Say No to Hikikomori Lite

A little time and effort with others strengthens the culture and makes us happier

An easy way to improve our lives is to forge relationships with others, being there for the good times as well as when they need us. Fei Meng

In his May 2023 article, “Let’s Stay In,” John Mac Ghlionn begins with the decades-long Japanese phenomenon of hikikomori. He explains that hiki means “to withdraw” and komori “to remain inside.” In Japan, 1.5 million people, many of them young men, have completely removed themselves from society: no dating, no working, no socializing in person.

Mr. Mac Ghlionn then notes that hikikomori is a growing trend in some other countries. Here in the United States, for example, he reports that 60 percent of American men in their 20s are single, and that 50 percent of all unattached males have no interest in dating. Millions, including some women, stay at home, watching television for hours on end, playing video games, and refusing to look for work or make friends.

Nor is this simply a syndrome of youth. Many Americans, Mr. Mac Ghlionn tells us, claim to have no friends whatsoever, and the elderly often suffer physically and mentally from the lack of a social life.

Even worse, these rates of solitude and self-confinement are likely to worsen in years to come. Unless this trend turns around, Mr. Mac Ghlionn warns that “the accelerating atomization of society will result in a collapse of all bonds and lead us into a new, frightening post-political era.”

This widespread absence of traditional human connections is a sad state of affairs. But what about the rest of us? Do we engage in hikikomori in a minor key? In other words, do we go out into the world or work a job without making any attempt to build bridges to others? Do we buy a coffee every morning from the same barista without ever learning her name? Do we work beside a man with no idea of where he grew up or even whether he has children? Do we text our friends and family members, but only rarely phone them or get together for a glass of wine?

These small connections with others can make for a richer tapestry of life, but some people have trouble weaving them together. They’re introverted, or they’re in too much of a hurry, or, more simply, they’re just careless, responding to a “How are you?” from the bank teller with “I need to make a deposit.”

No matter how insignificant, however, these small-scale relationships are one of the wheels that keep the world turning round. They can add to our sense of well-being, and they’re surprisingly easy and even enjoyable to practice.

Here are just a few ways to link up with others.

Smile and make eye contact. You don’t need a face-fracturing grin. Just a natural smile. As for the eye contact, keep it brief and friendly.

Learn and use the names of people you encounter on a regular basis. Shakespeare’s Juliet may wonder “What’s in a name?” but most of us are surely flattered when a mechanic or librarian greets us this way.

Practice small kindnesses. Hold that door open for a daughter pushing her mother in a wheelchair, and you’ll likely be rewarded with a smile. Congratulate a coworker on a job well done, and he may leave the workplace walking on air.

In “Take It from a Bartender,” writer and bartender Haley Hamilton reminds us that these brief interactions come with no strings attached, but can be “worthwhile and downright enjoyable.” She concludes, “Technology has given us a way to talk to strangers from a distance, and while it feels good to see those thumbs up next to your posts and pictures, nothing beats the rush of making a connection IRL. I might get paid to talk to strangers, but I can’t think of a better way to make a living.”

Giving others a small piece of ourselves is also a great way to make a life.