Participants are generally more engaged, and relieved to know that it’s OK to struggle with the idea that gratitude can be applicable to all situations. Many come up to me afterward and ask me, “OK, I get gratitude, but how can I be grateful when I feel so resentful?”
In researching the interplay between gratitude and resentment, my focus is on the smaller “everyday resentments,” rather than those that arise from personal or collective trauma, gross inequities, or historical injustices, for example. No doubt you have experienced everyday resentment in your life: a brother or sister who appeared to be favored by your parents; a neighbor who won’t deal with their barking dog that keeps you awake for hours; a colleague who undermines you behind your back; a partner who doesn’t do their share of the housework or of looking after the children—and the list goes on.
Resentment is known as the “emotion of justice,” as is usually accompanied by the sense that we need to hold on to our resentment in order to take a moral stance on unacceptable behavior. To give up our resentment can often feel like we are letting the other person off the hook or condoning their behavior.
How Resentment Detracts from Well-Being
The meaning of the word resentment comes from the Old French word resentir, which means “the re-experiencing of a strong feeling.” Two distinguishing features of resentment are that it causes us to ruminate—that is, to go over and over the situation in our minds—and that it lingers over time. We are often initially so shocked by what has happened to us that the disappointment, frustration, or anger we feel becomes lodged and it’s difficult to move on.Although research on the health implications of resentment is still in its infancy, and not nearly as prolific as that on gratitude, some evidence suggests that resentment has the opposite effect on our well-being than gratitude.
Of course, this doesn’t mean that resentment is the only cause of these ailments, but the evidence is significant enough to suggest it could be playing a part. Indeed, it’s common to find the impact of resentment discussed in our everyday language, such as complaining that someone is a “pain in the neck” and makes our head hurt, or that we feel hurt by another “in the pit of our stomach,” or that someone has “hardened our heart” or left us feeling “broken-hearted.”
Moving Away from Resentment
Gratitude has an amazing power to illuminate where it’s missing and, in particular, where its opposite—resentment—is residing. We can start to notice this in situations where we want to express gratitude but find it hard to do so authentically because we are actually feeling pain or reticence of some kind. I often describe this state as “murky” because we know something isn’t quite right, but it’s also hard to give it a name or to acknowledge it fully to ourselves, let alone the other person.![<span style="font-weight: 400;">“</span>Untangling You: How Can I Be Grateful When I Feel So Resentful?<span style="font-weight: 400;">”</span> (Major Street Publishing, 2021, 208 pages).](/_next/image?url=https%3A%2F%2Fimg.theepochtimes.com%2Fassets%2Fuploads%2Fexternal%2F2021%2F10%2FUntangling_You-cover_final_200_301_int_c1-1x.jpg&w=1200&q=75)
However, we might be too afraid to admit that we are resentful because we want to keep our image of being a nice and positive person, or we don’t want to upset the status quo. Unlike other more “upfront” emotions such as disappointment, anger, or frustration, resentment tends to carry a sense of shame. It exposes us, making us seem a bit weak or not the sort of person we would like to think we are, or would like others to see us as.
In order for resentment to come out of hiding, we need to acknowledge it. We need to find ways of giving our resentment a voice, a shape, a place at the table for discussion, without shame or guilt, without self-judgment or the judgment of others. Only then can we see how much our resentment is robbing us of our gratitude and destroying our relationships and sense of well-being.
Just by giving the hurtful, murky, stuck feelings a name—resentment—and recognizing its damaging effects on our well-being and those around us, we can be more empowered and motivated to do something about it. Although it may take some time, we can gain a greater sense of objectivity and a greater sense of agency in the situation because we see that we can choose our response in moving forward. This opens the door for us to remember what we were grateful for about this person in the past.
Moving Toward Gratitude
Another important point to consider is that any step away from gratitude is a step toward resentment. In other words, when we let our gratitude slip, we are more likely to allow resentment to creep in. As gratitude researcher Philip Watkins argues in his “amplification theory of gratitude,” our feeling of gratitude plays a crucial role in helping us to remember the good in the other, so that our memories of the bad don’t take over.Leading on from this, if we create families and workplaces where people feel valued and appreciated, we are reducing or even warding off the toxic impact of resentment that can lead to conflict or low morale.
I wrote my new book to answer a question asked by my research and workshop participants, and with the hope that it can help people around the world take courageous action. Addressing resentment can allow our gratitude to play the important role it has in giving us more personal and collective peace and harmony.