Dad’s Letter to Younger Childless Self Inspires Gender-Role Talks Between Couples

Dad’s Letter to Younger Childless Self Inspires Gender-Role Talks Between Couples
Courtesy of Ted Gonder
Updated:

“Be the kind of man that improves the reputation of men.” This is advice from Ted Gonder, 32, husband and father, who is doing his best to live by his own counsel as he supports his wife and three kids.

Three years ago, Gonder—who’s the co-founder of Moneythink and has been named on the Forbes 30 under 30 list—posted a potent letter to himself on social media, resulting in a shower of public attention. The letter that he wrote as a 29-year-old father, addressed to himself at the childless age of 24, quickly went viral. Since then, his post has been translated into over 100 languages, reposted in thousands of publications, and has received over 100,000 likes and shares.

What have people found so attention-grabbing about this letter?

Ted Gonder with his wife, Franziska Gonder. (Courtesy of <a href="https://www.instagram.com/tedgonder/">Ted Gonder</a>)
Ted Gonder with his wife, Franziska Gonder. Courtesy of Ted Gonder
(Courtesy of <a href="https://www.instagram.com/tedgonder/">Ted Gonder</a>)
Courtesy of Ted Gonder

Gonder, who at age 29 had just become a father to his third child, told The Epoch Times that he penned his letter as a means of processing his own emotions at the time. Three years after his original post, Gonder says the reactions have been “heartwarming and humbling.”

People thanked Gonder for helping to initiate role-related conversations between spouses. Others expressed shock at the idea of parenthood in one’s 20s, to which Gonder responds in part by saying, “being a young parent is awesome!” Other reactions include many dads being publicly acknowledged by appreciative partners, which Gonder says made him feel “more optimistic about the state and future of masculine culture.” In his response to the many reactions, Gonder exhorts men to “be the kind of man that improves the reputation of men.”

And that is just what he is trying to do. Here are a few highlights from the admonitions he would give to his younger self:

“Wifey carried baby IN her belly for 9 months. So you carry baby ON your belly for 9 months every chance you get.” 
“…change EVERY diaper you can. From diaper #1 onward. You will get over the grossness fast…” “…when all your wife’s friends are complaining about how absent and unsupportive their husbands are, your wife will be bragging about you.”
“Tell her she is beautiful…” “Remind her she is a superhero. She literally just moved all her organs around and gained 20 kilograms (44 pounds) to give you a child that will be a gift to you for the rest of your life.”
“Take the heat. Hormones are crazy, both pre and post birth. She won’t seem like herself every day and sometimes she will say things she wouldn’t say if she didn’t feel like she was hungover, caffeinated, and on steroids every day…”
(Courtesy of <a href="https://www.instagram.com/tedgonder/">Ted Gonder</a>)
Courtesy of Ted Gonder
(Courtesy of <a href="https://www.instagram.com/tedgonder/">Ted Gonder</a>)
Courtesy of Ted Gonder

Talking about his experiences with marriage and parenting, Gonder says that he grew up as an only child and never planned to have children, but opened up to the idea after “falling in love” with his wife, Franziska, and “seeing what an amazing mom she’d be.”

He currently works to grow the software company Getro while co-parenting his three children with Franziska, 35, a somatic leadership coach for tech founders, high-performing women, and ambitious couples. The two raise their family in Germany. The couple decided early on that they would co-parent their children, working mostly from home until each of their children reached 5 years old. While that meant career changes for both professionally successful parents, Gonder says it has been “totally worth it.”

“When my wife is free to think creatively, the result is a beautiful experience for everyone in our family,” he said. “So outside of my job and also co-parenting each of our three kids, I see my role as blocking and tackling anything in our life that might prevent my wife from living her truest, fullest, most liberated, creative version of herself.”

(Courtesy of <a href="https://www.instagram.com/tedgonder/">Ted Gonder</a>)
Courtesy of Ted Gonder

Gonder’s post-parenthood workday, which is vastly different from the ones he had pre-parenthood, includes helping with the laundry and dishes, apart from managing family finances. “Before I became a parent, I worked 80–100 hours a week building companies, serving as a White House advisor, and flying around the world for conferences,“ he recalled. ”I had a 5 a.m. morning routine that included meditation, weights, reading, and writing. I had professional networking outings almost every evening.

