The period of pandemic lockdowns wrecked more than just small businesses. It shattered many social customs we had once taken for granted. It promoted a kind of nihilism over human relationships and institutionalized amnesia about basic points of etiquette. Now that we are all out and about and interacting in groups again and cultivating friendships we hope will last, we could all use a few pointers.
You have surely noticed that coming out of this grim period in our history that people in general—and you in particular—are less healthy, less polished, less cultivated, and less agile in social situations.
There was a moment back a few years ago when it seemed like all normal rules had been repealed. Terrible things were happening to us, even the cancellation of religious services. Under such conditions, one might be tempted to believe that all had been lost.
And yet here we are with life normalizing very quickly, and many of us have encountered situations in which basic manners have been forgotten. I certainly notice this while driving these days. People think nothing of tailgating. They won’t let you in a lane. They swerve around you at high speeds as if your response means nothing and they have no obligations to be kind and community-minded.
It’s appalling and I don’t think it has always been this way.
This negligence of the basic rules of the road extends to interpersonal relationships too. Here people have gotten sloppy and seemingly selfish, forgetting to recognize that their own behavior and words have consequences for others. Neither law nor legislation can substitute for the capacity of a people to manage their own lives in cooperation with others. That means that good taste, manners, and etiquette are essential for a free people.
Here are ten rules we should all remember as we hunker down for winter parties.
2. Never show up empty-handed. I shudder to think how many times I’ve trampled on this rule. But still, it stands. Always show up with something, however small. It could be a small box of candies, a bottle of bitters, a jar of honey, a basket of fruit, some small flowers, anything. The point is simply to make some gesture of appreciation for the invitation. It does not have to be elaborate, just something.
3. Always thank the hostess or host. Have you left a party without thanking the people who brought you? Surely you have. We all have, and then been mortified to realize it later. Never do this! You have one chance to do the right thing, just as you are leaving. Find the hostess. Look her in the eye and say thank you. If you cannot find her, say something to the host. One way or another, there is no sneaking out. That simply will not do, even if that is what you want.
4. Don’t start eating before everyone is served. If it is a sit down dinner, you must resist the temptation to take a bit of your roll, salt your food before eating, or otherwise slightly sample the salad or anything else, until everyone is seated and everyone is served. Men, you absolutely must stand up until the woman or women are seated, and make some gesture, however minor, to help her with the chair. It is a pure formality but still essential in our times. Do it with as little performative drama as possible.
5. Put your napkin in your lap. It seems like a dumb point to have to say but it is remarkable how many people do not know to do this. It is a fundamental rule, and you should not have to wait for the waiters to do it for you. When you sit down, simply lift your napkin and set it in your lap. Simple. But essential.
6. In conversation, always be interested in others. Try your best not to talk about yourself and your life. Ask about others and wait to speak about yourself only when asked. Even then, limit what you say and try to stay interested in the opinions of others. You have to keep this up all night until it becomes a habit. This reflects the fundamental rule in life that people will like you if you care about them more than yourself.
7. Try to avoid starting and perpetuating side conversations. Evenings always go better when there is a single conversation. This can work beautifully when there are between four and eight people. When there is more, side conversations are inevitable. But whenever possible, it is good to lean into group conversations and learn to address your remarks to the group rather than merely to the person next to you. This takes practice.
8. Always send thank you notes. There are no conditions in which thank you notes are wrong. They are always right. Thank you for the dinner. Thank you for the gift. Thank you for the party. Thank you for coming. Whatever it is, there should always be a followup after an event. You would be amazed at how appreciated such a simple gesture can be, and how rare they are these days.
9. If you are the host, create a center of the evening. So many events come and go with people milling around in conversation and eating this and that and then everyone leaves. Nothing memorable takes place. You can fix this with a simple clink of the glass with a spoon and a few words. A toast should be to an idea or a person who is not there, because one can never drink a toast to oneself. It doesn’t have to be a big speech, just some one unifying event in which people quiet down for a few moments to recognize each other and the unity of those gathered.
10. Dress properly. One should not have to say this but generally you should always dress in a way that is higher than one thinks. It’s a way of honoring the occasion. It’s not about you. It’s about what you are saying about others. Generally, ties for men are wonderful, not necessary but always appreciated. Generally avoid things like sweatpants and sneakers. The women’s issue is far more complex and less amenable to rule-making.
There are other rules of course. Plenty. Don’t chew with your mouth open. Learn how properly to use a knife and fork. Put coats on women. Please dial back your extreme demands on food: no this or that or the other thing. Just eat what is there if possible. And praise the chef!
Manners are real. You can dismiss them if you want but then people will secretly think ill of you. It’s up to all of us to improve the world around us, making it more genteel and more civilized. It’s how we make freedom and its responsibilities live more fully in our hearts and communities.
You are judged by your manners, whether you like it or not. You can make sure that the judgment is favorable.
