Loving relationships are truly a blessing. They are an oasis in a challenging and difficult world. But while romance may arise spontaneously and fill us with love, once the honeymoon phase has passed, we usually need to invest to maintain and deepen our love for our partner.
Chapman also was the one who outlined the five love languages, a facet of human nature in which we tend to feel love based primarily on one of these five things: words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time, and physical touch.
The other four may not make us feel deeply loved or appreciated, no matter how much heart our partner puts into them.
After you learn your language, to build more love in your marriage, you might want to figure out your partner’s preferred language. As I mentioned above, everyone generally has one language through which they best receive love, and often, couples have different languages. So if your language is words of affirmation, but your partner’s language is physical touch, you could tell him many times a day how much you love and appreciate him, but he might find these words empty and actually feel more loved when you give him a hug.
Words of Affirmation
Tell your spouse regularly that you love him.Notice his accomplishments and what he does that helps or pleases you, and tell him how much you appreciate him and his efforts.
Write notes with loving and appreciative messages and hide them where your spouse will find them.
Acts of Service
Do her chores occasionally, especially the ones you know she dislikes. Do your chores consistently so she knows she can count on you.
Ask her if there’s anything you can do for her. You might be surprised by what she wishes.
Whenever you get yourself a drink, ask if you can get her one as well. This is an especially good habit if your partner doesn’t drink enough. If you cook, make food that you know she enjoys. This might mean preparing two meals or eat- ing something you are not as enthusiastic about.
Gifts
Make sure you mark special occasions with gifts. These need not break the bank, because it’s more about the thought behind the gift.If your gift-loving partner has trouble letting go of gifts and has accumulated too many, consider giving gifts he can use up such as nice toiletries, candles, or perhaps gourmet food.
Photographs and photo books make great sentimental gifts.
Quality Time
If your partner’s love language is quality time, make sure you turn your phone off and give her your full attention at some point each day. Meals are a good time for this. If you have children, spend a little time together after the kids are in bed.
Schedule regular date nights where you spend the whole evening focused on her.
Doing things like cleaning the kitchen together while talking can also be good quality time if you’re very busy and can’t find time to sit together.
Physical Touch
Greet your spouse with physical touch, such as a hug or a kiss. One tip from a marriage counselor I heard is to make this touch last at least four seconds.Make massage or cuddles a daily routine. This could be a short foot or shoulder rub, a gentle rub on where he most holds tension, or just time sitting close enough together so that you are touching.
Keeping the Bond Strong
In addition to focusing on your partner’s love language, there are some general habits that can keep your relationship loving and strong:- Tell the truth. Even white lies and half-truths will strain the fabric of any relationship, because your words can’t fully be trusted and you'll live with a nervous feeling that you might one day be found out. If you have made a mistake, confess and earnestly try to do better.
- Embrace sacrifice. All of our relationships require us to sacrifice in one way or another, so be prepared to let go of some of your desires in order to make your partner happy. This shouldn’t feel like you’re constantly suppressing your needs—although from time to time, this might be necessary—this should instead feel like you’re gladly giving up certain things because your relationship is precious and worth the sacrifice.
- Focus on your partner’s strengths. After you’re married, you will undoubtedly come to know your partner’s faults. Be kind and gentle with these and try to minimize them in your mind while you focus on her strengths. If necessary, remind yourself of your own shortcomings. We’re all in a process of growing, and love gives us strength to overcome many things, whereas criticism and fault-finding usually saps everyone’s energy.
- Understand that men and women are different. They often have different priorities, innate drives, and ways of thinking. Unless properly understood, these can cause conflicts. Understanding how men and women are different and complementary can open doors for greater understanding, appreciation, and love. To learn more about this, you can check out books such as “Fascinating Womanhood,” “His Needs, Her Needs,” “The Alpha Female’s Guide to Men and Marriage,” and “The Surrendered Wife.”
- Take care of yourself. Eating, resting, and exercising properly are things many people struggle with, but getting and keeping yourself in a positive cycle will give you so much more energy to love your spouse. Taking care of yourself does require discipline, but it can also help strengthen your will if you know you need to do it for both yourself and your relationship.
- Let go of stuff that doesn’t serve you. Possessions take time and energy and can be a barrier to a loving relationship. The less you have, the less you feel you need to downsize, and the freer your time and space for love.
