Indianapolis Colts offensive tackle Braden Smith detailed his battle with OCD that cost him the end of his 2024 season.
The disorder was so bad that he fought bouts of suicidal ideation and was forced to seek psychiatric help.
“There’s the actual, real, true, living God,” Smith said. “And then there’s my OCD god, and the OCD god is this condemning (deity). It’s like every wrong move you make, it’s like smacking the ruler against his hand. ‘Another bad move like that and you’re out of here.’”
The disorder had profound effects on the playing field, said Smith. “My OCD latches onto critical moments,” Smith said. “If I had these thoughts, like, during a game, like, I’m not going to be able to do my compulsions, and it’s going to feel really real. That stress continually built up.” Team meetings and film study were particularly difficult because he was in a darkened room without a chance to talk. Road trips also presented difficulties.
After the Colts’ Week 1 win against the Chicago Bears, Smith told his wife, Courtney, that he planned to retire if his condition did not improve. He started seeing a psychologist and was diagnosed with conventional OCD. Courtney Smith noted that he had previously exhibited compulsive tendencies regarding his personal schedule—though they were not recognized as such. The psychologist said Smith’s OCD dated back to at least the third grade.
His family and the Colts made extensive efforts to help Smith, but his condition steadily worsened to the point where Courtney felt uneasy leaving him alone with his son.
Smith said at one point he even suffered from suicidal ideation. “I (felt like) was a month away from putting a bullet through my brain,” he said.
Smith checked himself into a mental health clinic in Colorado in November to be treated with therapy, ketamine, and transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS). But Smith’s progress was slow, and his planned four-week stay turned into nearly seven weeks.
Smith’s last resort was treatment with ibogaine, a psychoactive drug derived from the iboga plant. While research is currently underway on the efficacy of ibogaine as a treatment for opioid addiction and PTSD, it is currently illegal in the United States, so Smith went to a treatment facility in Mexico to receive treatment. Smith said he experienced some psychedelic effects, but the drug “legitimately resets your brain.” He experienced some severe depression the next day, called the “gray day.”
The following day, he was given 5-MeO-DMT, another psychedelic. This time, he had a religious experience that he compared to an exorcism, and came out feeling closer to God than he had in the past.
Upon returning home, Smith restarted intensive OCD-specific therapy sessions, and both he and his wife say his condition has improved significantly.
“I still have OCD, but it doesn’t have a hold over me,” Smith said. “It doesn’t dictate my life.”
