Dear Kathy,
My husband is making me miserable. We get along fine as long as I don’t try to have a serious conversation with him. As soon as I talk to him about my feelings or emotional needs he makes a joke or just flat out ignores me.
He won’t listen to anything I say and I can’t take it anymore. I have told him a million different times how bad he makes me feel, read a truckload of self-help books, and we’ve tried couples counseling twice. We even went on a marriage retreat through our church.
Nothing I’ve tried has made any difference. He acts like he’s doing me a favor by going to counseling because he sees me as the one with the problem. So, what’s the point of even going? I just quit. Nothing was changing between us, anyway.
We both grew up in alcoholic families and I understand why he is cut off from his emotions. But I need him to be present in my life.
He doesn’t care and he doesn’t want to change. He thinks he’s fine just the way he is.
His idea of a good marriage is both of us being superficial and pretending everything is fine no matter how we really feel. I can’t do it anymore. It’s killing me inside. Trying to explain how bad he makes me feel is like talking to a brick wall.
I feel more alone with him than I'd ever feel without him because at least if I were single, I wouldn’t expect anything. The way things are now makes me feel needy and rejected.
He’s always been like this but I had hoped he'd change. At this point, it feels hopeless...
My two choices are to either get a divorce or hire a hit man. What do you advise?
Sick and Tired Wife
Dear Friend,
I am sorry that you feel so discouraged. Your many efforts to resolve this issue with your husband indicate that fighting for your marriage is very important to you. Regrettably, the only one you have the power to change is you.
The power that your husband’s lack of emotional responsiveness has over your life is unhealthy. Though you can’t make him respond to you, there are ways in which you can address the hold his unresponsiveness has over your life.
I suggest that you attend ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) meetings to develop a support network as you work through this issue. You may benefit greatly from reading some of the books which ACOA recommends. Your marital struggles are common to those who have grown up in families with addiction issues.
If your husband felt emotionally flooded as a child growing up in an alcoholic home, he may be exhibiting common coping strategies exhibited by trauma survivors. I recommend that you make one more attempt at couples counseling, this time with a certified EFT couples therapist.
EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) is based on attachment theory and it is often effective in working with couples locked into a pursuer-distancer dynamic. Google “EFT” and “Sue Johnson,” its author, and watch some videos of her working with couples. That will be the best way for you to see if EFT is a good fit for you and your husband.
I'd give marriage counseling another try - divorce is prohibitively expensive and with the advances in forensics, no one gets away with murder anymore. Please update me on your situation. I wish you the very best outcome!
Blessings,
Kathy
Readers, if you’ve faced a similar situation and experienced a breakthrough with a happy ending, please comment on this blog post. A word of encouragement would go a long way to brighten up this wife’s day! As always, I welcome your letters at [email protected].
