Parenting Matters: The Powerful Influence of Good Parenting

Studies show that good parenting from both mother and father is crucial for children's development and well-being 

For many fathers—and volunteer fathers—pleasure in their sons' accomplishments far outweighs anything they accomplish themselves. Biba Kayewich

Alec was a state-level long-distance runner. He started running in seventh grade and continued through high school. He won the state championship as a high school junior.

I forgot why he came to see me that day, but during the visit, he told me that the next weekend he would be running in the state cross country meet. He glowed and flushed red as he added, “I’m favored to win.”

“Your dad must be so proud of you,” I said.

He looked at his feet and mumbled, “He has never seen me run.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. Does he live far away?”

“No, he lives in town, but he says he is too busy to come to a meet. Actually, I’ve only seen him twice since I started high school.” Then, trying to make an excuse for his dad, he added: “I was only 5 when he and Mom divorced. He’s not really a part of my life. I wish he could be, though!”

“I feel sorry for your dad,” I said. “He’s missing out on knowing his own son and, from what I can tell, a really great son at that!”

I can’t imagine anything as sad as a man intentionally not knowing his own son. The pleasure we dads feel with their every accomplishment is unmatched by anything we accomplish ourselves.

“I want to know my kids and be part of their life,” Alec explained. Then he hung his head again and said, “But, I heard, and read too, that kids become their parents, and so I suppose I can’t really control what kind of a dad I'll be—if I ever even become a dad.”

“Well, there is some truth in that saying,” I replied, “but you can be the person or dad you want to be, if you care enough to become the man and father you want and need to be. Being a good dad is work. You know how to work or you wouldn’t be running next weekend. It looks to me that you have the passion needed to be just about any kind of man you want to become.”

Mothers’ Influence

There’s long been advice on how to be a good parent. The Old Testament warns us that the son should not be punished for the sins of his parents (Deuteronomy 24:16), but the parents’ sins are often visited upon the children. Think of Neonatal Abstinence Syndrome (NAS). It occurs when babies of drug-addicted mothers are disconnected from their mother’s placenta at birth, resulting in infant irritability, tremors, vomiting, diarrhea, poor feeding, inconsolable crying, and often seizures. These babies need to stay in the newborn ICU for many days, even weeks. In 2016, more than 31,000 infants with NAS were cared for in U.S. hospitals, according to a study done by Vanderbilt University Medical Center. Many of them will never have normal emotional, mental, or physical health.

Contrary to popular belief, many of these mothers aren’t addicted to street drugs, but to pain medicine, tranquilizers, sedatives, or other physician-prescribed medications.

“Although some of these babies are born addicted to heroin or other street drugs, about one-third are born to middle-class women who have become silently addicted to prescription medications for issues such as chronic back pain and depression,” said Cleveland neonatologist Dr. Sabine Iben.

Some sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) like human papillomavirus, a virus that causes genital warts and cancer of the cervix, mouth, throat, and penis, can cause considerable problems for babies. During delivery, an infected woman can transfer the virus to her infant, leading to multiple warts developing in the baby’s throat, trachea, and lungs. Removal of these warts is difficult, often impossible, and breathing may be so compromised that it leads to death.

Likewise, a pregnant mother can give her baby syphilis, which can affect all of the baby’s organs including its heart and brain. In the United States, the number of babies born with syphilis has increased every year since 2013. According to a study done by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2,148 babies were born with congenital syphilis in 2020. Of these, 149 of them were stillbirth or died of syphilis during infancy. All pregnant women need to be tested for syphilis and other STDs early in pregnancy.

Fathers’ Influence

Even before birth, a father’s attitudes and actions are important to his children. A 2021 study from Finland indicates that the father’s prenatal behavior toward the developing baby is predictive of his relationship with the child at 4 months of age. His attitude also foretells the future nature of the father–child relationship.

It’s well known that if a mother is depressed, her children soon become depressed, and when she gets well, so do her children. An 2011 study published by the Journal of Pediatrics found that depressed dads also lead to depressed kids. Consequently, treatment of parental depression in either parent leads to resolving their children’s depression, and early treatment can prevent their kids from developing depression.

Alcoholism is often a problem for both men and women and affects children in many ways. There are several genes that can lead to alcohol addiction; two have been identified, ADH1B and ALDH2.

“Twin studies in the U.S. and Europe suggest that approximately 45–65 percent of the liability [for developing alcoholism] is due to genetic factors,” according to the Nature Reviews Gastroenterology & Hepatology article “Genetics and Alcoholism” by Howard J. Edenberg and Tatiana Foroud.

But remember, having the genes can be overcome just by avoiding alcohol. Alcoholism is a horrid disease and can lead to many physical, emotional, and often financial problems and increases the likelihood of divorce. Alcoholics are more likely to divorce, suffer from spousal abuse, or abuse their spouses and/or kids.

There are many studies that confirm both mom’s and dad’s significant role in transmitting their own disease to their children. But one recent study shows something that most fathers will like to hear. In this study, rough-and-tumble play between father and child was associated with the child developing better working memory, fewer working-memory problems, and higher working-memory ability. This study adds to the growing evidence of the importance of any father–child play or other activity done together in developing memory.

Being a Good Parent

So, back to Alec. I don’t know why Alec’s dad decided to abandon him, but I do know that the following weekend, Alec came in first at the state cross-country meet. For the second time, he was the state champion runner! I met him at the finish line to congratulate him, but before I could shake his hand, he gave me a sweat-drenched hug.

He knew for a moment the feeling of being a son, and I was reminded once again what being a dad is all about. And like most encounters between dads and sons, I think this volunteer dad gained the most.

Thank you, Alec, for sharing that morning with me.

If you know a boy or girl who doesn’t have a “real” dad or mom, be one—if just for a minute. You’ll be surprised at how much you will be appreciated and how good you will feel.

May God continue to bless you and your family.