3 Basics of Civility

Good manners show respect for others. Lucky Business/Shutterstock

“I don’t get no respect,” comedian Rodney Dangerfield used to say.

These days, a lot of Americans can identify with Dangerfield’s tagline. Search online for “is respect disappearing?” and a boatload of articles jump to the screen. In one of these pieces, Rev. Ron Rolheiser asks, “When did we lose that deeply-engrained, forever-sanctioned sense that however much we might disagree with each other or even dislike each other, we still need to accord each other basic courtesy, respect, and politeness?

“We’ve lost that, at least for the most part. From the highest levels of government to the crassest platforms on social media, we are witnessing the death of respect, courtesy, and basic honesty.”

Most of us would likely agree with this assessment. The insults delivered in public by so many of our politicians and commentators, the online acrimony that so often erupts on social media, the small discourtesies of everyday life—all are signs of a widespread, ugly abuse that has become the norm.

When we read Rev. Rolheiser’s question and his follow-up statement, we might note his repetitions of “courtesy” and “respect,” both of which serve as synonyms for another of his words, “politeness.” All these concepts are intimately connected. After all, what are courtesy and politeness if not signs of civility, of respect paid to another human being?

To practice basic civility doesn’t require reading some guide to etiquette. We need practice only a few basic precepts that, as Rev. Rolheiser tells us, were once deeply engrained and forever-sanctioned throughout human history. Here are just three of them.

Listen Attentively

Try to focus on what the other person is saying rather than devising a response or a rebuttal. Whether you’re speaking face-to-face with a friend or addressing some stranger’s online comments, think before reacting. Ask questions before making assumptions.

And avoid dominating a conversation. Recently, a young man and woman who looked to be in their mid-20s were sitting near me in a coffee shop. While I typed away, they talked. Or rather, the young man talked. Whether his companion was a date or a friend, I don’t know, but he went on incessantly about himself while she got in the occasional “Oh, right” or “That happened to me once.”

If nothing else, respect for her should have demanded that he take a breather and give her the floor.

Respond to Incivility With Civility

On a card sent to a society for young people at a Presbyterian church, Mark Twain wrote: “Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.”

This axiom holds true when we take a civil approach to the rude and boorish behavior of others. When some social media bully swats something we’ve written with a sledgehammer, we really will amaze others if we reply with some comment like “I see you are upset” or “Perhaps I didn’t make myself clear.” Our attacker shrinks, and we appear magnanimous, for a simple reason: We answered venom with grace.

Treat Others as We Wish to Be Treated

I have yet to encounter anyone who relished being on the receiving end of curses, ad hominem attacks, or even simple ill-mannered remarks. Everyone wants to be treated with basic civility.

Whether we’re dealing with a supervisor or an employee, a spouse, a friend, or a stranger, the respect we pay them at minimum recognizes their humanity. The military has long followed this rule: “We salute the rank, not the man.” When we give respect to those around us, usually delivered by way of politeness, we do the same.

“No cause, societal or sacred,” Rev. Rolheiser wrote, “grants one an exemption from the rules of elementary human courtesy.”

Some may disagree, objecting that certain people are unworthy of those rules. Perhaps. But in a thumbs up for courtesy, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas has said that “good manners will open doors that the best education cannot.”

And those good manners mean nothing more than showing respect for others. Do that, and we in turn show respect for ourselves.

Views expressed in this article are opinions of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of The Epoch Times.