We may not be all that aware of some of those traits. It can often be hard to see ourselves in a clear light, or we may be too brittle to truly reflect on our flaws.
Narcissism exists on a spectrum, from extreme cases that meet the threshold of a diagnosis, to the everyday arrogance-hiding-insecurity nearly everyone will experience.
In some ways, it is hard to escape this dynamic. We live in a world that values appearances and superficial successes over intrinsic qualities like kindness and honesty. We are also encouraged toward the kind of self-centeredness that defines narcissism.
Social media encourages us to broadcast experiences in a self-promotional way that would be obnoxious in face-to-face conversations. Coincidentally, this kind of behavior is one reason narcissists have poor relationships.
“When children were overvalued by their parents, they developed higher levels of narcissism. Being overvalued, although seemingly benign, may convey to children that they are superior individuals who are entitled to privileges,” wrote Mr. Brummelman.
He cautions that praising children too much in an attempt to raise their self-esteem appears to trigger the tortures of narcissism.
“Our research suggests a more effective approach: simply showing warmth and affection to your kids.”
While the self-esteem movement rose, so did the cult of youth. We have lost a general regard for our elders, despite the fact that they have truly contributed to society and achieved the most important feats of human life, like raising children, volunteering in their communities, and overcoming the inevitable tragedies of life.
Our elders also tend to gain one of the most beautiful attributes a human being can acquire—equanimity.
This natural improvement in human character is also seen in our less desirable tendencies, including our arrogance and hypersensitivity to criticism, two elements of narcissism. New research based on an analysis of more than 37,000 participants aged 8 to 77 found that narcissistic traits decline with age.
In other words, if we are more narcissistic in youth, we will retain more of those qualities as we age. But we will still be improved with age, and therefore more empathetic, sure of ourselves, and calm.
And yet age is denigrated in popular culture. There is an implicit message that youthfulness carries a higher value, and younger people are therefore more worthy, regardless of character or accomplishment.
I worry that we are teaching children that they will become less valued as they age despite an increase in responsibilities, obligations, and qualities like kindness and patience.
On the other hand, if we take the time to remind our children of the value of self-compassion and humility, if we shower them with affection instead of praise, we lead them away from narcissism and set them up to truly esteem themselves—and recognize what to esteem in others.