How to Grandparent Like a Pro

Here are a few ways to support your adult children as they have children of their own

When your children have children, it can be difficult not to overstep your bounds. That said, your help is desperately needed. Monkey Business Images/Shutterstock

Is there anything more special than holding your newborn in your arms for the first time? Looking at the softest, most sweet-smelling person you’ve ever seen? The wrinkly skin, soft fingernails, and unfocused eyes that gaze back at you more keenly than anyone you’ve ever met in your life.

Perhaps the only thing that trumps holding your own new baby is holding your first grandchild.

Last year, at age 53, my colleague Valerie Coulman became a grandma for the first time. Holding her grandson was so special.

“Such a tiny precious face, and I had the chance to inspect the fingers and toes for myself,” Coulman, a writer and editor based in southern Oregon, told me. “It was extra special for me because the hospital where he was born only allowed two visitors or labor support, and I was the only grandparent able to go in for the two days of their hospital time. That was such a privilege.”

According to cultural anthropologist Meredith Small, professor emerita at Cornell University and author of “Our Babies, Ourselves: How Culture and Biology Shape the Way We Parent,” most adults in America never hold a newborn baby, let alone care for one, before they become parents themselves.

Grandparents, on the other hand, have years of experience. So how do you turn that experience into a better childhood for your grandchild?

Be Careful With Unsolicited Advice

While it’s tempting to want to use that experience to tell your adult child how to parent (after all, you know the best diapers to use and the toxins it’s important for newborns to avoid), it’s often better to let the new parents in your life come to you with their questions and concerns instead of bombarding them with unsolicited advice.

“It’s not my place to parent their baby, but I can step in when they’re tired, offer advice or ask questions when they’re not sure ... and bite my tongue when I would have done things differently,” said Coulman.

Too many people are too eager to criticize new parents, she said. “Being a cheerleader for the things they’re doing right seems better.”

Remember back when your child was a baby learning how to walk. You couldn’t walk for them, but you could be there to kiss those pudgy knees when they fell down, offer your finger for their little hand to grasp so they could toddle along beside you with some support, and cheer them on with applause, smiles, and hugs when they finally took their first steps.

Beyond that, and perhaps most essentially, you inspired them to walk and showed them how with your own movements.

Now your son or daughter is taking their first steps becoming a mom or dad, stepping into a new role with new responsibilities and demands. And your job isn’t to tell them what to do but to be there for them as they walk their parenting path.

If offering unasked for advice is not helpful, what is? What are the best ways to help new parents?

Do What Needs to Be Done

When my friend Katelyn had her son via an unplanned C-section, the birth was pretty traumatic for her. Afterward, she was so worried about dropping the baby that she had her husband hold Aidan for the first few weeks.

Katelyn admitted to me that she was a wreck. She needed both emotional and physical support as she recovered from the birth and learned to be a mom for the first time.

“My mom cleaned the entire house while I was in the hospital,” she remembered, her voice full of gratitude. “The best is when friends and family just notice what needs to be done, and do it. If they see that the fridge is empty, they can bring over a bag of groceries. If the bathroom’s dirty, no new mom is going to ask a friend to clean it, but almost every new mom would be relieved if someone did.”

There’s an endless list of things that need doing, but some of the more helpful tasks include:

• Tidying up: It’s hard to take care of a new baby 24/7 and also keep a tidy house. Help tidying up is always appreciated.
• Restocking bathroom supplies: A new family will need things like toilet paper, Epsom salts, and washcloths or baby wipes, more often than they realize. Ask them to send you a list of supplies to buy, or just bring over some toilet paper (everyone needs toilet paper).
• Shopping for food: New parents, especially nursing mamas, should have plenty of easy-to-eat organic fresh vegetables and fruits on hand, as well as lots of healthy drinks to keep them hydrated (filtered water, coconut water, and cold-pressed vegetables juices are all good choices).
• Laundry: Newborns are miniature spit-up factories, to say nothing of the substances that come out the other end. Toddlers are arguably worse. Running a load of laundry for the new family (without asking how the machine works) can be invaluable.
• Yard work or errands: It’s amazing how little time new parents have when all their energy is focused on a newborn. Taking care of anything that they don’t have time to do—weeding the garden, mailing packages—is a great way to provide support.

Help With the Older Kids

Maybe you’re on your first grandchild like Coulman. Or maybe lucky number 7 has just come along. New parents need a lot of help with their first babies, but families with older kids need help too.

“I thought I knew it all, but I didn’t have the same child the second time around,” my friend Frank said not long after his second child was born. Frank is a stay-at-home dad whose sons are just 17 months apart. “The second was a totally different baby.”

Frank was especially grateful for his mother-in-law’s help with the baby so that he and his wife could be there for their toddler. “We wanted him to feel like he was still an important part of the family,” Frank said. “My mother-in-law tended to the baby and we were able to keep doing our activities with P.J.”

Organize a Meal Train

Just going to the bathroom, never mind showering or preparing dinner, can feel daunting to a new family. Sleep-deprived and disheveled, new parents need to eat. If you’re local, the best thing you can do is organize a meal train for them so they won’t have to think about cooking for the first month or so. Ask friends and other family members to sign up. Specify dietary restrictions and timing. But if that isn’t feasible, you can also just bring over an organic home-cooked meal (or two or three).

If you’re not local and won’t be able to visit, consider giving the new family a gift certificate to an organic food market, restaurant, or Door Dash. Or look for a local organic caterer whom you can pay to bring them some healthy meals.

The best choices are meals that can be frozen and reheated, like nourishing soups or enchiladas. A well-stocked fridge and freezer will help the new parents spend more time getting to know their baby and less time worrying about what and how to feed themselves.

Arrange a Photo Shoot

It’s so nice to have pregnancy and newborn photos and to have some professional shots of the whole family as the baby grows. Another way you can support your adult child’s new family is by setting up a photo shoot—that includes a few with you as well!

In addition, a photo album, picture frame, or an extra computer drive (photos take up so much space) all make excellent presents for a new family as well.

A personalized picture frame with baby’s date of birth, height, and weight is also a thoughtful gift.

Make Something Meaningful

Consider making something yourself for the baby: a handmade outfit, hand-knit sweater, or a baby blanket. Or perhaps a painting if you like to do art, or a step stool or child-sized bookcase if you do carpentry. When you make something yourself, you give your grandbaby a part of yourself and your traditions.

My children’s great aunt made each of our four children a baby quilt. Not only do my children still cherish these blankets, one of my daughters took fabric arts in high school and has been continuing the tradition. Now she makes a quilt for each new baby in our family, a practice that warms the baby—and our hearts as well.

Jennifer Margulis, Ph.D., a frequent contributor to The Epoch Times, is an award-winning health and science writer. She is also the author of “Your Baby, Your Way: Taking Charge of Your Pregnancy, Childbirth, and Parenting Decisions for a Happier, Healthier Family.” Learn more and sign up for her weekly emails at her website: www.JenniferMargulis.net