At the mental health clinic I direct, I frequently hear comments like these:
“My 16-year-old daughter has had a miserable time in middle school and high school, full of bullying, school failures, and sports embarrassments. Her self-esteem is at rock bottom. What can I do to help?”
“My wife went to work in an office that turned out to have a ‘mean girls’ culture—tons of gossip, backstabbing, and harassment. She was so excited to land that job, but it’s been a nightmare. Two years later, her self-confidence and pride have been squashed.”
“When my 68-year-old dad got pushed out of his CEO position after 18 years, he lost his purpose in life. And he lost his belief in himself.”
Self-esteem plays a crucial role in mental health and overall well-being. Feeling positive about ourselves boosts our life enjoyment and effectiveness in countless ways. After analyzing numerous studies, researchers reporting in American Psychologist concluded, “A voluminous body of research has shown that high self-esteem helps individuals adapt to and succeed in a variety of life domains, including having more satisfying relationships, performing better at school and work, enjoying improved mental and physical health, and refraining from antisocial behavior.”
Not surprisingly, low self-esteem can lead to a host of problems:
- A 2019 study involving secondary school children found that low self-esteem was associated with an increased risk of anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts.
- A 2021 clinical trial found that low self-compassion and low self-esteem strongly correlated with social anxiety.
- A 2022 research review found that people with low self-esteem were more likely to have low school or work performance, poor mental or physical health, more anti-social behavior, and unhealthy social relationships compared to people with high self-esteem.
The Roots of Low Self-Esteem
People with low self-esteem struggle with negative self-perceptions, self-doubt, and a persistent belief that they are not good enough. These feelings can stem from a wide variety of sources and experiences, and recognizing the underlying factors is crucial for offering support. The most prevalent causes of low self-esteem include:1. Parental influence. One of the most significant factors influencing self-esteem is the relationship with parents during childhood. Parents who are overly critical, neglectful, or abusive can instill feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness in their children. On the other hand, parents who provide unconditional love, support, and positive reinforcement foster healthy self-esteem. The way parents react to their child’s successes and failures can strongly affect the child’s self-perception.
2. Traumatic past experiences. Physical, emotional, or sexual abuse during childhood can severely damage self-esteem. Abuse teaches children that they are unworthy of love and respect, leading to deep-seated feelings of shame and self-blame. Neglect, where a child’s basic emotional and physical needs are not met, has similar effects, leaving children feeling invisible and unimportant. The long-term impact of abuse and neglect often persists into adulthood, making it challenging for people to develop a positive self-image.
3. Peer relationships. The influence of peers becomes particularly strong during adolescence, a critical period for self-esteem development. Positive peer relationships can boost self-esteem, while negative interactions, such as bullying or exclusion, have the opposite effect. Adolescents who experience social rejection or bullying may internalize negative messages from their peers, leading to diminished self-worth.
4. Media and cultural influences. The media plays a powerful role in shaping self-esteem, especially through the portrayal of idealized body images and lifestyles. Constant exposure to unrealistic standards of beauty, success, and happiness creates a sense of inadequacy and dissatisfaction. Social media platforms in particular intensify these feelings by fostering a culture of comparison and validation through likes and comments. The pressure to present a perfect image online can lead to anxiety and a diminished sense of self-worth when a person’s reality does not match these curated images.
5. Negative self-talk. This involves a critical and harsh inner dialogue that reinforces feelings of inadequacy and failure. Common patterns of negative self-talk include catastrophizing, overgeneralizing, and personalizing negative events. An individual might think, “I always mess things up” or “Everyone must think I’m a loser.” These thought patterns can become deeply ingrained, perpetuating low self-esteem.
6. Perfectionism. Individuals who set unrealistically high standards for themselves and strive for flawless performance often experience chronic dissatisfaction and self-criticism. The constant pressure to meet impossible standards leads to feelings of failure and inadequacy, even when accomplishments are significant. Perfectionists tend to focus on their perceived shortcomings rather than their achievements.
7. Socioeconomic status. Individuals from lower socioeconomic backgrounds may face additional stressors such as financial instability, limited access to education and health care, and social stigma. Conversely, individuals from higher socioeconomic backgrounds may experience pressure to maintain a certain status or live up to expectations, which can also impact self-esteem.
Strategies for Building Self-Esteem
Improving self-esteem is a gradual process, but with consistent support and encouragement, lasting changes can be achieved. Here are practical ways you can help:1. Offer positive reinforcement. Regularly acknowledge the person’s strengths, efforts, and achievements, no matter how small. Statements such as, “I’m proud of you” or “You handled that situation really well” can help counteract negative self-talk. Be specific in your praise to make it more impactful, such as, “Your presentation was clear and engaging. And you were so poised.”
2. Emphasize healthy relationships. The people in our lives hold up a mirror to us, showing us who we are and reflecting the image we see of ourselves. That’s why we need to surround ourselves with positive, affirming people. Encourage your loved one to spend time with people who are supportive, positive, and uplifting. Suggest activities that involve interacting with positive influences, such as joining clubs, attending social events, or participating in community groups.
3. Suggest the development of natural talents. This might involve taking a class, learning a new hobby, or pursuing professional development opportunities. Acquiring new skills provides a sense of competence and pride. Pursuing new skills and achieving personal goals enhances self-esteem by providing a sense of competence and mastery. It’s important to set realistic and attainable goals to ensure a sense of accomplishment and avoid feelings of failure.
4. Listen actively. One of the most powerful ways to support someone with low self-esteem is to listen closely without judgment. Allow them to express their feelings and thoughts freely. Active listening involves showing empathy, nodding, and providing affirming responses like “I understand” or “That sounds really tough.” Knowing they have a safe space to share their thoughts can significantly boost their confidence and trust.
5. Challenge negative thoughts. For all of us, an inner voice aggressively seeks to remind us of our faults, failures, and unfortunate experiences. But we control the on/off switch for that voice. Reject self-inflicted verbal beatings, and replace them with positive affirmations. Show your loved one how to recognize and challenge negative thought patterns. If they think “I always fail,” encourage them to reframe the thought to something more balanced such as, “Sometimes things don’t go as planned, but I also have many successes.”
6. Encourage practicing gratitude. Simply put, gratitude fosters optimism, which strengthens hope. That’s why it’s hard to imagine more effective medicine for the soul and psyche than gratitude. The list of things we can and should be thankful for, even in our lowest moments, is practically inexhaustible. Suggest that your loved one keep a gratitude journal. Writing down positive aspects of their life can shift their perspective and help neutralize negative thinking.
7. Leverage laughter. The ability to laugh, genuinely and frequently, has a remarkable ability to boost low self-esteem by fostering a positive mindset and enhancing social connections. When we laugh, our bodies release endorphins, the “feel-good” hormones that naturally elevate our mood and reduce stress. This chemical shift helps to counteract the negative emotions associated with low self-esteem, such as sadness and anxiety. Laughter also plays a crucial role in social bonding. Sharing a laugh with others strengthens relationships and fosters a sense of belonging and acceptance.
8. Recommend professional guidance. Therapists can provide tools and strategies tailored to address self-esteem issues. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and other therapeutic approaches can help the person develop healthier thought patterns and improve self-worth. Through therapy, individuals can develop healthier ways of thinking and improve their self-perception. Other therapeutic approaches can help individuals explore and resolve underlying emotional conflicts.