“The hardest part of becoming a dad for me was how all of a sudden I went from having total control over my schedule and routines to now having to design my life around another person’s life. I became much more grounded, caring, empathetic, calm, and clearheaded after becoming a parent.”

“Becoming a parent starved my ego but fed my soul,” Gonder added.

It has given him a tall stack of unforgettable family moments, including movie nights, picnics on Lake Michigan, falling asleep with his children, strolling through Budapest, lazy Sunday art projects, watching the kids “conquer their fears” by bouldering and swimming, and family workouts to loud music—directed by the kids, of course.

(Courtesy of <a href="https://www.instagram.com/tedgonder/">Ted Gonder</a>)
Courtesy of Ted Gonder
(Courtesy of <a href="https://www.instagram.com/tedgonder/">Ted Gonder</a>)
Courtesy of Ted Gonder
With the Gonders launching a Visionary Couple course in July for people who are interested in building and strengthening their relationship and family, the loving dad of three says his family lives by five words: Vibrant, Healthy, Strong, United, and Kind.

And when it comes to schooling, the Gonders family believes that “the purpose of education is to help a child discover their inner element and outer interests.” They want their children to learn “how” to learn, to lead themselves and others, and to live with integrity—their outward behaviors aligning with their inward convictions.

Both parents attended traditional public schools, and Gonder says that he and his wife are still “unlearning” some of the ways of thinking that were instilled by that education. They love the Montessori approach and appreciate the principles of Waldorf learning, supporting the individual learning pace and self-directed interests of each child.

Gonder says that their oldest son is in first grade and is “excelling at reading and writing, faster than some of his peers,” so his teacher has let him move onto second-grade subject matter for that area of learning.

“We hope our sons become kind, loving, emotionally courageous men who wear their hearts on their sleeves, strive to help others, and lead by example in their communities. We hope they develop the skills to be self-reliant so that they aren’t a burden to others,” the proud dad said.

(Courtesy of <a href="https://www.instagram.com/tedgonder/">Ted Gonder</a>)
Courtesy of Ted Gonder
(Courtesy of <a href="https://www.instagram.com/tedgonder/">Ted Gonder</a>)
Courtesy of Ted Gonder

Even with what appear to be stellar parameters and goals for the family, Gonder still recognizes that there are some common mistakes that they have made—and that are made by other young couples new to parenting.

Instead of the divide-and-conquer mentality, Gonder says that families split up “too often” and says he has found that “showing up as a full family as often as possible is worth the sacrifice.” Other mistakes young parents make are complaining about their children to other parents, or trusting experts rather than one’s own intuition. Rather than relying entirely on advice from experts, Gonder suggests simply paying attention.

“If you’re just present and tuned in, you’ll know what soothes your child!” Gonder said. “You need to tune into your own child and put down your phone.”

The Gonder family. (Courtesy of <a href="https://www.instagram.com/tedgonder/">Ted Gonder</a>)
The Gonder family. Courtesy of Ted Gonder

When The Epoch Times asked Gonder if he had any other advice for young dads-to-be, he had some tidbits to add to his first letter about how to best support a partner before or after pregnancy.

Advising young couples before they embark on their journey to parenthood, Gonder says, “It’s time to graduate from boy psychology to man psychology.” He believes that it is wise to build a fitness habit to prepare oneself for all of the carrying, twisting, crawling, sleeping in odd positions, and being on the feet more than one is used to, apart from planning “a couple’s retreat with your wife to create a ‘family vision’ and turn it into a manifesto.”

After pregnancy, he says, couples shouldn’t hesitate to seek help or pay for it if they can. Support from a nearby family, a doula, or a housecleaner, depending upon the resources at hand, can give parents room to breathe and time to focus on caring for the children. Stocking the kitchen with only healthy food and learning to cook quick healthy meals should be on the must-do list of every couple, he says, because when sleep goes out the window with a newborn in the home, healthy fruit, vegetables, and high-quality protein are a smart substitute to easy but unhealthy snacks.

And last but not the least, he says, remember to “remind your loving wife how beautiful she is, and that she’s enough!”

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E. S. Armstrong
E. S. Armstrong
Author
E.S. Armstrong is a writer with degrees in social sciences and linguistics. She writes human interest and inspiring stories that highlight hope, faith, resilience, and true grit.
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