Timeless Relationship Advice From a Famous Old Maid

The best way for young men and women to find good partners is to cultivate worthy goals and growth in their own lives. Drazen Zigic/Shutterstock

Given the strange world we live in today, many parents and grandparents find themselves wondering what they can do to help their children turn into successful adults. One simple thing that I often suggest is to read books—old books, the kind that can be found in library discard rooms.I took my own advice recently, haunted the discard room at my local library, and came away with a stack of books—not the least of which was Louisa May Alcott’s “Rose in Bloom,” a favorite of mine from childhood. I cracked this find open recently, feeling the need to read something fun and light.

But while reading it, I suddenly realized I had misjudged this old classic, first published in 1876. Yes, it’s a fun read. Yes, it’s a fairly easy read. But reading it from an adult’s perspective suddenly made me realize that Alcott filled this young adult book chock full of truths still applicable today, particularly in a chapter called “Both Sides,” which deals with relationships between men and women.

Alcott begins by portraying four male cousins in their early 20s discussing the highs and lows of their love lives. Three are in love, while one is yet blissfully unattached, and as Alcott points out, it is this last one who offers the soundest advice.

“The better women are, the more unreasonable they are,” cousin No. 1, Charlie, complains. “They don’t require us to be saints like themselves, which is lucky; but they do expect us to render ‘an honest and a perfect man’ sometimes, and that is asking rather too much in a fallen world like this.”

“It is very unreasonable in us to ask women to be saints, and then expect them to feel honored when we offer them our damaged hearts, or, at best, one not half as good as theirs,” Mac, the unattached cousin, counters.

A Vicious Cycle

You’ve probably heard a complaint like Charlie’s in recent years. Today many young men talk about how they’d really just like to get married to a nice girl and raise a family. That’s a wonderful aspiration.

The trouble is, many of these same young men have accumulated a number of bad habits, living lifestyles less than praiseworthy up until that point. While there are many young women who would likely seek that young man for a partner, the woman he really wants—the good one who would happily settle down and build a home with a good man—wisely avoids him. (In this day and age, I might also add that it can work both ways, with women going all in on lifestyles and habits that make them unattractive to the men who have wisely avoided such pitfalls.)

And thus we enter a vicious cycle, making it difficult for young people to find worthy partners and form the strong families the next generation so desperately needs.

What is the solution to breaking this cycle? Again, Mac offers a reasonable and straightforward answer for a man trying to win a wise woman’s heart:

“Do my best all round: keep good company, read good books, love good things, and cultivate soul and body as faithfully and wisely as I can.”

In other words, love the good and hate evil. Cultivate the good, the true, and the beautiful. Attract the best by aiming at worthy goals in your own life. Simple concepts, yet so profound—and sadly, so often ignored by many today.

Yet those who diligently pursue these high and worthy goals will find that they receive one of the greatest blessings in life: a faithful and loyal helpmeet with whom to weather the joys and sorrows of life. As Mac says:

“I think I shall ask some good woman ‘to lend a hand’ when I’ve got any thing worth offering her. Not a saint, for I never shall be one myself, but a gentle creature who will help me, as I shall try to help her; so that we can go on together, and finish our work hereafter, if we haven’t time to do it here.”

‘Wise Love’

That aspect of give and take transfers to the ladies as well, Alcott implies, switching over to a conversation between two of her story’s leading women, Rose and Kitty, who are also discussing the issue of relationships.

Rose implies that mere attraction and chemistry are not enough to make a solid, long-lasting marriage. Instead, love must be weighed in the balance, seeing if there are enough connections and similarities to make a good match.

“It is not always safe to marry a person just because you love him,” Rose says. “One should stop and see if it is a wise love, likely to help both parties, and wear well; for you know it ought to last all one’s lifetime, and it is very sad if it doesn’t.”

What makes for a wise love? “Trust and respect,” Rose replies.

Many women today would scoff at that idea. After all, we live in a feminist world, where women are to be bold, independent, and ready to put men in their place.

But no, Rose hints, the idea is not to improve oneself in order to best the men in all they do, but to improve oneself in order to be a better partner for the man who makes her his choice. This can be done simply by reading good books, cultivating firm principles, and seeking wise advice from older women.

Some may look at these little dialogues from Alcott and shrug, dismissing them as naive or as something from a bygone era, particularly since Alcott herself never married. But perhaps that perspective of an outsider looking in is exactly why she gained these profound insights—whether through mistakes in her own life or the ponderings done in a solitary, introspective life.

Regardless, love and marriage are essential components of a thriving, continuing society. And unless we raise the members of our younger generations to cultivate kindness, goodness, respect, and faithfulness in their personal lives, they will never grow into worthy partners who will make marriages and families succeed.

There’s no time like the present to take a page from the past in order to preserve the future.