Tucker Carlson, in a blast of raucous energy, has been ripping through Australia, starting his tear in the humid tropics of Cairns and rolling down to the brisk streets of Melbourne.
In Sydney, he commandeered the ICC Darling Harbour stage, recently vacated by Jerry Seinfeld. The queues to catch Tucker Carlson outstripped those for Mr. Seinfeld, and his barbs were so sharp they nearly nicked the crown from the comedy king himself—both giants clashing in their own coliseums.
Through a storm of words, Mr. Carlson outlined certain observations.
1. The Australian Vernacular
Mr. Carlson appears to have fallen head over heels for the Australian lexicon, revelling particularly in the locals’ penchant for lobbing the most scandalous swear words as terms of deepest affection—a practice he and Mr. Seinfeld found equally amusing.2. Carlson Is a Dog Man
He’s a confessed spaniel aficionado, with a trio of these droopy-eyed companions ruling the roost back home. However, he maintains that the pinnacle of his life’s achievements was convincing his wife to marry him.3. A Single Tie?
And then there’s the mystery of the tie—is it just the same one on repeat or does he own several of the same one?4. The Quarter Pounder
Regarding Donald Trump, Mr. Tucker lauds him as a man of the masses, a connoisseur of fast food who not only distinguishes a quarter pounder from its lesser brethren but is also an aficionado of the secret sauce and a savant of the combo meal number four.
5. On Being Fired
He declared being fired as nothing short of liberating. Indeed, he champions it with evangelical zeal, suggesting it as a career move for everyone from doctors to police officers—especially those sacked over vaccine mandates.6. Sydney’s Public Spaces
Sydney, with its egalitarian sprawl of public spaces, earns Mr. Carlson’s nod of approval (especially Waverley Cemetery); these are the haunts of both the haves and the have-nots, he observes.7. Australian Neighbours
Mr. Carlson paints a dire picture of an imaginary populous nation, 1.4 billion strong, casting covetous glances at a resource-rich but sparsely populated neighbour.He shares a tale of economic subterfuge where this giant, resource-starved nation might tell the little Aussie battler,
“Oh, those vast gold/coal/uranium/whatever reserves are terribly bad for the climate. Best sell them to us, and at a bargain rate, too!”
Unbeknownst to Mr. Carlson, his parable might not be too far from the truth, as the hypothetical giant may well have already sunk its claws into a sizeable chunk of Australia.
As the Tucker tornado moves on, the ripples of his visit will undoubtedly linger in his wake, like the aftershocks of a particularly rowdy storm.
So long, Tucker, and thanks for all the fish—or in this case, perhaps, the Tim Tams and quarter pounders.
