What mother hasn’t, at one time or another, felt like she was completely failing at motherhood? Why is this feeling so universal, and what can a mom do to pull herself out of the despair it brings?
The Epoch Times: Based on your professional experience, how common is it for moms to feel like they’re failing at motherhood?
Risa Williams: Many moms are hard on themselves, and many moms expect themselves to be “perfect” a lot of the time. This usually comes from a feeling of wanting to provide the “best” childhood for our kids, and this can cause us to feel like we’re “falling short” of the often unrealistic expectations we put on ourselves.
The Epoch Times: Why is this feeling so universal?
Ms. Williams: Often, if you’re not examining and becoming more mindful of why you’re putting so much pressure on yourself to be “perfect,” it might be that there are some unresolved things from your own childhood carrying over. It’s worth looking at, journaling about, and talking to a therapist about.
It’s also worth taking a little time to consider what your child needs emotionally to feel supported and loved. Sometimes it’s not about experiences we’re providing as much as it’s about checking in and listening to your kids more on a regular basis. We also need to check in with ourselves more and learn to regulate our own stress as it’s rising so we can teach this skill to our kids.
The Epoch Times: Are there common things that tend to trigger this feeling in mothers?
Ms. Williams: Sometimes anxiety over “mom performance” can be sparked by a feeling of competition with other parents and our perceptions of what other families are doing around us. Comparing ourselves in a negative way can lead to feelings of insecurity. It can be easy to have a misperception of what we think other parents are doing and how easy things are for them, when in reality, these things might not be true at all. We often don’t know how stressful things really are for other people in general.
The Epoch Times: When a mom gets into a rut, feeling like she’s failing and seeing no hope for redemption, what practical steps can she take to overcome it?
Ms. Williams: Be kinder in the way you talk to yourself. Remember that you can say all sorts of nice things to your kids, but if you’re beating yourself up a lot, your kids might be picking up on your self-talk as well. As parents, we can work on modeling positive self-talk and self-encouragement, so that our kids can grow up knowing how to talk to themselves in a positive way as well.
The Epoch Times: If there’s a mom reading this right now who feels like she’s failing at motherhood, what’s the very first thing you would advise her to do?
Ms. Williams: Try to find simple ways to bring your daily stress down a little at a time. Talk to yourself with kindness more and become a little more gentle toward yourself in your daily thoughts. Encourage yourself more. Tell yourself things such as, “Good job finishing that task!” or “Great job getting through the day!” when things start to feel stressful, just like you would talk to your kids. Take time to take care of yourself each day and make self-care more of a priority, just like you make taking care of your kids a priority, too.
If you find yourself rushing around, slow down, take deliberate deep breaths, and connect back to yourself and how you’re feeling. Teach your kids that when things get stressful, you can regulate your stress by taking time to rest, to reset yourself, and to slow down. The kinder you are in the way you talk to yourself, the more your kids will learn how to talk to themselves with kindness, too.
