The First Lady of Manners: A Look at Emily Post

Etiquette, extending to almost every facet of life, once served the purpose of treating others with consideration. “The Suitor,” 1938, by Vittorio Reggianini. Oil on canvas. Private collection. Public Domain

Some American books not only are bestsellers, but they may also profoundly influence American culture and society.

Whether they’ve read Mark Twain or not, most Americans are familiar with his novel “Huckleberry Finn.” When President Abraham Lincoln met Harriet Beecher Stowe, author of “Uncle Tom’s Cabin,” he supposedly said, “So you are the little woman who wrote the book that started this great war,” referring to the explosive effect of Stowe’s novel on Northern abolitionism. Though little read today, books written by muckrakers like Ida Tarbell and Upton Sinclair changed national policies regarding such entities as the oil industry and meat-packing companies.

Then there are those books that exert a more subtle influence, tomes with an impact on culture we often overlook. In 1869, sisters Catherine Beecher and Harriet Beecher Stowe published “The American Woman’s Home,” which stressed the importance of household management and included tips on everything from the importance of taking fresh air to raising children to caring for the sick. It became a standard reference in many homes.

A part of good manners was showing respect toward one's elders. An illustration from “Manners, Culture and Dress,” 1892, by Richard A. Wells, A.M.; King, Richardson & Co., Publishers.

Irma Rombauer’s 1931 “Joy of Cooking” has sold millions of copies and remains in print today. Dale Carnegie’s “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” first released in 1936, was read by millions and helped launch the self-help movement. Since its publication in 1946, Doctor Benjamin Spock’s “The Common Sense Book of Baby and Child Care” has also sold millions of copies and influenced generations of parents both in America and abroad.

Among these shapers of culture, we also find Emily Post and her “Etiquette in Society, in Business, in Politics, and at Home.” And this year we celebrate the centennial of this seminal book of manners, a guide that has never gone out of print and has run through 19 editions.

A copy of "Etiquette." It is co-authored by Peggy Post, the great-grandaughter-in-law of Emily Post, and is the 18th edition of the latter's book. Jennifer Schneider/The Epoch Times

The Woman and the Writer

Emily Price (1872–1960) was born into wealth and privilege during the Gilded Age. She was educated at home and afterward attended what was then called a finishing school, which focused on teaching young women about culture and the niceties of polite society. She married a well-to-do banker, Edwin Post, in 1892, with whom she had two sons. In 1905, she divorced Edwin because of his flings with chorus girls and actresses.

Emily Post in 1912, author of "Etiquette in Society, in Business, in Politics, and at Home." Public Domain

Emily then turned to writing to try and generate some income. She wrote novels, newspaper columns, and even an account of a cross-country drive to San Francisco in the days when American roads were still somewhat primitive.

But it was in 1922 with the publication of “Etiquette” that she struck that lode of gold most writers only dream of.

With World War I having wiped away so many traditions and manners along with European courts and kings, perhaps Americans were looking for the direction and stability they found in “Etiquette.” Whatever the case, here was a woman who was upper-class but also witty, wise, and with broad appeal, who believed that all people could benefit by practicing some rules of etiquette, whatever their station in life.

Cover page of "Etiquette in Society, in Business, in Politics, and at Home" by Emily Post (1922). Project Gutenberg

The Book

Post’s friendly and sometimes humorous approach to her readers, her fervor for the importance of manners, and her impeccable style can be found on every page of the first edition of “Etiquette,” which we can read online at Project Gutenberg.

In her Introduction, for example, Post explains that “etiquette” derives from the same word in French. A gardener at the recently constructed palace of Versailles placed etiquettes, or small warning signs, to keep pedestrians from walking on the newly planted grass. When these notices of “etiquette” failed to deter visitors, King Louis XIV issued a command for everyone “to keep within the etiquettes,” a phrase that soon came to apply to behavior at court in general.

