On This Dad’s Day, Let’s Polish Up Fatherhood

Now's the time to reflect on what Father's Day really means

How a family responds to a husband or dad can encourage him to be a better father. Biba Kayewich

Many years ago, my bride-to-be cajoled me into some dance lessons. During those few sessions, as our instructor guided us through some ballroom basics, he repeated several times, “Just remember, the woman is the picture, the man is the frame.”

This same description might apply to traditional two-parent families, in which Mom is usually the more vivid picture in a child’s life. She’s the one who carries the pre-born baby, kisses the toddler’s scraped knee, cries on the first day of school, and drives the kids to soccer, ballet, martial arts, drama club, and birthday parties.

Dad often plays second fiddle in this duet of parenting. He’s the guy who arrives home around suppertime after selling insurance or hammering nails all day. He’s the one who can teach his little girl how to bait a hook or his son to throw a football, but fumbles with the words “I love you” or “I’m sorry.”

In short, he’s the frame and Mom’s the picture.

Unfortunately, these days, that frame is cracked, dusty, and neglected. Here’s just one example. Right now, the United States has more single-parent households than any other country in the world, and it’s not even close. Women head up the vast majority of these households, while lots of dads have gone missing in action. Coming behind them are growing numbers of young men who claim they don’t want to be fathers at all.

Time for a change, I’d say. What if on this Father’s Day all of us, dads included, pitched in with some polish and glue, and made that fatherhood frame shine again?

Here are some ways we can get started.

Mad at Dad? 2 Points to Consider

Before commencing these repairs, we need to acknowledge that many people have strained or broken relationships with their fathers, or don’t even know who they are, and therefore, aren’t fans of Father’s Day. Those who feel this way might keep a couple of points in mind.

First, consider the 1972 “Proclamation 4127—Father’s Day,” by which the federal government officially established the third Sunday in June as Father’s Day. Kicking off the document is this declaration: “To have a father—to be a father—is to come very near the heart of life itself. In fatherhood, we know the elemental magic and joy of humanity.”

As we read on, we find this proclamation asks us to honor the nobility of fatherhood. Consequently, whether we are blessed with the best father in the world or cursed with the worst, we can celebrate Father’s Day as an ideal rather than a personal reality.

Second, and much more importantly, it pays to remember that all of us were born of a mother and a father. Whatever our personal relationship with our father, because of that man, we are unique creatures, breathing and alive here in this mystery we call life. By some calculations, the odds of that happening, of you being born as you, have been reckoned at about 1 in 400 trillion. If nothing else, each of us is mathematical miracle, created by a mother and a father.

There’s a statistic that might give you pause when shaking a fist at Dad.

Step Up to the Plate, Dads

Father’s Day was established to honor our fathers. Perhaps, however, this special day should also serve to remind all fathers to honor fatherhood.

Many dads already do so. In 2019, Pew Research Center found that more fathers are working from home and helping care for the children, that they view parenting as being a key to their identity, and that they are “much more involved in child care than they were 50 years ago.” Clearly, millions of fathers in our country are deeply engaged with their families and children.

So here’s a thought: Maybe on this Father’s Day, those of us who are dads and granddads might take some time to mull over our performance. Sure, we love our children and grandchildren, but do we communicate that love with words and hugs? Are we good listeners? Do we think before shooting out advice to our teenage daughter or our grandson? Do we hold back on criticizing our grown children’s parenting skills?

And for all those fathers who are separated for whatever reason from their children, maybe this is the day to try to repair those broken bridges. A note in the mail, a phone call if appropriate, or a prearranged visit if that is a possibility—even if your efforts fail, you did what a father should do. You tried.

Words From Mom

Like nearly all adults, fathers these days need encouragement. Here’s where you can step in, Mom. Leave him a note where he’ll find it, telling him how much you and the children appreciate all he does. If the children are small, give him gifts from them, a Dad’s Day coffee mug, a framed photograph of him sleeping with the baby on his chest, a fun T-shirt, like the one inscribed “You Can’t Scare Me, I Have Two Daughters.”

Your cheers can make him a better man and father.

Calling All Children

Whether you’re 17 or 35, make this a special Father’s Day. Gifts, cards, and a backyard cookout are great, but what Dad needs most from you is you. Your presence on this day will mean everything to him. Conversations needn’t be profound; the time together is what counts and what he’ll treasure in his memory. If you live too far away for a personal visit, set up a meeting by phone or on Zoom. The goal is to connect.

And if you haven’t seen your father in a long time—the result of a falling out or a divorce when you were younger—consider mending the relationship. Again, a card or a call may fail, but at least you tried.

My wife and I once owned a bookshop about three blocks from our house. Sometimes, as I walked home in the early evening, my young children would be waiting for me at the foot of the sidewalk. They’d wave as soon as they saw me, and I’d smile, wave, and pick up my pace. Looking back, I realize how much those little gestures of welcome meant to me, and I hope they made me want to be a father worthy of that salute.

We often hear of fathers making better children. We often forget that children can make better fathers.

Memories

Those of us whose fathers have died can pause on this day to bring them to mind. For many of us, those recollections may be a sweet and sour blend of memories, but that’s all right. Young or old, male or female, we can take what was the best in our fathers and vow to keep it as our own, and in the same breath promise ourselves to avoid their shortcomings and flaws.

These excursions into grief and the past can be painful, but if we summon up the courage, listen closely, and open our hearts, the dead, including our fathers, will speak to us in our memories.

Others among the living will speak to us too, if we dads and children are willing to listen. Grandparents, friends, and mentors can all influence the formation of fathers.

The equation is simple: Good dads make good daughters and sons.

And that should be the target for all of us.