The Forgotten Virtue: Modesty and Its Gifts

Modesty in behavior and demeanor benefits all, including ourselves

Biba Kajevic

Recently, I went to the pharmacy at our local grocery store, Martin’s, and found my prescription wouldn’t be ready for pick-up for another 30 minutes. I snagged a small cart and got some chicken that was on sale and some bananas, but otherwise roamed around the store looking at my fellow shoppers. Usually, I’m too focused on buying groceries to pay much attention to the people around me, but there I was with some time on my hands.

In the produce section, I passed an elderly man with gray-golden hair to his shoulders and a long drooping mustache, who appeared dressed for an ‘80s rock concert in which he was a member of the band: a loose-flowing, wildly colored shirt and a pair of tight orange pants. Were he to appear at dawn every day on my front porch, I might cut my wake-up consumption of coffee by half.

Lingering in the meat department were four young people, one female wearing a uniform that vaguely resembled that of a police officer, the other three dressed in jeans and T-shirts. Within the 10 seconds it took me to walk out of hearing range, one of the young men casually launched three F-bombs into the conversation.

As for the rest of the patrons, nearly all of them looked as if they’d rolled out of bed—and this was at 5 p.m.—thrown on some clothes they’d dug from the laundry hamper, and headed out of the house. A good number of them displayed tattoos, including one young man whose arms were colored more blue than white.

Here’s the sad part: I was wearing khaki pants and a pull-over shirt, and was one of the best-dressed people in the store. Had Cary Grant walked through the door in one of his favorite suits, he would have left everyone there gobsmacked with amazement.

Anyone looking for modesty in this place would have better luck finding hamburger at 99 cents a pound.

Biba Kajevic

A Mistaken Impression

Mention that word modesty, and most of us, I suspect, think first of women and girls, and then of their attire. Modesty might call to mind some great-aunt, now long dead, who only appeared in public wearing an ankle-length dress and a blouse buttoned to the throat.

But is that really the meaning of modesty? No.

My dictionary offers these two definitions of the word: “The quality or state of being unassuming or moderate in the estimation of one’s abilities;” and “behavior, manner, or appearance intended to avoid impropriety or indecency.”

Let’s tackle the second definition first.

Appearance

None of the shoppers at that store could possibly be accused of indecency in their dress.

Impropriety, however, is another matter altogether.

If we jump back to the dictionary, we find impropriety defined as “a failure to observe standards or show due honesty or modesty; improper language, behavior, or character.” We should note that this definition makes no reference to gender. We can therefore conclude that modesty applies both to males and females.

Most of us recognize the meaning of modest dress in women. In the article “How to Dress Modestly (And Why It Really Matters),” the writer gives readers a good number of pragmatic tips, along with some accompanying lovely photos, on modest attire. Key to her essay is this thought: “When you dress modestly, the focus of your outfit becomes you as a whole instead of one individual part.”

In other words, modesty is a barricade against the objectification of women.

But what about men?

Dr. Jared Staudt’s “Modesty Is for Men Too” offers some great tips. These include “Don’t dress like a bum,” “Don’t go to the opposite extreme and be vain,” and “Stop wearing super tight pants!” This last injunction brought a smile, as my trousers tend to be baggy—and therefore as comfortable as possible.

Behavior and Demeanor

Here modesty becomes intertwined with good manners and consideration for others, particularly in the language we use.

Which of us has not walked down a sidewalk only to hear someone on a phone or in conversation loudly mouthing obscenities? Which of us has not pulled up to a traffic light beside another vehicle where the driver is playing offensive rap music? Even our celebrities, media personalities, and some of our politicians throw out F-bombs and other such words with abandon.

Modesty precludes swearing in public. It’s as simple as that.

It’s All About Me

If we turn to the first definition above, we open the door to another and deeper meaning of modesty.

As many commentators have pointed out, ours is the age of narcissism. Often these pundits aim their remarks at selfishness or self-centeredness, and certainly we can see an obsession with the self these days in all facets of life. Many among us have apparently adopted the attitude of “I’m getting mine, and the devil take the hindmost!” A touch of modesty might ameliorate some of that hubris.

Bedrock Modesty

In her YouTube video “Modesty in the Real World,” Jackie Angel offers this thought: “A lot of times we’re presented with modesty as a bunch of rules, but the truth is it starts with the heart. It’s a disposition of the heart.”

Modesty begins on the inside. And it’s not false humility nor is it the opposite of pride. Overall, it simply means avoiding ostentation, whether in our dress or our behavior. Modest people are secure in their appearance, their actions, and their accomplishments without the need for affectation or to call attention to themselves.

And as it turns out, modesty comes with a great, hidden reward, an unexpected gift. As renowned French fashion designer Coco Chanel once remarked, “Modesty is the highest elegance.”

That elegance can be ours if we want it.