The ‘Superpower’ You Can Teach Your Children, According to an Etiquette Expert

Author Jennifer L. Scott says table manners and communication top the list of parental concerns, when it comes to etiquette.

A dress rehearsal helps children become familiar with formal table settings. Biba Kayewich

Jennifer L. Scott was at a gathering of her homeschool co-op when the young son of a friend approached.

“He said, ‘Hello, Mrs. Scott, how are you tonight?’ He carried on a quick one-minute conversation with me, but it was so remarkable. He came up with a clear voice, with eye contact, and addressed me as Mrs. Scott, and it was so pleasant,” said Scott, author of the popular “Madame Chic“ guides to elegance and style.

Scott’s most recent book is “Connoisseur Kids: Etiquette, Manners, and Living Well for Parents and Their Little Ones.” According to Scott, two topics top the list of parental concerns when it comes to etiquette: table manners and communication. The boy who impressed her was clearly on track when it came to gracious conversation.

But it’s one thing to possess good manners and another to learn them in childhood. When her oldest child, now a teenager, was a decade younger, Scott found that “it was pretty tricky to teach good manners,” and she had no guide to turn to. The results are “Connoisseur Kids” and Scott’s ever-expanding stock of etiquette advice for parents.

Jennifer L. Scott, the author of the Madame Chic series and "Connoisseur Kids." She also has a blog and YouTube channel, The Daily Connoisseur. Rick Feldman

The Meaning of Manners

When teaching good manners to children, Scott reminds parents to always bear in mind the reason behind polite behavior. “The essence of good manners is thoughtfulness and thinking about others as well as yourself, and being a good citizen, basically a citizen of your own family, a citizen of your own community,” she said, “and that really just stems from thoughtfulness.”

Scott’s 6-year-old son, the youngest of her four children, is a shining example of this consideration.

“He always holds the door open for me. It’s very natural for him,” she said.

“Maybe he saw one of his older siblings do it. But when we all pile out of the car, and I’m carrying five bags, he holds the door and waits for me, no matter how long it takes me to get out of the car.

“It’s so pleasant, and I’m always so grateful. And I tell him this, too, and he likes the praise as well. That’s a natural example of thoughtfulness.”

Jennifer L. Scott's youngest child, age 6, always holds the door open for her. Biba Kayewich

Make It Fun

Knowing that etiquette doesn’t come naturally to children and that it must be taught, Scott offers lots of ideas in “Connoisseur Kids” for making lessons in good behavior interesting and fun.

“Table manners are huge because parents feel the frustration of how dinner can get with little kids—it can become a zoo if it’s not under control,” she said. “And you know, everybody just wants a peaceful dinner time.”

Mealtime etiquette revolves around common advice like waiting until everyone is served before beginning to eat, asking someone to pass a dish rather than reaching across the table for it, and thanking the cook for the meal.

But Scott also adds one great and often forgotten tip for an education in dining: a list of conversation starters. She offers more than 25 kickoff questions, including:

• What was the best part of your day?
• What two things would you take with you to a desert island?
• What makes you feel loved?
• If you could have one superpower, what would it be?
• What are the most important things your parents have taught you?

Scott recommends that kids write these questions down on separate pieces of paper, put them in a jar, and pull out one or two at mealtime for everyone to answer and discuss.

Learning good table manners can be a fun activity. Ariel Skelley/Getty Images

Practice, Practice, Practice

Scott is also a keen advocate of dry-runs before certain events. One of her favorite tips is a dress rehearsal.

“I actually get this question a lot from parents. They say Thanksgiving is coming up, and we’re going to our family for dinner, and we don’t want our kids all over the place. Or they’re about to go to their first fancy restaurant,“ she said. ”It’s important to remember that children don’t know what to expect when they go to these places, so we can’t expect them to have good behavior if they don’t know what to do.”

Good table manners aren’t just for fancy places, though. One time, Scott was at an In-N-Out Burger, next to a table where parents were admonishing their child for bad table manners. “It frustrated me so much, because the child is trying to eat, and they’re criticizing what he was doing,” she said. The result was bound to be counter-productive: The child likely developed negative feelings toward learning good manners.

“I am all about empowering them and showing them what to expect,” Scott said.

Hence the dress rehearsal. “I’ve done this a few times with my children, where I’ll set a table formally, and then I say, okay, so what’s the first thing you do? And they put the napkin in their lap. And then we pretend to eat, and I show them how to hold the fork.

“Then I say, you need to use the bathroom. So, what do you do? They say ‘Excuse me,’ put their napkin on the table, and go and come back.

“We go through all of the possible scenarios, and it’s fun. They love this because it’s role-playing, and we’re exploring it. They come out feeling very confident.”

Learning Courteous Communication

Scott recalled a conversation with a friend, whose teenage son had a phone call with a prospective employer.

“He didn’t know how to talk on the phone, because he’d never talked to anyone other than his friends, where obviously the rules are a lot more relaxed,” she said.

“He didn’t know the basic protocol of saying hello or even goodbye, and he just hung up. He’d never practiced. There are things they need to know, like how to take a professional phone call or how to speak to an adult instead of their friends.”

The younger crew can also benefit from reinforcement in good face-to-face communication. Scott makes these points in her book:

• Stand up straight.
• Make eye contact.
• Speak clearly.
• Say please and thank you.
• Interrupt conversations politely.
• Shake hands properly and firmly.

Each of these mini-lessons in courteous communication includes fun games and activities intended for parents and children together. In her instructions for the Mumble Exercise, which is designed to aid clarity in speech, Scott wrote: “Mumble something to your parent and see if they can guess what you are saying. Now have them mumble something to you. This game will probably make you laugh, but think about how hard it would be if every time you talked to someone you couldn’t understand what that person was saying. As good communicators, we should aim to speak clearly and let our voice ring out like a bell.”

Model Good Behavior

“The best thing parents can do is model good behavior ourselves,” Scott said. “If you don’t want your children walking around the house and eating chips, then you shouldn’t be doing that.”

Setting an example for kids affects adults, too. “The funny thing is that when you read my book, when you start to do it with your kids, you are very aware of your own behavior,” she said. “Once you start teaching manners to your children, you can’t help but examine your own manners.”

Model the behavior you want to see in your children. fcafotodigital/Getty Images

Be Grateful

For Scott, gratitude and what she calls a happy heart are entwined with good manners. That means, for example, thanking others either by word or by a written note for their kindness, service, and gifts.

“Being grateful for what you have makes you treat your things better, the people in your life better,” Scott said. “If you’re not grateful, you’re not really that conscious about your behavior.”

In “Connoisseur Kids,” Scott offers this striking bit of advice for her young readers: “Do everything with a happy heart! When you mess up, just pick yourself up and start again. Tomorrow always holds new opportunities.”

Scott said, “When I talk about a happy heart, it’s doing all this with a sense of fun and joy and happiness.”

A Superpower for a Lifetime

While teaching children good manners can be challenging, Scott believes that “it’s a challenge well worth taking on,” because manners that become habits bring countless, lifelong benefits. For this reason, she believes that “the pendulum will shift,” and the practice of etiquette and manners will make a return to our culture.

As she often tells her own children and others: “When you practice good manners on a regular basis, it becomes like a superpower, and people will treat you differently. Doors will open for you. Opportunities will arise. You’ll stand out from the crowd in a good way.

“Manners are not irrelevant. They’re a superpower, and when you use them, you go really far in life.”