Dear Kathy,
I’m having a problem with my in-laws and I don’t know what to do about it. My insides are in knots about the whole thing. This is how it all started - my niece dropped out of school last year and she’s dating a guy that her parents can’t stand. Neither my niece or her boyfriend work or go to to school and they sleep all day and are up all night. He’s at the house practically all the time playing video games and chowing down their food. My in-laws want to throw him out but they’re afraid that my niece will move out too and cut them off. The friction over there has gotten really intense. The situation is tearing my husband up inside because he feels his brother’s pain like its his own. That’s one of the things that attracted me to my husband when we first met. He'll give anyone the shirt off his back without even thinking about it, especially his brother. I used to love that about him. Now it’s the biggest problem in our marriage.
My husband has loaned his brother a lot of money over the years and never said anything when it wasn’t paid back, even though they can afford it. When my niece was younger, my husband volunteered me to babysit her during school vacations and over the summer so my in-laws wouldn’t have to pay for daycare while they were at work. I was really angry about that because we have three kids of our own and even if I wanted to take care of another one, we could have used the extra money. None of them even asked me if it was okay with me, I just got dumped on - again. Now, he feels so bad about what his brother and my sister-in-law are going through that he offered to let my niece stay with us for awhile. He did this without talking to me and I’m totally against the idea. I feel bad for them but I don’t want to disrupt our family life to take on my in-laws’ problems. My husband says that they’re family and I’m being selfish. Every time we talk about it, we get into a nasty fight and nothing gets resolved. It’s the same argument every time - they need help, they’re family, and I’m selfish. We’re barely talking and she’s not even here yet!
A couple of days ago my niece and her boyfriend dropped off a few boxes of her stuff while I was at work. She told my son that she’s moving into our basement apartment. It’s not an apartment to begin with - it’s our family room and I definitely don’t want to feel like we’re in HER apartment when we watch t.v. down there. I tried talking to my husband about it and he just blew up at me. He said I’m being ridiculous and he acts like we’re all going to be this big happy family together. I called my sister-in-law and told her that I’m sorry about the problems she’s having with her daughter, but she can’t move in with us. My sister-in-law told me that I had a lot of nerve to change my mind because they’ve already made their plans based on our offer to have my niece move in with us. My husband is completely ignoring how I feel and he told his brother that she’s still welcome here. Then, he told me that she’s moving in this weekend whether I like it or not so I better get used to the idea. I’m sick to my stomach and I don’t know what to do. I feel like my in-laws are thrilled out of their minds to dump their problem kid on us so they can live in peace while she drives me and my family nuts instead. I can’t take it anymore. Please tell me what to do.
Fuming in Bellerose
Dear Friend,
Your situation reminds me of an old joke, “What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.” I am sure that you can relate. Forgive me for stating the obvious, however, there are only two things you can do: let her move in or don’t let her move in. Either way, there are certain issues which you will have to face. As your niece neither works nor attends classes she will be hanging around your home most of the time, if not all the time. Her boyfriend, who has an equally flexible schedule, will most likely be a frequent houseguest, if not fellow boarder. Additionally, you may be helping to support her/them financially, even if it is only in free rent, utilities, and food costs. How do you imagine these circumstances will affect your family as a whole and your relationship with your husband in particular?
Your two options appear to be: allowing your niece to move into your home and stuffing your anger or barring her from moving in and courting your husband’s rage. No wonder you feel sick to your stomach. Although I cannot tell you what to do, I can offer you some insight into your situation. In your letter, you related that you had a problem with your in-laws. You do not have a problem with your in-laws. Rather, what you have is a problem with your husband. His loyalty to his brother is directly in conflict with his loyalty to you. I suggest that you seek out marriage counseling in order to address the underlying issues, which pre-date the current concern regarding your niece. If your husband is amenable, suggest that the two of you temporarily postpone making a decision either way about whether or not your niece will move in until you can work out your marital issues in counseling. If your husband is unreceptive to the idea of going to therapy together, I nonetheless suggest that you make an appointment to see someone yourself. The fact that you are sick to your stomach is a big red flag. Get the emotional support you need as soon as you can and keep in mind - we teach others how to treat us!
Please update me regarding the “outlaws.” My warmest thoughts are with you. Readers, please feel free to offer your own opinions or suggestions on this situation. Your comments are always welcome. I can be reached at [email protected]. I look forward to hearing from you!
Kathy