Illustration by Adam Pérelle of the Versailles garden area as completed around 1674; people were encouraged to obey the "etiquettes," or little warning signs to keep off the grass. Metropolitan Museum of Art. Public Domain

In her book, Post offered Americans a way to do the same, “to keep within the etiquette,” though she was never dogmatic about manners. She covered all the rules, but she was less concerned about the table manners of a guest than by the host’s duty to make that person feel as welcome and comfortable as possible. As she writes in “Etiquette”: “Best Society is not a fellowship of the wealthy, nor does it seek to exclude those who are not of exalted birth; but it is an association of gentlefolk, of which good form in speech, charm of manner, knowledge of the social amenities, and instinctive consideration for the feelings of others, are the credentials by which society the world over recognizes its chosen members.”

In other words, rich or poor, all who wish to do so can join the “association of gentlefolk.”

Tone and Fashion

An illustration from “Manners, Culture and Dress,” 1892, by Richard A. Wells, A.M.; King, Richardson & Co., Publishers.

What will strike those of us who love the English language is the approachable formality of Post’s prose in “Etiquette,” her lucid diction and her command of English grammar and composition. Some passages from this first edition might strike us as dated, even archaic, yet those starchy sentences reinforce her no-nonsense approach to etiquette. What may amaze some readers is that only a century ago, readers not only made this high-toned book a bestseller but also took its advice to heart.

Post’s style brings to mind a more modern expert on etiquette, Judith Martin, more popularly known as “Miss Manners.” Author of such tomes as “Miss Manners Rescues Civilization” and “Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior,” Martin employs a more formal prose style than many other contemporary writers, a tactic that shores up her advocacy for manners and gives us her often humorous, tart replies to her readers.

The Reason Why

So why practice etiquette at all in this day of “doing your own thing”? What’s the point?

A bow, a courtesy, a tip of the hat, all conveyed respect for the recipient. An illustration from “Manners, Culture and Dress,” 1892, by Richard A. Wells, A.M.; King, Richardson & Co., Publishers.

Both Martin and Post are of the school that we should obey that old commandment—“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”—and that the point of all etiquette is to seek the welfare of those in our company and put them at their ease.

But there’s another reason as well to mind our manners.

In “Etiquette,” Post relates an incident from World War I. She tells us of some French soldiers and some non-French soldiers of the Allied forces being given their rations. The non-French combatants grabbed their food and gobbled it down while on their feet. The French took their food, “improvised a kind of table on the top of a flat rock, and having laid out their rations, including the small quantity of wine that formed part of their repast, sat down in comfort and began their meal amid a chatter of talk.” One of the non-French soldiers wandered over and asked sarcastically, “Why do you fellows make such a lot of fuss over the little bit of grub they give you to eat?” A Frenchman answers him: “Well, we are making war for civilization, are we not? Very well, we are. Therefore, we eat in a civilized way.”

Manners, as the old saying goes, maketh the man. They also make a civilization.

Legacy

In 1946, Emily Post founded the Emily Post Institute, which her descendants still operate today. They offer podcasts and online articles about etiquette, publish books, and arrange workshops and speakers to teach proper manners to business executives and the general public.

Of course, these manners have changed since 1922, but the philosophy behind etiquette remains the same. In the last chapter of “Etiquette,” titled “Growth of Good Taste in America,” Emily Post adds this reminder: “Good taste or bad is revealed in everything we are, do, or have. Our speech, manners, dress, and household goods—and even our friends—are evidences of the propriety of our taste, and all these have been the subject of this book. Rules of etiquette are nothing more than sign-posts by which we are guided to the goal of good taste.”

Letter writing followed certain forms—from greetings with "Dear" to closures like "Sincerely yours." An illustration from “Manners, Culture and Dress,” 1892, by Richard A. Wells, A.M.; King, Richardson & CO Clark Publishing.

Like so many other writers on proper behavior, Post realized that good manners are simply those courtesies we offer to others. Some of the practices common in her day have vanished, predigital antiques that even in the 1920s were fading away, but the philosophy she embraced and advocated remains just as valid today as it did a century ago.

“Nothing is less important than which fork you use,” she once wrote. “Etiquette is the science of living. It embraces everything. It is ethics. It is honor.”

Ethics and honor. That pretty much says everything we need to know about the importance of good manners.