Derek and Lindsay Lane, who are about to celebrate their 23rd wedding anniversary, have made it a rule to never say the three-word phrase “I hate you” as a family, and it has helped their five children focus on building positive relationships with each other.
Mr. and Mrs. Lane got married at quite a young age, in their late teens, and had their first child when they were 18 and 19. Faith in God being the foundation of their lives, the Lanes feel they have been blessed in their family and their work.
“Our plan was not necessarily to start life as teen parents,“ said Mrs. Lane, speaking to the Epoch Times, ”but the Lord has been good to us through the challenges of teen marriage and parenthood.”
Over the years, the couple settled in Nashville, Tennessee, and worked hand-in-hand to build a family culture where speaking rudely isn’t dismissed as “normal sibling talk.” Rather they emphasized reminding their kids “what a gift they are to each other and that being hateful isn’t reflecting the fact that a sibling is a blessing.”
The proud parents say their parenting philosophy is simple: raising children who aspire to glorify God through their actions and thoughts.
Never Saying Unkind Words
Today, Mr. Lane works as an IT professional, and Mrs. Lane works through social media platforms encouraging homeschooling families who seek to live an intentional life with their children.
From the beginning, even while they were in the midst of the “chaos of young parenthood,” the couple desired for their five children—Elisa, 22; Ava, 19; Audrey, 16; Owen, 14; and Everett, 12—to be each other’s good friends and put in a ”great effort to create” an upright culture in their home.
“We were young parents, literally growing up ourselves while raising babies,” Mrs. Lane said. “I don’t know that there was ever a point in time where we intentionally set the rule that ‘I hate you’ was not allowed.
“It was more of setting the tone in our home that brothers and sisters are a blessing to each other and, therefore, unkind words are off limits. ‘I hate you’ would fall under the umbrella of unkind words, so it naturally became off limits.”
Exercising Self-Control
The couple admits their family’s relationships have been put to the test from time to time. However, by focusing on intentional bonding, they have continued to grow closer as a family.Mrs. Lane says their kids do get “upset, frustrated, and angry” at one another at times, but, as a family, they endeavor to practice self-control with how they react and “not lash out towards one another.”
“They’re not perfect, but our kids do have exceptional friendships with each other,” she said, adding that her children have still had to put in work to sort out their differences at times. And, by focusing on the actual offense rather than just the emotions involved, it makes it “easier to work through the problem.”
The proud mom-of-five admits her kids might have said some unkind words a few times in their late childhood years, and the consequences were usually specific to that child: losing the privilege of video games or using their phone.
“Getting to the heart of the issue is the biggest solution to the problem,” she said. “Yes, there are consequences for negative actions, but if we never address the root issues, that negative action will flair back up time and again.”
The positive impact this approach has had on the Lane family is a reflection of their upright and intentional parenting.
“We put emphasis on kindness towards each other, that each person is a blessing, and in turn, we truly enjoy being with one another. As older kids and young adults, our kids value each other not just as a family member but truly as a friend,” she said.
Parents Should Be the Influencers
To share the good things she’s learned along the way, Mrs. Lane spreads the joy of parenting through their Instagram page, LanesLessTraveled. When she shared her family rule of never saying “I hate you,” the response was mostly positive, however, as the video started trending, there were some negative comments that trickled in.“The majority of the negative responses came from kids,” she said. “Those kids probably just don’t know any different. In a culture where we’re told to put self above all, and in a culture where the norm is for siblings to hate each other, bicker, and argue, then why would they agree with using self-control when responding to a brother or sister? The negativity is just a reflection of our culture.”
Mrs. Lane advises parents raising children today: be present and be in charge.
“Parents are the number one influence in children’s lives, or they should be,” she said, adding that it’s unfortunate that in today’s culture, that responsibility is often handed over to people who may not share the same values and standards as parents during the most formative years of their children’s lives.
“Our culture is a reflection of that,” she said.
She believes that if parents can be present for their kids, they can be “the biggest influence” in their kids’ lives.
For Mrs. Lane and her family, making wise and family-centered choices has made all the difference, and she hopes to make a difference in the lives of other families as well.
“We use our platform to be authentic and vulnerable and to share the reality of raising kids and being intentional. The good and the bad. And we recognize that the trust we’ve built with our audience is truly a gift we’ve been given by being able to help encourage and speak into the lives of those (moms mostly) coming behind us,” Mrs. Lane said.
