How to Help a Hurting Loved One

With the right strategies, you can be a reliable shoulder to lean on.

A caring and supportive relationship is a vital connection to the outside world. PeopleImages/iStock/Getty Images

It’s been more than 50 years since songwriter Bill Withers released a catchy tune called “Lean on Me.” That song, ranked among Billboard’s list of all-time bests, has been covered by several other artists since then and continues to be featured in movies, TV shows, and ads all these years later.

The secret of that song’s particular genius and popularity is not so secret: Everyone wants and needs someone to lean on—someone to cry with, someone who will listen, someone who will genuinely care—especially during tough times. If you were going through a rough patch, surely you would want someone to say (or sing) to you:

Lean on me, when you’re not strong

And I’ll be your friend

I’ll help you carry on

For it won’t be long

‘Till I’m gonna need

Somebody to lean on.

Life is full of challenges, and everyone, at some point, goes through difficult times. Whether it’s the death of someone dear, a relationship breakup, job loss, financial calamity, or any other significant stressor, these experiences can be profoundly painful and isolating. During such times, the presence of close relationships and social support becomes crucial. Offering this support is vitally important, as it plays an essential role in emotional healing and overall well-being.

When someone you care about is hurting, it can be hard to know how to help. Pain—whether physical, emotional, or psychological—can isolate individuals and leave them feeling misunderstood and alone. As someone close to a distressed person, you have the ability to provide support, comfort, and guidance.

Having someone to lean on is critical to getting through a difficult time. PIKSEL/iStock/Getty Images

Drawing Strength Through Support

One of the most valuable aspects of social support is the emotional validation it provides. When someone is going through a painful time, they often feel misunderstood, isolated, or even ashamed of their emotions. Having a supportive friend allows them to express their feelings openly without fear of judgment. This validation is crucial for emotional healing, as it helps the person feel heard and seen.

Close friends who have been through similar experiences can offer empathy and understanding that others might not be able to provide. This shared understanding can create a deep connection and provide comfort during difficult times.

This kind of support bolsters a hurting person’s emotional stability and mental health. In one study by McGill University, researchers found that people who experienced robust levels of social support experienced 47 percent less severe depression and 22 percent less anxiety than those lacking strong social support. The team also found that those who reported higher levels of perceived social support were at a 40 percent decreased risk of experiencing suicidal ideation and attempts.

Support from someone close also increases a person’s resilience and the ability to bounce back from hardship. Researchers reporting in the journal Psychiatry stated: “Social support is exceptionally important for maintaining good physical and mental health. ... Positive social support of high quality can enhance resilience to stress, help protect against developing trauma-related psychopathology, decrease the functional consequences of trauma-induced disorders, such as posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and reduce medical morbidity and mortality.”

A good social support system can help you become more resilient to stress. skynesher/Getty Images

A caring and supportive relationship provides a vital connection to the outside world. Friends help bridge the gap between isolation and social engagement, offering a lifeline when someone feels alone. That’s significant because painful experiences can be incredibly isolating. People often withdraw from social interactions when they’re hurting, either because they don’t want to burden others or because they feel like no one understands what they’re going through. However, this isolation can intensify feelings of loneliness and despair.

If you want to demonstrate care and concern for a hurting loved one, decide that you’ll be the one to lean on. Whatever the source of the person’s pain, you can provide support and encouragement. Here’s how:

Be There

Sometimes, we genuinely want to help someone who’s struggling, but we feel awkward and inadequate. We’re afraid our words will come across as trite or shallow, so we don’t say anything. But just being there—present, available, reliable—is often the greatest gift we can offer. Being physically present, even if you don’t say anything, powerfully demonstrates that you care.

Offer Encouragement at Every Opportunity

When it comes time to use words to express your support, don’t worry about saying something profound or poetic. Just speak from the heart, mostly assuring the person that you care: “I won’t pretend to know exactly how you feel, but I want you to know that I’m here, and you can count on me.” Every person on earth needs encouragement, and those who are hurting need it all the more.

Believe the Best

Optimism is infectious. No matter what the struggle your loved one is enduring, you can convey the attitude that there is always hope. This doesn’t mean trotting out clichés (“Every dark cloud has a silver lining”), which typically don’t do much to cheer someone up. But your own optimistic attitude and belief in the ability to overcome can lift the person’s spirit. You can instill courage with simple yet heartfelt words such as, “I believe in you, and I know you’re going to make it through this.”

Show Support in Tangible Ways

Some of the most potent expressions of support fall under the heading of “actions speak louder than words.” For your struggling loved one, bake a batch of cookies, drop off a meal, run errands, pick up medications at the pharmacy, get the car washed, arrange for a housecleaner, or send a gift card to a favorite restaurant. A small, tangible gesture can have a big impact during hard times.

Baking together can be a fun activity to relieve stress. PeopleImages.com - Yuri A/Shutterstock

Be a Listener, not an Advice-Giver

One of the most vital ways to provide support is to listen, listen, listen. Be fully attentive, and encourage the other person to talk as much as he or she needs to. When the person tells you about a big setback at work or a house foreclosure, chances are he or she is not asking you how to solve the problem. What the person wants is to process emotions and explore concerns by verbalizing them. What most people want is understanding, compassion, and empathy—not advice.

Active listening is more than just hearing the words; it involves being fully present in the conversation. Here’s how you can do it:

Maintain eye contact. Show that you are engaged and interested in what they are saying.

Acknowledge the person’s feelings. Use phrases such as “That sounds really tough” or “I can see why you feel that way.”

Avoid interrupting. Let them express themselves fully before offering your thoughts or advice.

Don’t minimize their pain. Avoid saying things such as “It could be worse” or “You’ll get over it.” These statements, though well-intentioned, can make them feel like their pain is being dismissed.

Encourage Healthy Coping Mechanisms

While you can’t take away the other person’s pain, you can encourage your loved one to engage in activities that may help them cope. Suggest activities that promote relaxation, joy, or a sense of accomplishment, such as:

Exercise. Physical activity can be a powerful mood booster, even if it’s just a short walk.

Creative expression. Encourage them to express themselves through art, writing, music, or any other creative activity.

Mindfulness and relaxation techniques. Practices such as meditation, deep breathing exercises, or yoga can help manage stress.

Social interaction. Encourage them to spend time with friends or family, even if it’s just a quick chat or coffee date.

Exercise and meditation also promote relaxation. Maskot/Getty Images

Steer the Person Toward Professional Help If Needed

There are times when professional help is necessary, especially if your loved one is experiencing severe emotional distress, depression, anxiety, or trauma. Encourage your loved one to seek help from a therapist, counselor, or doctor. You can offer to help them find a professional, accompany them to appointments, or support them in following through with treatment.

If your loved one is hesitant about seeking help, remind them that seeking professional support is a sign of strength, not weakness. Sometimes, hearing this from someone they trust can make a significant difference.