Should Versus Want: Freeing Yourself From the ‘Shoulding’ Habit

When we are honest about our deeper values, we can turn feelings of obligation into meaningful sacrifices

We all need to do things we would rather not. But rather than lament these seeming impositions, we can reflect on the deeper values that generate our true wish.Nicoleta Ionescu/Shutterstock

Have you ever noticed how much of your life is driven and dictated by the word (and feeling) of should? Most of us devote an inordinate amount of time and energy to doing and being what we think we should do and be. At the same time, we spend a surprisingly small amount of attention on what we actually want. The result is that we end up drained and exhausted, disconnected from our essential source of energy, authenticity, and vitality.

Of course, should is an important sentiment; we need shoulds in our life to function as human beings. We have to do certain things we don’t want to do—to stay alive, participate in society, hold a job, take care of our family, stay out of jail, maintain successful relationships, and essentially, create a life we might want.