So, Australia’s about to have another federal election, though exactly when, nobody’s sure yet.
It’s like waiting for a plumber who promised to arrive “between 8 and 4,” you’re left hanging around, slightly stressed, hoping it’s soon, but secretly knowing they'll turn up at precisely the most inconvenient moment.
With election fever (well, mild election sniffles) already brewing, our beloved Aussie pollies, yes, Albo and Dutton, I’m eyeballing you, could learn a thing or two from the Americans.
Specifically, from the spin tactics of their recent election, absolute box-office drama, let me tell you.
First, President Donald Trump.
Now, say what you will about him and most of us do, he knows how to work a camera.
Serving cheeseburgers at McDonald’s? Buying a garbage truck? It’s as if he skimmed through PR textbooks looking for the most ludicrous stunts and declared, “Ah, yes! Let’s do ALL of these.”
RFK Jr.—An Authentic Story That Sells
But surprisingly, he wasn’t even the standout. The real spin-king turned out to be RFK Jr. a man so good at PR, he made Gwyneth Paltrow selling expensive candles look positively amateur.RFK Jr.’s secret weapon was, brace yourself, authenticity.
Yes, I know, the word has been so overused it’s practically meaningless (like “artisanal” or “curated” or “self-care”).
But here’s the thing: when RFK Jr. stood up and said he’d spent 19 whole years praying every single day to make America’s children healthy again, I believed him.
Nineteen years! I’ve struggled to keep a daily moisturising routine for longer than a week, and he managed this level of commitment. Hats off.
Admittedly, he did go on a bit about his uncle being President Kennedy, much in the same way that Albo never misses a chance to mention his single-parent house upbringing.
We get it, lads, you’ve faced adversity. Haven’t we all?
Teaming Up With Relevant Influencers
But back to RFK Jr., his campaign moves were textbook-perfect. Whoever his PR person was, they deserve a medal and an expensive spa weekend.He smartly teamed up with influencers who actually matched his brand.
Take surfing legend Kelly Slater, for example. The man’s 50 and still wins world championships; he’s practically a walking billboard for clean living and impossible abs.
Surfing alongside Kelly was the perfect way for RFK Jr. to say, “Hey, look at me, I’m fit, I’m healthy, and I’ve still got it going on!”
Not satisfied with conquering the waves, he went skiing with Olympic gold medalist Shaun White, making sure we all knew about it via glossy, envy-inducing Instagram shots.
The Podcast World For Pollies
But it wasn’t just Instagram antics; he cleverly tapped into the podcast world too.He popped up on shows hosted by the likes of Joe Rogan, who has more listeners than I have chocolate wrappers hidden in my bedside drawer, Russell Brand, Jordan Peterson, and Bari Weiss.
RFK Jr. (like Trump) sidestepped traditional media, going straight to millions who’d stopped paying attention to mainstream news roughly around the time we all discovered TikTok.
And the Silicon Valley set adored him, Elon Musk, Jack Dorsey (of former Twitter fame), and various venture-capital chaps.
One even threw a fundraising dinner where tickets cost $10,000 each! TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS! That’s the price of a very decent handbag, a small European holiday, or approximately five years’ worth of therapy (don’t ask how I know this).
Tucker Carlson on RFK Jr
Even the conservative side couldn’t resist his charms. Tucker Carlson branded RFK Jr. as “breathtakingly courageous,” a compliment so enthusiastic I imagined Tucker needing a brief lie-down afterward.Grassroots Campaigning
But the true brilliance was his grassroots door-knocking campaign.After deciding to go independent, he set about collecting signatures like an Avon lady hunting commission.
His supporters went door-to-door across America, charming disillusioned voters with his promises of less corporate greed, less corruption, and presumably more fresh fruit and yoga.
By the end, they’d gathered a million signatures. One million! I struggle to get six people to sign a birthday card at work.
And where, dear friends, does that leave our homegrown politicians?
Well, frankly, looking a little bit lacklustre.
Albo’s most thrilling recent PR stunt involved sandbags during ex-cyclone Alfred (aka “the mild drizzle with delusions of grandeur”).
And as for Dutton, he showed up to a fundraiser, which I’m certain sent shockwaves through approximately nobody.
Then Albo promised $150 off our electricity bills, presumably hoping we’d forgotten his last election promise of a $275 saving. (Albo, darling, once bitten, twice shy.)
Should Dutton Team Up With Mick Fanning?
Honestly, what can Albo or Dutton offer in comparison?Maybe Dutton could try surfing with Mick Fanning, (at least Mick knows how to punch sharks, which is a useful skill in politics).
Albo might consider a podcast with Hamish and Andy or perhaps a viral TikTok dance routine.
Anything, really, would be better than another sausage sizzle or a slightly awkward public appearance in a hi-vis vest.
So, as our mysterious federal election looms ever nearer, I gently implore our pollies: take notes from RFK Jr. Aim for authenticity, even if you have to fake it convincingly, and find a compelling message.
Or at least consider buying a garbage truck. It worked wonders for Trump, and it would certainly be a conversation starter.
