Why a 2-hour Cocktail Party Can Change Your Life

A cocktail party is all about the conversation. Monkey Business Images/Shutterstock

If you’re longing for good old-fashioned human connection, but wondering how to meet new people in the digital age, consider the cocktail party.

We’re talking about a version that’s more about social interaction than a throwback to the hard-drinking Mad Men era. It’s about creating a low-stakes gathering to meet people and have great  conversation, without the formality and complicated planning of a dinner party.

Today, loneliness impacts around half of adults in America, and social anxiety is on the rise. Young people seeking connection in an isolated age, unfamiliar with the world of formal parties and entertaining, might be unsure of how to go about it.

The best part is you don’t have to figure everything out on your own. There’s a guidebook from a guy who successfully grew his circle of friends by doing it.

Yes, it takes a little work and planning. But the rewards are plentiful. As host, you’ll create introductions that can lead to long-lasting relationships, both for you and your guests. You’ll have a great time, too.

A New Era for the Cocktail Party

Entrepreneur Nick Gray hardly knew anyone when he made New York City his home.

“I had nearly zero social skills,” he said. “I remember the first time that I talked to someone I didn’t know at a bar. I was just so surprised that you could talk to strangers and make friends with people and that people were actually friendly. That seriously was a life-changing experience.”

Once he got established in the Big Apple, he wanted to expand his circle of friends. Gray came up with the idea of using a cocktail party—but not one focused on alcohol.

The concept is simple: Bring small groups of about 15 people together, but use Gray’s tried-and-true playbook that subtly encourages interaction. No wallflowers allowed. He walks readers through the process in his book, “The 2-Hour Cocktail Party.”

Nick Gray is the author of "The 2-Hour Cocktail Party." Svetlana Photography/Courtesy of Nick Gray

Planning the Party

Ready to give it a try? Start with a calendar. Gray says some days of the week are better than others: Gray says Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday are best. Thursday through Sunday are “heavyweight days” when people often have previous plans. His parties run from 7 p.m. to 9 p.m., since he wants to give guests time to rest after work and let them get home at a reasonable hour.

As for invitations, Gray suggests inviting 20 to 30 people if you want to end up with 15 who actually attend—a good number to create enough energy in the room. For the first party, start by inviting a “core group” of good friends, neighbors, and colleagues. Cast a wider net for subsequent parties, including friends of friends and interesting people you may have met along the way. That might include professionals or even service staff at places you frequent, such as the barista at your favorite cafe.

For his first party, Gray invited college friends he knew would attend, then friends of friends and some neighbors. He also invited a writer whose blog he admired. From there, it only grew.

Create interest before the party even begins by sending out a guest list with short bios. They don’t have to be complicated or detailed. Even simple talking points can build excitement and help shy guests prepare for conversations.

Make sure to send out a reminder a few days before the party, and on the morning it’s scheduled. You don’t want someone to simply say, “I forgot!” the day after the event.

Break the Ice

The key to getting the ball rolling? Icebreakers that get people talking.

Gray begins by getting his guests in a circle and making an announcement: “There’s a lot of cool people here at this party, so we’re just going to do one or two rounds of introductions to help you get to know everybody quickly, and maybe you’ll use that as an excuse to go up and say hello to somebody new.”

The idea might elicit groans or eye rolls, but Gray says that most guests get it once the host explains the reasoning. “What I find is that when you explain the ‘why’ to people of why we are doing it, they understand and they are brought in.”

A good icebreaker is one that doesn’t take someone too much thought or time to answer, but still reveals something about his or her personality. Skip the vague “fun fact about yourself” and try asking for one of their favorite things to eat for breakfast, or a great book they recently read. Perhaps another guest also can’t start the day without avocado toast or has just seen a movie you love. Suddenly, you have something in common. That gets conversations going.

Gray suggests three icebreakers spaced out during the two-hour party. The first one can be a lighter topic, such as the breakfast question. The last one should leave guests with some new knowledge or ideas, such as a book or movie recommendation.

Name tags are also a must. Gray explains that they make it easier for guests to go up to new people and start conversations. It also saves them from the all-too-common mistake of forgetting someone’s name.

Keep the Fare Simple

As for the “cocktail” part, you don’t need to be a master bartender. Gray says the whole affair should be simple: “You should be able to do this whole party for less than a $100 total. It’s only very basic snacks and drinks.”

He suggests hosts should buy one or two bottles of wine, some seltzer, maybe some alcoholic seltzer, non-alcoholic options like water and juice, and the most basic simple snacks like chips, nuts, cheese, and grapes. For a two-hour cocktail party, there’s no cooking required. Focus on the guest list more than the food and drink. Remember, it’s about people making new connections, and you making some new friends.