Being gentle means that we’re in control of ourselves and that, like Zoe, we’re able to handle tense situations with grace and without undue stress and emotions. This certainly isn’t easy, but it’s essential for our well-being. Our relationships will always bring challenges—this is an inevitable fact of life—and sometimes, the only and best thing we can do is to learn to handle these well.
Also, gentleness brings with it a great relaxation of mind and spirit, helping us manifest our best and highest potential. So in my estimation, it’s one of the most powerful and empowering habits we can cultivate.
Sincerely,
June
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