China has declared war on pollution. The Chinese regime is pumping $277 billion dollars into coming up with solutions for the smog problem. Along with, you know, all the coal they’re pumping into the atmosphere.
And there are some crazy ideas about how to solve China’s smog problem. So many that I had to make a second list. So if banning barbecues and attaching sprinklers to the tops of skyscrapers seemed like insane solutions, wait till you see these next 10.
Number 10: Canned Air
Sometimes, life imitates art. Spaceballs is art, right? Well, as far out as that sounds, one crazy Chinese millionaire actually did it. The same guy who tried to buy the New York Times. And lied to a room full of homeless people. And sang karaoke to a room of journalists. Ugh, who’s going to solve that noise pollution?
Number 9: Ventilation Corridors
Beijing sure has some tall buildings that can block airflow and let smog linger. And so somehow, in an already-built city, the Chinese regime plans to create ventilation corridors to blow the smog out. There will be five large corridors, each over 1600 feet wide. Wondering how they’re going to do that? Me too! Fortunately, they’ve given no time frame for the project. I wonder how the smog and hot air will mix?
Number 8: Blame green technology
How dare you, a foreigner, criticize China for its pollution! Because as the director of the Anhui Provincial Environmental Protection Authority, said “China is a big exporter and many foreigners have been benefiting from China’s green products. However, the pollution incurred during the production process are left in China.” If China weren’t making so much green technology, there would be no pollution! Other than what comes from burning almost as much coal as the rest of the world combined.
Gotta love the ideas Chinese officials come up with. Like Party official from Yunnan who suggested China should punish this insult by foreign countries by using “dams to store water so that it won’t all flow to other countries and be wasted.”
Number 7: Toss it into your neighbor’s yard
If burning tons of coal in Beijing is causing all this smog, the solution is simple—burn less coal...in Beijing. That’s where coal by wire comes in. It means “turning coal into electricity and transmitting it directly from the mine where it is produced, instead of transporting it to power stations and then to consumption centers.”
In other words, build your water-guzzling, disgusting coal plants in faraway places like Inner Mongolia and Xinjiang where people are poor and there’s hardly any water. And then send the energy over thousands of miles to the major cities.
It’s worked so well, that “there has been a 23 per cent improvement in the Beijing-Tianjin-Hebei area.” And Xinjiang, where the Uighur minorities live, is now home to “six of the ten most polluted cities in China.”
Number 6: Cloud Seeding
Simply wash away your pollution. “It has become a tradition in Beijing to seed the clouds before public holidays...to make rain, disperse pollution and ensure clear skies on the day.
It’s one of the tricks they used for the Olympics! Silver Iodide is shot into the sky, and it helps creates ice crystals. Those melt and the pollution comes down with the rain. Worried what liquified pollution might do to you? I'd worry more about the silver iodide. It’s toxic.
Number 5: Give up
That’s right, give up. The pollution is here to stay. But, when trouble comes along, why not take a cue from the wiley ostrich. Only instead of burying your head in the sand, wrap it in a bubble! Then the pollution can’t get to you. China is considering biodomes.
What I like best about this idea is it will be absurdly expensive. So the rich will get to breath clean biodome air, while the rest of us can enjoy being out in the pollution. And yes, this is how bad China’s pollution has gotten. China’s elite are seriously considering living in bubbles, even at the risk of living out that terrible Pauly Shore movie.
Number 4: Allow me to break the ice
What if you could treat pollution particles like this? Simply fill the skies with liquid nitrogen, freeze the pollution, and let gravity do the rest. Because what could go wrong with spraying industrial coolants into the air? And don’t worry, creating a rain of pollutants is perfectly safe. Probably. Maybe. Ok, there’s nothing to back that up.
Number 3: Red Alert
When China issued two pollution red alerts just a week apart, they knew something had to be done. So they raised the threshold for red alerts. And there hasn’t been one since.
Number 2: Floating Jellyfish
Check out this idea. Oh, sorry, that’s the Matrix. I should have known.
This is the idea. Giant, hydrogen filled jellyfish floating in the skies. Because floating sacs of hydrogen always work so well.
In this actual plan submitted as part of a competition, pollution would be absorbed through the head of the jellyfish, sent down to the plant tubes, and turned into drinkable water.
Huh, I wonder if they ever thought of maybe...not burning so much coal as a solution. I’m just, throwing that out there. I’m no scientist. But maybe that would make more sense than giant floating jellyfish! Maybe that’s number 1?
Number 1: Change the face of the planet
Oh are you serious?! I kid you not, they have tried leveling mountains to clear out pollution. They got about halfway before they gave up. And it made no difference in air quality. That was in 1997. And they’re still trying it.
But have they done anything to actually cut back on coal? They have...released statistics that show coal consumption is dropping. But can we trust that? Well, last year, it was discovered that China had been “under-reporting its consumption for years, after a different set of statistics were revised, with the figure for 2012 alone going up 17%.” Statistics with Chinese characteristics.
And according to the World Resources Institute, in 2012, the Chinese regime planned to make 363 new coal fired plants, which “amounts to an almost 75 percent increase in coal-fired generating capacity.”
Yes, the Chinese Communist party would rather level mountains, or fill the skies with toxic chemicals or giant floating jellyfish, than cut back on coal power.
What do you think about that? Leave your comments below.
