“Why cucumber sandwiches?” asks Jack. “Why such reckless extravagance in one so young? Who is coming to tea?” And Algernon explains the impending situation.
As events unfold, Algernon eats all the cucumber sandwiches before the guest arrives. All the while, he orders Jack: “Please don’t touch the cucumber sandwiches. They are ordered specially for Aunt Augusta.”
When she does arrive, she says: “And now I’ll have a cup of tea, and one of those nice cucumber sandwiches you promised me.”
Sadly, they are now gone. Algernon needs an excuse. He blames his valet, who gladly takes the heat. After all, it’s his job.
“Good heavens! Lane! Why are there no cucumber sandwiches? I ordered them specially.”
“There were no cucumbers in the market this morning, sir. I went down twice.”
“No cucumbers!”
“No, sir. Not even for ready money.”
It was of course a lie. But a harmless one, we might observe. And yet such a propensity to tell little fibs eventually leads to calamity, with truth prevailing in the end. Essentially, both men have variously fallen in love with two different women who both believe that both men are named Earnest. Neither truly are.
Both women have sworn only to be betrothed to a man named Earnest, because it inspires utmost trust. The men must figure out some way to be Christened under new names. Eventually, their plots fall apart. Be assured that all ends happily.
The play itself surely ranks among the funniest and enduring works of English literature. Somehow and incredibly, all the jokes still work in the 21st century. The plot is just convoluted enough to hold one’s interest but not so confounding as to be frustrating.
The entire play is near perfection in literary craftsmanship. It was Oscar’s fifth play, and by far his most successful. Tragically, it also marked the end of his career, as he willingly threw himself into a court battle over his sexual orientation and was jailed and then exiled, dying in poverty. The brilliance of his works live on.
But let’s return to the plot device in the opening scene: the cucumber sandwich. When was the last time you had one? I recently revisited the crunchy coldness of the cucumber and found myself astonished at how delicious it is. It’s great by itself, in salads, as a snack, shredded and served with a bit of sugar and vinegar, and so on.
The sandwich is made with sliced cucumber and cream cheese (with salt and pepper) on white bread. That’s the whole thing. It’s incredibly simple but indescribably delicious. So yes, the cucumber sandwich is associated with English culture but the vegetable has been enjoyed the world over, for thousands of years.
And of course it is the basis of the pickle itself, which has a much more storied and heightened presence in the culture today than the plain cucumber.
The raw form makes an appearance in the Bible, Numbers 11:5: “We remember the fish, which we did eat in Egypt freely; the cucumbers, and the melons, and the leeks, and the onions, and the garlic.”
Thus can you have the satisfaction of knowing that when you eat a cucumber, or a pickle, you are eating a truly Biblical vegetable!
The history traces also to the Emperor Tiberius who ordered cucumbers on his table daily, even during off seasons. His courtiers had to use artificial methods to achieve the goal, thus innovating the greenhouse. In any case, this is according to the historian Pliny the Younger.
Later, Charlemagne had cucumbers grown in his gardens in the 8th century. They eventually came to England in the 14th century, were lost again, and reintroduced 250 years later. The Spanish Empire brought them to the Americas in the 15th century. This is how they came to Haiti in 1494: via Christopher Columbus.
A good reason to revisit such products as this in our time is fairly obvious. Among all classes of foods, vegetables in general have gone up the least over the last 5 and 10 years. The cucumber in particular is nearly unchanged even in the midst of the great inflation.
And, yes, I tend to trust these government numbers more than any other because they are easy to track, highly specific, uniform in quality, and not subject to shrinkflation or hedonic adjustments. We can have confidence that it is correct: there has been very little inflation in cucumber prices.
Hey, we take our good news where we can find it!
Thus are cucumbers among the many wonderful products of nature that deserve a new look in our times. Yes, they are mostly water, with a melon-like flavor. But we need both water and flavor, all of us and every day. We do not get that from fast food.
For all those trying to figure out how to go from a typical American diet of, let’s face it, mostly trash food, to something more real, natural, healthy, and historically normal, the wonderful cucumber is a great place to begin. It’s the food of gods and kings, and, more importantly, common people for thousands of years.
Inflationary times are deeply dangerous for health. It was in the 1970s inflation that Americans got their pasta and bread fixation because meat and fish became too expensive. That’s how we ended up with “hamburger helper” along with every manner of fake butter, milk, eggs, and more. People were simply trying to save money, plus follow new and dangerous dietary “guidelines” which so happen to recommend the most plentiful and cheapest food sources.
So yes, before heading even further down this road, a rethinking is in order. There is nothing wrong with things that grow! Cucumbers and other squashes and melons are a great place to go.
There are other interesting features of cucumbers. The inside can be as much as 20 degrees cooler than the outside. They are useful for defogging mirrors in the bathroom and thus granting the room a nice fragrance. And have you seen the images of people in spas with cucumbers on their eyes? This is for a reason: they really do reduce swelling. I will leave it to the chemists to explain why.
It is indeed a “reckless extravagance” not just in 1890 but in all times. It just so happens to be available to you and me right now, at your local grocery or farmers’ market. It’s in season.
Hey, if you have the space, why not start now in raising your own? They grow easily and rather quickly, and it could be a wonderful beginning to the great dream of raising some of your own food.
