When Apple launched the first iPhone smartphone in 2007, it was hailed as a new way to improve our communications with others, helping us to be “more connected.” Unfortunately, over the past 15 years, the inverse has been true—the smartphone has made us more disconnected, resulting in an increasingly isolated and divisive society.
In the report, the IFS stated that 1 in 7 parents of teens say they use their phones or other digital devices “almost constantly” during conversations, meals, or family events. Instead of engaging with one’s spouse or children, they’re burying their heads in their screens and not interacting with the most important people in their lives—with devastating consequences.
The IFS report quotes therapist Andrew Sofin, who said: “Smartphones have caused more upheaval than anything I have seen in my career. We’ve normalized them being intrusive and taking precedence when people are lying in bed, playing Wordle or scrolling through TikTok rather than talking with each other.”
And as a result, spouses are getting increasingly frustrated with each other, as they spend more time looking at a screen than at each other.
In a recent survey, the IFS found that 37 percent of married Americans say that when they want to interact with their spouse, they’re likely to find them either on the phone, scrolling the internet, or playing a game on their device. The problem is even worse with lower-income and younger couples. Forty-four percent of married adults younger than the age of 35 believe that their spouse is on the phone too much—10 percentage points more than couples older than the age of 35.
And it shouldn’t be a surprise that the lack of verbal and emotional connection to a spouse negatively affects the marital relationship—as couples who engage in excessive phone use are less satisfied with their marriages than those who limit their screen time.
According to the IFS, only about 6 in 10 married adults whose spouse is often on the phone are “very happy” with their marriage, and 21 percent say they’re unhappy about the state of their marital relationship. In contrast, 81 percent who limit their phone use say they’re very happy, and only 8 percent say they’re unhappy.
Most alarmingly, 26 percent of those who report excessive phone use think their marriage could end in divorce in the near or distant future—all thanks to a small handheld device that was supposed to bring us together rather than pull us apart.
The bottom line? Marriages and families thrive when there’s ongoing, engaged conversation with each other. That interaction is the “water” that nourishes and grows these relationships. When that interaction doesn’t occur, marriages and families, like parched plants, start to wither and die.
The IFS recommended, and I concur, that young couples starting out in marriage—individuals who started using smartphones as children—set up boundaries before they’re married on phone usage. If the smartphone continues to be a distraction—especially given its addictive nature—perhaps one needs to go “cold turkey” and get rid of the phone or replace it with the old-fashioned “flip phone” that does no more than make calls and send texts—the basic functions which, prior to 2007, cellphones were used for.
Perhaps it’s time for married couples to come to this same realization and put away their phones before it’s too late—for their spouse, their children, and themselves. That’s what will build the connections we all need—in our marriages, our parenting and, indeed, in our society.
