Fear can be the thing that keeps us from living the life we want, especially in our fear-saturated world today. Fortunately, there are some great insights about fear that can help us get above its gravitational pull—like Frank did.
Just the idea of talking to a woman he was interested in scared Frank, a “roll-up-your-sleeves, fix-it sort of guy” whose wife had divorced him two years earlier. Frank, who was middle-aged, wanted to be in a loving relationship. In fact, he was hoping to get married again. But he didn’t know how to get over his fear. So he phoned a therapist he knew and trusted to help him work through the fear.
That therapist was Dr. Harriet Lerner, a clinical psychologist. She recounts Frank’s story in “The Dance of Fear: Rising Above Anxiety, Fear, and Shame to Be Your Best and Bravest Self,” a 2004 book that’s as relevant today as it was when it first came out. At the time, Lerner had recently participated in a fear workshop that was led by a therapist named Cloé Madanes. Inspired by Madanes’s workshop, Lerner had an outside-the-box idea for Frank, if he were willing to try it.
Seeking Rejection?
Seventy-five rejections in one day? Why would anyone want to subject themselves to that much misery and humiliation? But Frank was the kind of person who appreciated a challenge. He was highly motivated to move on with his life after the divorce. And he told Lerner he was game to try.The crazy idea worked. Frank’s goal was to get rejected, of course, not to get a date. But, much to his surprise, even though most of them said no, some of the women he approached said, sure, they would be glad to have a cup of coffee with him. So Frank’s first lesson was that it wasn’t as easy to get rejected as he had feared.
We All Feel Afraid
Especially now, two years into worldwide concerns about COVID-19, every human on the planet can relate to feeling fear.But even pre-pandemic, physicians and psychologists were seeing an increase in fear levels among their patients. A few years ago, Dr. Stefan Topolski, a medical doctor based in Shelburne Falls, Massachusetts, told me he was seeing several patients a day who said they were suffering from fear.
The Protective Nature of Fear
We know fear is bad for our health. At the same time, however, there’s no question that fear can protect us from bad outcomes and even save our lives. According to Lerner, fear is the mind’s way of protecting us from our own stupidity and keeping us safe. When my teenage son looked over the edge of a rock and into the water while on a camping trip with his friends, he felt too afraid to jump off. His fear, arguably, helped him make a life-saving decision. When his older sister didn’t feel the same fear and jumped into a different body of water without first making sure it was deep enough, she ended up with a huge gash in her leg that subsequently got infected. In that instance, her lack of fear could very well have killed her.In small bursts, Topolski also agreed that fear can be helpful. The problem is when we are bombarded with anxious feelings and stress 24/7 in a way that compromises our health, something we have seen throughout the pandemic.
Take Charge of Your Fear
Fear, like any other emotion, is information. When we pay attention to our feelings of fear—and become interested in what they are trying to teach us—we can reap powerful benefits.Frank’s bold approach to feeling fearful, according to Lerner, was that it enabled him to be “squarely in charge of his own symptom. Rather than being a passive victim of his greatest fear—rejection—he became actively engaged in making rejection happen,” she wrote.
Actions Matter
We humans learn by doing. Sometimes our thoughts are more worrisome than our actual experiences. When we take the leap of faith and act—approaching someone we are hoping to be friends with, saying “yes” to a public speaking engagement even though the idea of speaking in public is so terrifying it gives us hives, trying a new activity like journaling or painting or a sport we’ve never played before—life becomes richer and more interesting. And even if we “fail” (whatever that means), we reap the benefit of having felt the fear but tried anyway.Feelings Are OK
It’s OK to be nervous, shy, uncomfortable, or afraid. All feelings can teach us powerful lessons. While it may seem easier not to feel, we become better adjusted and more mature humans when we treat our feelings with curiosity, give ourselves some grace, and allow ourselves to feel. When we feel fear appropriately, we keep ourselves safe from physical harm.But sometimes we feel fear for no reason: We become afraid of things that are not actually threatening. But this inappropriate fear can also be a teacher. Pay attention to what is going on at a deeper level. Perhaps someone is trying to manipulate us; a company is trying to sell us a product we don’t want or need; or we are afraid of being vulnerable because we don’t want to risk getting hurt.
When we tune in at a deeper level, we become psychologically healthier. We can end an unhealthy relationship, say “no thank you” to people who are trying to keep us afraid, or take a risk of rejection in order to reap the reward of being accepted.
Invite Fear Into Your Life
Instead of shying away from it, be open to your fears. Invite them in and learn from them. Fear isn’t something to overcome or conquer, Lerner insisted. Instead, she advised her clients like Frank to pay attention to their fears and act in spite of them.Motivation Matters
When you’re highly motivated to overcome a challenge, even if you aren’t sure how, you will find a way. Don’t let fear keep you from acting. Instead, use the fear as a motivator to make positive change. Even if that change is simply to find the help you need to figure out what is driving your fear, that is the right first step.Practice Relaxation Techniques
If feeling fearful is causing you physical distress, use that information to improve your health. To learn relaxation techniques that you can implement throughout the day, take a meditation or a yoga class (or both). Increase your daily movement and activity levels. This can be as simple as getting up every 20 minutes from your desk if your job involves sitting and walking around your office, house, or apartment.Be Grateful
When the world’s worries are weighing you down, experts suggest you count your blessings. “Something else that can help you climb out of fear and back into the light of purpose is gratitude,” said Rick Kirschner, a naturopathic physician based in Sandpoint, Idaho, and co-author of the book “Dealing With People You Can’t Stand.”“Maybe counting your blessings is already something you do. It is for me, but sometimes I forget. Sometimes it’s not easy to notice those blessings,” Kirschner said. “In that case, you can be like the optimist. The pessimist says, ‘It can’t get worse!’ The optimist says, ‘Sure it can!’ Which means there’s something to be grateful for right now.”
“In a country with so much wealth and food and shelter, it’s odd that we suffer from so much more anxiety than our ancestors,” Topolski told me. While the collective anxiety the world has been feeling has proved crippling for some, Lerner challenges readers in her epilogue to act with compassion even in the face of fear.
We “needn’t let anxiety and shame silence our authentic voices, or stop us from acting with clarity, compassion, and courage. In today’s world, no challenge is more important than that,” she wrote.
