We Tend to Grow Out of Narcissism but Today’s Children May Have a Harder Time

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A beautiful thing about people is that we tend to improve in the most fundamental ways as we age—and grow happier in the process. That may be in part because some of our least desirable traits tend to decline with age.

We may not be all that aware of some of those traits. It can often be hard to see ourselves in a clear light, or we may be too brittle to truly reflect on our flaws.

This feeling of insecurity is one of the primary causes of narcissism, researchers discovered in 2021. While narcissists are better known for their grandiose sense of self and inflated self-importance, these qualities are attempts to compensate for a deeper sense of self-doubt and shame.
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Narcissism exists on a spectrum, from extreme cases that meet the threshold of a diagnosis, to the everyday arrogance-hiding-insecurity nearly everyone will experience.

In some ways, it is hard to escape this dynamic. We live in a world that values appearances and superficial successes over intrinsic qualities like kindness and honesty. We are also encouraged toward the kind of self-centeredness that defines narcissism.

Social media encourages us to broadcast experiences in a self-promotional way that would be obnoxious in face-to-face conversations. Coincidentally, this kind of behavior is one reason narcissists have poor relationships.

The self-esteem movement has taught us to tell children how worthy they are, regardless of their character or conduct. But true self-esteem comes from feeling warmth and affection from parents, reported narcissism researcher Eddie Brummelman. Attempts to create self-esteem through praise can have consequences.
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“When children were overvalued by their parents, they developed higher levels of narcissism. Being overvalued, although seemingly benign, may convey to children that they are superior individuals who are entitled to privileges,” wrote Mr. Brummelman.

He cautions that praising children too much in an attempt to raise their self-esteem appears to trigger the tortures of narcissism.

“Our research suggests a more effective approach: simply showing warmth and affection to your kids.”

While the self-esteem movement rose, so did the cult of youth. We have lost a general regard for our elders, despite the fact that they have truly contributed to society and achieved the most important feats of human life, like raising children, volunteering in their communities, and overcoming the inevitable tragedies of life.

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Our elders also tend to gain one of the most beautiful attributes a human being can acquire—equanimity.

As we age, we tend to develop a better ability to weather life’s ups and downs. This might be because we have a grander perspective on life and what really matters, but it also reflects a fundamental maturation of the human mind. We become better able to stay calm and roll with life’s punches. We also tend to develop more humility and graciousness. As a result, older people tend to be happier.

This natural improvement in human character is also seen in our less desirable tendencies, including our arrogance and hypersensitivity to criticism, two elements of narcissism. New research based on an analysis of more than 37,000 participants aged 8 to 77 found that narcissistic traits decline with age.

“​​However, the research also uncovered a dichotomy: The relative level of narcissism compared to peers remains stable, meaning those who are more narcissistic in childhood often maintain that status into adulthood,” reports Epoch Times health writer Makai Allbert.
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In other words, if we are more narcissistic in youth, we will retain more of those qualities as we age. But we will still be improved with age, and therefore more empathetic, sure of ourselves, and calm.

And yet age is denigrated in popular culture. There is an implicit message that youthfulness carries a higher value, and younger people are therefore more worthy, regardless of character or accomplishment.

I worry that we are teaching children that they will become less valued as they age despite an increase in responsibilities, obligations, and qualities like kindness and patience.

On the other hand, if we take the time to remind our children of the value of self-compassion and humility, if we shower them with affection instead of praise, we lead them away from narcissism and set them up to truly esteem themselves—and recognize what to esteem in others.

Views expressed in this article are the opinions of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of The Epoch Times. Epoch Health welcomes professional discussion and friendly debate. To submit an opinion piece, please follow these guidelines and submit through our form here.
Matthew Little
Matthew Little
Author
Matthew Little is a senior editor with Epoch Health.
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