The subtle art of influence is often lost in the heat of organizational battles. When interaction becomes strained, the gladiators tend to grab for the nearest “organizational” weapons to arm themselves for battle. There are visions of confrontations, documentation, and out-flanking maneuvers. Yes, there are plenty of difficult people out there, but the best leaders are masters at turning even “enemies” into valuable colleagues.
Negative Experience and Distrance
Any early negative experience that you have with a person can create an impression that colors your future relationship. If the first time you meet someone involves conflict or significant disagreement, you may have a hard time changing your evaluation of that person. It doesn’t even take an actual negative experience; you can anticipate one. You can be warned by another individual—“You may want to keep an eye on Joe. He’s always been a handful!”You don’t need a warning; any bias will serve the same purpose. We all have biases created by experiences or past programming. The options are numerous. They are too young, too old, an outsider, an insider, a black, a white, a woman, a man, an accountant, a lawyer, a Christian, a Jew, a Muslim, or how about that psychologist who wrote this ridiculous article!
Once you have or anticipate a negative experience, it’s all too easy to distance ourselves from “those” people. We easily seek out colleagues we enjoy being with and tend to even avoid eating or sitting with our “enemies.”
Scanning for Evidence
Once you have an enemy, we selectively scan for evidence to keep our enemies the enemy. If they look at us the wrong way, we know what they are thinking. It could be indigestion, but we are sure it’s hate. If they do or say anything positive, you are quick to wonder if they are just up to something, and you’re certainly sure that it will never last! Such thoughts just reinforce the need for more distance and the assurance of more difficulties.
Dr. Karl Albrecht, noted management consultant, coach, and author, shared an invaluable insight: “There is an ancient and immutable truth: The ability to sell, explain, persuade, organize, motivate, and lead others still holds first place. Making things happen still requires the ability to make people like you, respect you, listen to you, and want to connect to you. And by connect, I mean connect personally, not digitally. The human connection will always outrank the digital connection as a get-ahead skill.”
The best leaders are network-savvy practitioners who work to get results through cross-functional, and where necessary, global teams built on trust, collaboration, and mutual support. “Who you know” does make a difference. Even more important are the number of people who are glad to know you! That requires making a conscious effort to nurture bonds with all the key people you must work with externally and internally.
Most managers achieve that only with people they enjoy. It’s always easy to go to and build good relationships with the easy, comfortable people in your life. The best leaders go beyond that. They reach out to and nurture relationships with the hard-to-like people and bridge across existing divides to make diversity and coalitions work.
President Abraham Lincoln led America at a time of great division. Even in his attempts to bridge the tensions in his own party, he would work to bring his difficult people closer. His cabinet was described by some as “a team of rivals.” He wanted them close. It is reported that when he came upon two senators talking about a person they did not like, President Lincoln listened and then said, “I don’t like that man. I must get to know him better.” That is the challenge every great leader faces—how do I win over all the people I must have on my team in order to succeed?
Build the Bridge
Such efforts take time. With strained relationships, you can never expect early attempts to build bridges to be received well. Consider what you’d be thinking if someone you disliked tried to build a bridge to you. If you owed $10,000, few banks would be overjoyed to receive your first $100 debt payment. It takes a history of positive contact, involvement, and visibility to build your “trust account” in a previously polarized relationship. Most of us are willing to “try” being positive, but few of us persist in building a consistent trust history.Speaker and author Harvey Mackay loves pointing to a political leader that knew how to bridge across the political divide: “It was said that Lyndon Johnson kept two jars on his desk, labeled FAVORS DUE and FAVORS OWED. He saw to it that the FAVORS DUE jar was always twice as full.” Even having twice as many positive bridges may not be enough.
Ken Blanchard would suggest that to be perceived as a positive leader, you needed a four-to-one positive to negative experience ratio to build a productive business relationship. You may easily get that ratio with people you like. You have to work to get that kind of relationship with your difficult people. The best leaders do!
Whoever you bridge to, there should be a naturalness and authenticity to your efforts. Don’t play games; look for authentic ways to build your positive connections. The following suggestions by no means exhaust the possibilities, but they will give you an idea of the breadth of the options available to you for bridge building up, down, and across the organization.
Newt Hardie, speaker and consultant, suggests, “Our role as leaders is not to catch people doing things wrong but to create an environment in which people can become heroes.” In that same spirit, don’t be afraid to take more than your share of the blame. After all, the best leaders take more than their share of the blame and less than their share of the credit.
Take time to sit next to your “enemies” at meetings and try a little small talk. Even enemies need victories—even if small ones. Let them have their way where it counts for them and costs you little. Know how to keep it light by being ready to laugh at yourself before they do. Find any common ground and build on it in future interactions.
Try building a history of promising and delivering on your promises. You’re building a trust account when you promise and deliver. It also forces even the most difficult people to take notice of your attempts to change. Finally, listening creates listeners. Listen first to understand their perspective before you ever expect them to understand you and your positions.
When do you stop trying to build positive bridges? When they leave, die, or are no longer necessary for you to work with to do your job. Always invest 10 percent of your time in bridge building, and you will find that others soon are more likely to listen to you and your needs. Cooperation is earned on and off the job.
With strong bridge-building efforts, you can be optimistic about influencing even the most difficult people but be ready to explore other options if key people in your world refuse to turn around. Even if not effective with every person, your bridge building efforts will help you expand career options inside and outside the organization. By building more positive relationships, new doors will open that often allow a positive career move. After all, some difficult people will not change. You deserve to enjoy your work and those you work with. Don’t be afraid to find another game to play in. Life is too short to be stuck working with people you don’t enjoy. Now, welcome to the challenge of turning your “enemies” into colleagues you appreciate.
