Any description of human behavior should have something to say about the complicated relationship we have with our emotions.
I’m someone who longs to be rational and well-reasoned in most of what I do, but upon reflection, I can see how frequently my life is, instead, steered by emotion. This shouldn’t come as a surprise: Decades of research, synthesized in a
research article published in the Public Administration Review, have concluded that human decision-making is complex and not easily explained by a single model.
Those two forces—rationality and emotion—seem to cooperate and compete inside me. What’s to be done when one of them throws my whole being out of balance?
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There are, for example, stretches of life when I’m happily pursuing my goals and all of a sudden I’m incapacitated by self-doubt.
Just a single thought, criticism, or struggle can cause my clearly thought out plans to become tangled and covered in a fog of doubt.
I’ve watched people I love struggle through the same. What follows are my thoughts to share with those going through such a phase. Food for thought, from one traveler to another.
Tips for Seasons of Uncertainty
Pause to see the bigger picture. When strong emotions shake my heart, I like to remind myself that my feelings are likely out of proportion to reality. Emotions, even when they’re speaking some truth, are amplifying a message. This is how they get our attention.As important as it is to take heed, it’s wise to pause and consider how this message fits in with everything else you know to be true. Be careful not to throw the proverbial baby out with the bathwater—things are rarely as bad as they feel.
Talk with a friend you trust. A friend who really knows you can help you find a fresh point of view. Pour out your feelings, and ask him or her to help you sort through your doubts from a less emotional angle. A trusted friend can also advise you on any doubts that should be heeded and help broaden your perspective.
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Reevaluate what you want. While our doubts can grow out of proportion, they can also point to something true and wise that your rational brain has been ignoring. In times of deep self-doubt, it’s often wise to stay the course until a cooler mind prevails, but don’t miss the opportunity to see if you’re heading down the wrong path.
Maybe you’re doing something because you think you “should” be doing it, and the result is that your actions and values aren’t in alignment. Your emotions can sometimes alert you to these tensions before your reason arrives at the same conclusion.
Make a small bit of progress. While experiencing emotional turmoil, it’s easy to let go of everything else and live in your head. One thing I’ve learned from my wife is that in the midst of our feelings of inadequacy, it can be emotionally healing to simply make progress—especially in an area where you feel competent. This gently restores our “internal locus of control” and the feeling that we can shape our life and our environment.
Play the long game. There’s a temptation in the midst of self-doubt to grasp for quick solutions—anything to relieve the feeling of inadequacy. But often, if there’s any truth to our doubts, the solution will require a long-term fix. In these moments, I like to ask myself who I want to be in three, five, or 10 years and what it would take to move me in that direction.
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Write down your thoughts. One of the greatest challenges of managing our emotional thoughts is their tendency to get stuck in a loop in our brain. These perceptions, like self-doubt, tend to be strong but vague. They make a powerful impression, but when spoken out loud, they don’t always carry the same force. I’ve often found that writing out my thoughts is a good way to tame my emotions and transform them into something more helpful.
To experience the tension between our rational and emotional selves isn’t a flaw to overcome, but is, in fact, at the very heart of being human.
Rationality grounds us in reality and sound decision-making, but emotions add richness and meaning to our lives. Neither is an aspect to be ashamed of; rather, we should strive to better understand, appreciate, and ultimately harness them for the good life that we seek.
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