Gary Chapman, marriage counselor, associate pastor, and author of the best-selling book “The 5 Love Languages,” loves to hear stories of people finding their other half in their later years. In Mr. Chapman’s experience, the euphoria of falling in love can happen at any stage of adult life, and some of the most touching stories he’s heard are of older couples finding love. “How it happens, where it happens, is different for each couple,” Mr. Chapman said, “but I do know that they all have the same basic excited feelings of falling in love that happen to people in their 20s.”
Agree on a Plan for Finances
“People feel strongly about money,” said Mr. Chapman. Each person will bring assets and individual patterns of spending and borrowing to a relationship, and each couple will need to discuss whether to join those assets or keep them separate, and how to handle expenses such as taking a trip together. “There are lots of ways people can handle these questions, but they will save themselves a lot of pain if they have some agreement,” Mr. Chapman advised.Financial issues become compounded when there are adult children who might be asking themselves, “So now you’re marrying this person—what is this going to mean for us?” Mr. Chapman recommends couples marrying later in life to give their children time to discuss and work through the change together.
Don’t Ignore Emotional Baggage
Knowing each other’s past journeys will help a newly formed couple prepare for a future together. “How many times has this person been divorced? That’s a good clue!” Mr. Chapman joked.Identify and Negotiate Boundaries
Older people are naturally less adaptable than younger people, so it’s important to have open discussions about established lifestyle patterns and habits. Is one person a morning person, and the other a night owl? “Or, if she always goes to her women’s group on Wednesday nights and wants to continue to do that, but he wants her to do something of particular importance to him on those nights, how will they negotiate that?” Mr. Chapman said. “When you’re alone, you fill up your day with something. “When you get married, things will change. You’ll have problems having a sense of unity if you ignore those things.”Be Open and Realistic About Health Concerns
“We don’t usually think about disability when we’re just getting married,” Mr. Chapman said, but it’s a harsh reality for relationships that begin later in life. If marriage is understood as a covenant, in sickness and in health, he says, then older couples need to be realistic about the amount of time they may have together, both existing health problems and ones that may develop, and how they will rise to meet such situations.A recent caller on Mr. Chapman’s radio show expressed distress about the condition of his wife, who had become paralyzed. “I am traumatized; I don’t know how to carry on. Do I need to look for a new wife?” he asked. Mr. Chapman reminded him gently that his wife still needs him to visit her, hold her hand, speak to her, and make eye contact with her. “You don’t need a new wife,” he said, “but you need support and community.”
Learn to Speak Each Other’s Love Languages
The five love languages, according to Mr. Chapman, are five categories that people understand as expressions of love: quality time, acts of service, gifts, words of affirmation, and physical touch. Your primary love language—that is, the language you most easily understand—“tends to stay with you throughout life,” said Mr. Chapman, comparing it to other personality traits such as introversion. (You can take the 5 Love Languages quiz at the back of Mr. Chapman’s book or at 5LoveLanguages.com.)Spouses may have different primary love languages. Mr. Chapman recalled a woman who told him that she felt no love coming from her husband, while her frustrated husband, in turn, said that he did not understand her: He spent his life doing tasks to make her life easier. “Yes, he works hard,” said the wife. “But we never talk! He’s always out mowing the grass or making supper!”
For couples of any age, Mr. Chapman recommends discovering each other’s love language and speaking it regularly. When the euphoria of falling in love wears off—typically within two years, he says—the couple already has a good practice of communicating love.
Rekindle Love at Any Age
“Marriages are either growing or regressing. They’re never standing still.” Mr. Chapman said.An important practice in a healthy relationship is acknowledging and apologizing for failures. Mr. Chapman uses the analogy of a roadblock to explain what happens if we don’t: “If we don’t apologize, every time we hurt our spouse it creates an emotional block and it sits there. When there’s another altercation, walls build between us.”
He advises couples of all ages to “be intentional in the way they love their spouse.” A simple way to tend love’s flame is to “check in with them every two or three weeks and ask, ‘What can I do to be a better husband or wife?’” Mr. Chapman said.
“Love is an attitude: I want to enrich your life.”
