There’s so much “heavy” stuff—China, Russia, the economy, the cynical politics of climate change, etc.—to think about these days, but let’s never lose sight of the sunnier side of life. And what could be sunnier than love? So I’m going to share some stories appropriate for Valentine’s Day.
One shining reminder of the beauty of lasting love is the occasion of golden wedding anniversaries. Many of us have known several or more couples who have enjoyed more than 50 years of marriage. Happy Valentine’s Day to any of you who have reached such a milestone.
A much less frequent phenomenon is to find an individual who has celebrated two silver anniversaries. In fact, I have known only one such person—Pop, the uncle who raised me.
This is going to take some explaining: Pop’s first wife was my mother’s sister. Mom was a very shy person. She was working for the Veterans Administration in Honolulu after the war. There she met my father, a serviceman who was stationed there. They married, Mom got pregnant with me, they separated, and Mom went to Michigan to live with her oldest sister and her husband (Pop), who were childless. My father, who never saw me, perished in an accident a couple of years later, so Pop was the only father figure in my childhood.
My beloved aunt passed away while I was in high school, causing my mom to move into an apartment as Pop adjusted to single life. My aunt and Pop had been married 38 years. Two years later, Pop remarried. His bride was Katie, a never-married woman whom Pop had dated decades earlier, before he met my aunt. The newlyweds were 65. They had 25 very happy and satisfying years together before Katie passed at 90. So Pop was able to celebrate two silver wedding anniversaries with the two loves of his life. I admired his devotion to both of them.
Another uncle of mine had a different experience with marriage. I tracked down my father’s only brother when I was 19. Uncle Art had great success as a wooer of women, because he had five wives. Perhaps his success came from having been born on Valentine’s Day. Alas, four of those marriages ended in divorce.
There’s a sweet love story to tell about my mom. It took all our relatives by surprise. From the time Mom left Hawaii pregnant with me until 29 years later, she had never had a date. Mom was an extremely shy person and seemed resigned to a lonely life. She just went to work each day and saved money to send me away to private school from age 12 through college. (Thanks, Mom, for your sacrifices.)
After I graduated from college, Mom retired from the VA and did part-time work in her church’s office. I was concerned about her growing old alone and wondered what she would do for companionship. Then, out of the blue when I was 29, Mom called me and asked if I would mind if she remarried. I was absolutely delighted! It turns out that back in the depths of the Great Depression when Mom was in the early years of her work career, she had lived in a house with her best friend, her best friend’s husband, and her friend’s mother. When her best friend passed away in the late 1970s, a year later her widower, Allen (great guy!), proposed to my mother. Mom’s last 15 years were the happiest of her life. It’s never too late to have love come into one’s life.
Shifting gears from personal vignettes to the realm of counsel, let me share with you what I consider sage pieces of advice in regard to love and marriage.
1. “Know thyself,” as the ancient Greeks would say. Or, as Shakespeare put it, “This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day Thou canst not be false to any man.”—Polonius, Act 1, Scene III in “Hamlet.” It helps to figure out who you are and what your goals and expectations are before marriage. It gets more complicated afterward.
2. Make sure you and your partner are on the same page. As Mary Baker Eddy wrote, “Kindred tastes, motives, and aspirations are necessary to the formation of a happy and permanent companionship.” If, for example, you want children and your potential spouse does not, it might be better not to marry so that one of you doesn’t end up being disappointed and feel like you’ve missed out.
3. “Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished”—Johann Wolfgang von Goethe. That may seem rather harsh or cynical, but the fact is that you will love more people in your life than you will marry, and so the choice of marriage partner needs to be seen in a realistic light.
4. “Don’t sweat the small stuff”—Dr. Stubbs (father of a college friend of mine). How simple, yet profoundly wise. Most couples encounter occasional differences of opinion about something important. If you start complaining about picayune stuff, too, that will generate friction and undermine domestic harmony. As Paul McCartney would sing, “Let It Be.”
5. “There are two kinds of people in this world: givers and takers; givers make better marriage partners” —(a Mark Hendrickson original). An illustration: Decades ago, I went to visit Mom and Allen in Florida. Being single and hetero, when I went to the beach, I plopped down my blanket near two very attractive young ladies. It turns out they were comparing divorce settlements. All I could hear was “I got this” or “I got that.” I quickly lost interest in those self-absorbed ladies, despite their considerable physical charms. Then I went back to Mom and Allen’s mobile home. “Can I get you something to drink, Allen?” “How are you doing, Jean? Is there anything I can do for you?” Mom and Allen were givers, and they were very happy in their marriage.
Two more personal vignettes: I had my first crush when I was 4. Mom and I were visiting friends of Mom in another state. Their daughter, Sarah, was 8. I was infatuated. I next saw Sarah the summer after I finished eighth grade and she had graduated from high school. She still enchanted me. So, did romance ever develop between Sarah and me? Nope. Indeed, it would be an extraordinary coincidence for a guy to marry the very first girl he ever had a crush on. But Sarah did become part of my adult life. You see, her parents were Allen and Mom’s best friend, Helene. The third time I saw Sarah, she was my stepsister. Pretty cool! I loved having her and her wonderful husband, John, as my friends.
And my last Valentine’s Day personal story: Forty years ago, I proposed marriage on Valentine’s Day. The proposal was accepted, and here I am, four decades later, still being richly blessed by marriage to a very special woman, with whom I share a very special daughter.
I married relatively late, but it was worth the wait to get it right. I wish all of you similar success. Happy Valentine’s Day!
